Home Truths
by JustTwisted
Summary: **COMPLETED!!**Epic-like CLEX,with our boys struggling to define their sexuality and feelings for each other: but then can they overcome the problems of society, friends, family and the secrets they keep from each other?
1. Prologue

O/A Summary : A look at how Clark becomes aware of his sexuality, progressing towards a final acceptance of his feelings for Lex- and when he finally gets there, will he have the courage to act on them? 

Rating: Most will probably by PG-13, either for issues dealt with, language, and obviously mild sexual themes will come into it later.

Disclaimer: Smallville and its characters aren't mine. Not making any money. Just dealing with my own crazy issues yada yada yada.

Author's note : This will probably be a drawn-out project – I just thought I'd start posting parts up asap to get an idea of responses etc.

Home Truths – Prologue.

It was an evening that spoke of the beginning of summer. It was partly because the skies were clear, and the light was undoubtedly a bright refreshing yellow -cutting clear distinctions between the shadow and the light; a welcome change from the dreary grey tones under the overcast skies of winter. But most of all it was the breeze, bringing with it the teasing smell of the soil, the grass, of warmth. 

  Clark didn't know why, but something about the evening light of this time year of year, the sun setting with a longer, slower golden glow than in the darker months,  filled him with an excruciatingly exquisite sadness….It was a feeling that had stayed with Clark since childhood, when at the back of  your mind, while you run, and play, running barefoot through the fields, you know that none of it can last. The summer always came to an end, and always far sooner than expected.

  It said something about your outlook on life, Clark thought, when even at tentative beginnings, you are already waiting for your happiness to come to an end.

  _Yet another introspective observation, Clark._  He thought. _I guess that's what all this comes down to._

  He tore his eyes away from the view of the sunset from his loft window, and back down to the blank pages of the book open on his lap. He was sprawled on his tattered couch – with his gangly form, he could hardly curl up, though he did allow himself the comfort of a light blanket draped over him. Certainly the evenings weren't quite warm enough yet to stay outdoors all night comfortably, but the cold could never bother this boy. No, the blanket was there for comfort, and admittedly, a sense of security, a reminder of when his mom used to gently cover him with it when he fell asleep on the porch on summer nights. Back when he was innocent, dreaming of nothing but paper moons and cardboard seas…

 _But no more_…_no, things have got a lot more complicated haven't they?_

 He swallowed hard, and  stared at the blank pages of the notebook that was soon to become the receptacle for all his fears and doubts, all the thoughts that had some time ago began to creep into his mind, 'till he was left with an aching tangled whirlpool of emotions and urges, shame and curiosity, hope and fear, that he had failed to acknowledge or express.

 Until today. Today, when he had seen the pile of empty black hardback notebooks gathering dust in the school storage closet, while he was searching for some paper for The Torch's printer.  Suddenly  he had  realised that he had a means of expression, he could write out all his thoughts and try and make sense of them by making them substantial, words on a page that he couldn't ignore, couldn't shy away from, and couldn't pretend had never existed. 

  He had a diary now. He had a way to make all this tangible, to make him face up to it all. 

 The question now was whether he had the courage to use it. 

 Clark looked around the empty loft. His parents were spending the evening with old friends in Metropolis and wouldn't be back till the early hours of the morning. It was just him, alone in this environment he had created, and moulded around him over the years. His 'fortress of solitude'. 

  He uncapped his pen, the sound of plastic on plastic as clearly audible as the soft rustle of his clothing as he settled himself into a comfortable position to write. He knew that once he started, he could never go back from what he'd written, and quite frankly, he was afraid of what thoughts would pass down his arm into that pen, and appear before him in ink, faster than his mind could try and censure it. 

  _No, I have to be honest. Completely and utterly. No holding back Clark – you've been doing that for a long long time. No more hiding from yourself._

He sighed. _What the hell. _ He applied the pen to the bleached white, faintly textured surface of the first blank page, and began to write.

 _"My name is Clark Kent.  And I think I might be gay."_


	2. PART 1 Hiding

**Author's note :** You can find a summary of 'Streetcar' at www.sparknotes.com/lit/streetcar/summary.html.  This will probably be a drawn-out project – I just thought I'd start posting parts up asap to get an idea of responses etc.

Writing those first words quite honestly changed Clark's life. It changed his perspective of the world. Or rather, it made him realise that his view of the world had been growing different to that of , say, Pete, for quite a while now.  Seeing those words Clark realised that he was truly different form his male peers, in more than the extraterrestrial sense. And suddenly, sitting there alone in the strange, timeless moment of early dusk, shut off from the world, he saw with a strange new clarity just how long he'd been feeling this way. How long he'd felt strangely awkward and afraid whenever the topic of relationships came up, whenever Pete and the other guy's were talking about their latest 'conquests'. 

   Whenever he had vaguely acknowledged these feelings, he had always brushed his confusion away, figuring it was embarrassment at his lack of experience. On the even rarer occasion when he asked himself **why** he had no experience, he put it down to a  fear of whether he could make a physical relationship with a girl **work.  **Who knew what crazy alien hormones could make him do? What if he got carried away and hurt some poor girl? What if he was, well, different?  All these fears had offered adequate, though depressing explanations for his strange reluctance to enter the world of serious dating. Needless to say, they were the only concerns related to his powers that never made it into the dinner-table discussions.

  He saw it all now, how he'd always felt, in the pit of his stomach, in the back of his mind, a strange, elusive panic whenever anything related to sex or relationships came into the topic of conversation. 

 Most of all, he realised why he'd chosen Lana to be he object of his affections. He looked back at all his actions and was shocked, yet strangely contented, to acknowledge that he had never truly wanted her. She was the classic, unattainable beauty. She was way above him in terms of popularity, she had a boyfriend, she thought of him as a friend. A mixture of her unquestionable sweetness, and attractiveness, as well as the complete clutz he turned into whenever he got near her, had served to convince him of his 'infatuation' with her. Of course, a large part of the latter could be explained by her necklace, but he had never, until now, admitted quite how much.

  The truth was, he did care about Lana. But as he wrote in the diary, as he let his train of thought pour out uncensored, lacking any self-denial, Clark noted that  he honestly didn't feel more for her than for Chloe or Pete. She was a friend. And though his mind, encouraged by his environment, had convinced him that he should be, and therefore probably was, attracted to this girl, his heart told him that there was no extra feelings of desire there. He had been deluding himself. He had been swept away by a notion, the same way that he had always been, when as a kid he had discovered a new power, or a new game…How many times in his childhood had he  gone through phases of  dressing up as the comic-book hero who had most recently captured his imagination, or in adolescence, discovered a new band, played their album non-stop for a week, before leaving it to gather dust ever after? It sounded so insensitive, so trivial, so shallow – and  ultimately so true – but Lana Lang had been nothing but anther phase. A longer, more convincing fixation than any he had had previously, and one that had helped him to believe that he was no different than any other guy, when it came to women….but  it hadn't been real. 

What he felt now, was that real? What he felt when he looked at him, at-

No. Clark wasn't quite  ready to go there quite yet. This was still all so incredible, the way this 'confession' felt like it was lightening the burden on his soul. His blue-grey eyes were on the verge of filling with tears, the experience was affecting him so greatly, the words on the page tearing way the deceptions, the repressed feelings, all the self-delusions. The truth was being wrenched from his subconscious, from the back of his mind, and forced into reality on the pages before him, and he was in shock at just how clear everything was now.

Pausing for a moment, he gave a surprised little laugh, when he realised the first time, apart from those vague, awkward feelings, that he'd sensed something was different…

 It must have been about four or five months ago. His English Literature class…

 He had come to love it, the study of words. He had a way with them. He seemed to be able to understand them in a way which greatly surprised him, for he sensed pretty soon that his understanding and appreciation was at a deeper level than any of his classmates. At one point he had even wondered if he could be a writer himself someday, grabbing his reader's attention, and stirring their emotions in the way that his were being stirred…

  Clark was always very guarded of his opinions and insights though. Yes, Clark Kent, who had fought quite a variety of enemies to date, would continue to chicken out in the day-to-day realm of school, a place where he was out there on his own, being judged by his teachers and peers. Sitting at that desk, second row centre, with Pete in front of him drawing cartoons in the margin of his notebook, and Chloe to his left yawning and flicking absent-mindedly through the text, Clark could never build up the courage to raise his hand to answer a question, and suffer the onslaught of seventeen pairs of surprised, curious eyes scrutinising him, unimpressed by the hesitant, stuttering opinions or explanations that would come from his mouth. __

  He didn't like attention. He didn't want to be the Teacher's Pet, he didn't want to be stand out. He didn't want them to notice he was different.__

   Of course, at that point 'different' just meant having an interest in his work. But that quickly began to change…

   Clark had never really been that passionate about literature before that year. He certainly wasn't a big reader in the sense of really getting into a good novel, seeing all the underlying themes, or appreciating the style_. _As soon as he'd picked up the trick of reading a whole book in under 10 seconds, he pretty much gave up 'savouring' literature. But this year things had changed. With this class, came his sudden love of the written word.

  Maybe it was the material – maybe it became more mature, more moving, and more passionate, or maybe it was just his teen hormones that made it seem suddenly more…understandable. Interesting. What with his developing powers, and well, the development of all those concerns that come with being an adolescent, themes such as love and death, passion and fear, and all the subtleties of human relationships, and just all the pain and confusion of **living**  seemed so much more relevant…Clark started to yearn for all this insight, devouring it in the material being studied. 

But it had been that one work, five months ago, that had really got him excited, that peaked his curiosity and made him examine in excruciating detail all its messages. It would be his interest in certain messages in particular, that led to his first real concerns…

Tennessee Williams' "A streetcar named Desire" was a play about sex. Clark's English instructor declared as much clearly and loudly when she had first handed round their copies of the play, with the intent of grabbing everybody's attention. She succeeded.  Of course there was the ensuing laughter, and raised eyebrows. And then there were the weeks of simple study, reading it through, understanding the background, the era it was written in, studying structure and the style. It was their task to become familiar with the story of Blanche DuBois, hiding from her sordid past and her guilt concerning her gay husband's suicide, all the time fighting a battle of wills with the sexual predator that was Stanley Kowlaski.

 "Streetcar is an integral part of modern popular culture." The class had been told, and sure enough everyone knew the names, the classic lines about the 'kindness of strangers' and Stanley's famous scream for 'Stell-aaahhh!". And of course, Clark recalled with a grin, Pete and Chloe fell over themselves laughing as they tried out the southern accents. 

Then came the crude comments from one of the jocks at the back of the class, muttering about how he could care less about some fag's play about a crazy tease who probably deserved everything she got. With minds like that in the class, Clark was not about to risk revealing his unexplained fascination with the play, by volunteering responses to the teacher's questions. Fascinated as he was, asfar as Chloe and Pete knew their friend was no more interested than them_. _To them,it was just another assignment. It only got personal for them so far as to warrant a couple of comments about the crappy representation of African-Americans, and the lack of real reproach for abusive treatment of women in the play_. _

But Clark found his attention inadvertently seized, in particular by one discussion, towards the end of a lesson, in which the students were generally tired, restless, and too busy thinking about the big game in three days time. It was the teacher's attempt to try and engage her class's interest, and really take them into the important issues of the play. In the long run, it would take Clark into the most confusing issue of his young life.

  "Listen guys, you're getting that sexuality is one of the key themes of the play, but you've got to realise that homosexuality is just as present here as heterosexuality. " The teacher looked at them meaningfully, her words accentuated by a rhythmic waving of the text before her in time with her points. "You've gotta remember that Williams was gay, and that although he couldn't openly deal with homosexuality in a play at this time, the issues are in here, and you have to start confronting them, and talking about them."

 There were a few sniggers from the jocks under the lines of 'yeah, right'., while some kids visibly winced out of their discomfort at talking about the subject. Other's faces showed a desire to be enthusiastic, but they just didn't have the understanding or experience to discuss this.

  The teacher sighed.

 "For example…let's look at scene five, where Blanche comes on to the paper boy. This isn't just Blanche's drunken flirting here, this is Williams trying to reveal the intricacies of Blanche's character." She found several blank faces staring back at her. Unnoticed in the second row, the boy with the raven black hair let it fall over his face as he looked down intensely at the text. 

  The teacher leant on her desk and nodded towards an unsuspecting victim.

 "Okay, Pete…can you tell me for example, what parallels we can draw between this young boy and Blanche's late husband?"

 Sympathetic, or amused eyes turned towards Pete as he sat casually in his chair, a hesitant smile as he gave a slight shrug.

 "Wasn't her husband quite young too? Maybe Williams is tryin' to say she's basic'ly a cradle-robber."

 A wide grin appeared on his face as a mild wave of laughter went round the class.

 The teacher allowed herself a small smile, but her voice showed signs of disappointment.

 " It's a little bit more complicated than that. Can anyone take Pete's point a little deeper? Anyone? What is it Blanche is attracted to in these two men?"

  There was one of those silences that always followed a question that everybody knew no-one can answer, and the students took the standard eyes-down approach, waiting for the inevitable uncomfortable atmosphere that would force the teacher to answer her own question.

 But the silence was broken by a soft voice, full of the surprised satisfaction of one who had found been thinking deeply about a puzzle, and had found themselves announcing their conclusion out loud.

"Vulnerability."

The eyes had all turned, none going quite so wide with surprise as Chloe's or Pete's as they turned to see it was Clark who had spoken. Realising what he'd blurted out, Clark had raised his eyes hesitantly, a faint blush appearing on those well-defined cheeks. He tried to concentrate on the teacher's happy face as she nodded in approval at him.

 "Excellent Mr Kent. Care to elaborate?"

 He had blocked out all the eyes then, and instead watched himself, as if from afar, as he spoke confidently, explaining his theory.

 "Well, both of them are young, but although I think Williams was concentrating on the confusion and hesitation that we can see in the youth of the paper boy, I think for Blanche's husband, it was his confusion over his sexuality that made him vulnerable. 

  In this scene Blanche sees herself as offering experience to a young boy intimidated   by her sexual maturity, while in the past, she had offered her husband a chance to hide away from the truth, a means of escaping his true sexuality . "     There was a slight hesitation then, and an almost indistinguishable frown, followed by a shaking of the head, as if he was shaking off a thought that had started to appear. He continued.

 "But, ah, what Williams is pointing out with all this, is that either way, Blanche has never really had a strong dominant heterosexual man…which is why she's both attracted to, and completely afraid of, Stanley - who incorporates all these things."

  He could dimly recall Pete's jaw hanging open as he stared at him from the seat in front, and the teacher's enthusiastic response, cut short by the bell. But what had really made him falter as he went to pack his book-bag, and made him cast his eyes away quickly from the classmates pouring out of the room on all sides of him was the complete understanding and empathy he had found himself feeling for the position Blanche's husband was in. How confused he was, how ashamed of his urges he must have been, and how desperately he must have grabbed the opportunity to fall for Blanche's seductive nature, to allow himself to be caught by her charms, to have been married to this beautiful example of feminine allure. How desperately he must have wanted to able to hide from the truth, and tried to convince himself by pursuing Blanche, that he was just as 'red-blooded' a male as the next man.

Now Clark realised why that moment had been so pivotal. Because somewhere, deep down, he had suspected that he had the same attitude towards Lana.

So, that had been the first moment he had had the sense that he was running, hiding from something. For although he had repelled all those feelings an thoughts quickly, and had repressed them by the time had had stepped out of the classroom, there remained in him, a sense that there was something lurking at the back his mind, a well of uncertainty that should remain untapped, a line that he had to be careful not to cross. He began to have the sense that he had to be very careful, and avoid something, some train of thought. He had started to hide.

But not long after, he would be forced to wonder from what.

TBC


	3. More than a friend

**Spoilers:** Incredibly mild ones for eps up to 'Zero'

**Author's note :** Thanks for the feedback so far folks…and as requested ;-), Lex does actually feature in this part (albeit in 'flashback' mode…i.e Clark's recollection of events up to the night of writing in the diary). Enjoy.

Clark stopped writing , allowing himself to stretch out his cramped writing hand, hearing it 'click'. A rotation of his neck gave the same result, and as he massaged his tense neck muscles, the physical sensations brought him back from the world of thought, emotion and memory that he had been making tangible on the pages before him. 

 Looking round he realised that it was really starting to get dark, and as familiar as his surroundings were, he couldn't helped but be a little spooked by the shadows of the meandering, creaking structure of the barn. He was about to get off the couch and go and turn on the lamp he had in the corner, when he spotted the candles and matches on the old, low table beside him.

  Clark laughed at himself in the darkness.

  Of course, he'd realised that he might chicken out of his task, should the opportunity to step away from the diary arise. He had known that any interruption in this long-needed confession of his would be fully taken advantage of, and he would go back to shying away from that proverbial line that he didn't want to cross.

 _You sure pick your moments of self-awareness Clark._ He thought to himself.

 For he had known himself all too well, at least in that respect, when he had sat down to write it all down. Now, just when he was about to truly start admitting things to himself, he was so tempted to run away. He would get up to turn the lamp on, then convince himself that this should probably wait till morning. He would go back to the house, watch some TV perhaps, all the while ignoring the diary he'd most like have hidden somewhere away from prying eyes. And in the harsh light of day, with his parents at home, his mom making breakfast, his dad telling him to do his chores, then the school day ahead of him, with his friends and homework….with all that, he knew he would convince himself that this past hour, all the things he was writing, they were all the result of some temporary insanity. This moment of solitude, of clarity, of complete honesty with himself would pass.

That was tempting. It was incredibly tempting.  But only to his mind, and the part of him that was afraid. His heart, his emotions, his urges were all tempted by somethi-, no, somebody else. And at this moment, warm, snug and comfortable underneath the blanket, the blank pages of the diary in his hand beckoning to be filled, the pen in his hand…at this moment his heart won over his head.

He twisted round to light the candles, and for a moment he let his eyes adjust to their warm, flickering glow, as they cast unreal, animated shadows on the wooden beams.

He started to write again, admitting to himself why he had just been about to stop this journey of self-discovery. It was because up till now, he had only wrote about his feelings of being different, and his early experiences of recognising  this difference, this  - he smiled – this vulnerability.

  But what he had failed to confront of course was that this thing…this, well, being gay…it wasn't just the fact that it was being different. It was how you were different…

  Clark gave an irritated sigh. This was hard to write about. He was still so unfamiliar with these phrases…he had only an hour ago dared to use the word 'gay' in reference to himself and it still felt very strange, very…new. Unreal. It had been difficult finding the words for what he had written so far of course, but all that seemed fairly vague and abstract in comparison to this. He felt like he was going past a huge point of no return. It was more than a little discomforting to realise there was going to be another one after all he had gone through so far. 

Here goes.

Being gay was about liking guys. There, he had said it. But the problem was, on that front there was a little confusion.  This whole thing hadn't started with him admiring guys in the locker room, or hell, watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer and finding himself attracted to Angel rather than the pint-sized heroine, for goodness' sake.

  Maybe if it had been something like that it would have been easier, more clear-cut. Attraction in that sense was purely physical, which Clark could have therefore linked more definitely with sexual preference.

But he just wasn't that type of guy. Maybe it was his sexual immaturity speaking, or even his emotional maturity, but it wasn't purely physical for him…in the beginning anyhow. It had been…a feeling. A look. A moment.

A moment when he had realised that he felt more for a friend than he should.

 It had been just after that whole thing with Club Zero. Clark had been defiantly not assessing his feelings during the whole incident, from the pangs of concern he'd felt on seeing his friend very worse-for-wear after his treatment by his captor, to the panic he'd felt when Lex had first gone missing. He told himself that he would have felt all that for any of his friends…his fear had probably been no greater than when Chloe had been in hospital. Probably.

   But one Friday evening, a little while after his rescue of Lex, Clark had been sitting in the coffee house, at their usual table. Chloe and Pete had hung out with him there for nearly two hours after school, laughing and joking about their classes, their friends, and the more radical theories Chloe had discovered when adding to the Wall of Weird.

  But then Chloe had to go off to a babysitting job, and about five minutes later Pete was approached by a girl in his history class, who'd been sitting glumly near the counter for a while looking at her watch with the distinct impression of one who'd been stood up. Pete had eagerly agreed to go catch a movie with her, and had all but pulled on his jacket before he'd spotted the problem. The Clark-shaped problem languishing on the sofa with a cup of coffee.

 "Oh, hey Clark man, I'm sorry –I don't wanna bail on you, but –"

 But Clark had waved his apologies away, giving his friend what he hoped was a knowing grin.

 "No, go, enjoy yourselves...I was gonna head home as soon as I'd finished this anyway."

 Pete had flashed him a quick look of appreciation, and was quickly following his date out of the coffee house, glancing back only to mouth 'wish me luck'. 

Clark smiled and nodded, watching them walk out the door, noting the way Pete draped his arm so casually across the girl's shoulders.

His smile faltered somewhat with a pang of those feelings…confusion, envy, loneliness. They were becoming familiar now.

He relaxed back into his seat, adjusting to the sudden absence of the animated conversation that had been present at the table for the past couple of hours. As he glanced around at the other customers,  he spotted some guy sighing irritably as he used his cell-phone, obviously not getting a response. Clark suddenly recalled his frantic calls to Lex the week before, how he had tried all his contact numbers in a vain attempt to reach him and question him about the events three years ago at Club Zero. A slight frown appeared on his face as he absent-mindedly looked down into his coffee cup, cooling slowly in his hands.

 _When did that happen_? He'd thought. _When exactly did my friendship with Lex get so close?_ Lex was a 23 year-old son of a billionaire, a businessman in a world away from Clark's. And yet he, the teenage son of a farmer, perfectly suited to the small town life, with his close circle of friends and simple daily routine of classes and chores, knew Lex's home, cell and work numbers off by heart.  Lex's servants knew him by name.  While Chloe worked on the school paper, Pete was at football practice, and Lana and Whitney worked in their family businesses, Clark was spending an increasing amount of  his after-school hours at a billionaire son's mansion.

 He realised just how unusual his friendship must seem to his friends. Sure, he had saved Lex's life, but people save other people's lives all the time and don't end up several months later best friends with them. He realised that his dealings with Lionel Luthor's son should have come to a conclusion with the gift of the jeep, when all favours should have been repayed, and they should have gone their separate ways. 

  _How the hell had it got this far?_ He thought as he sat there staring off into oblivion.

 Hadn't it been only a couple of months ago that he'd found himself describing Lex  to his parents as his 'best friend'. It had just slipped out naturally, and he hadn't thought about it much at the time. Then last week he'd asked incredulously whether his mother thought he could just cut Lex out of his life…He was classing this man whom he hadn't know a year on the same level as Chloe and Pete…

..but he wasn't on the same level was he? Clark's friendship with Lex was different…

 He could never casually hang out with Lex, Chloe and Pete together. They looked at him as someone completely apart from their world, and Lex probably saw them likewise.  He remembered how, well, **business-like** Chloe's interview with Lex had been that night of the robbery. Chloe had asked Clark to 'make an appointment' with Lex, commenting on how she might as well take advantage of "this inexplicable friendship you two have got going".  And Lex had consented easily, but had treated Chloe in very much the same way he had treated Lana over the whole refurbishment of the Talon. Courteous, polite, slightly amused, but ultimately impersonally, adopting the standard image of the businessman, in control at all times.

 Clark realised that as far as he could tell, the  'real' Lex only appeared around him. Could the Lex who'd shown great humility and concern when he'd visited him at the hospital after he'd hurt his arm, the Lex who'd  spoken with a thick, sorrowful and confused voice to him and his parents when their cattle had been killed, the Lex whom he'd hauled up onto the collapsing ramp  on Level 3 of the plant….could that Lex be the same cool, distant owner of the Plant whom the rest of the world saw?

He wondered then just how many people Lex let see him like he did….

  Speak of the devil and he will appear. That apparently extends towards thinking, and friends, as at that moment Lex himself walked in through the door.  Even back then, when the suspicions were still only lurking at the back of Clark's mind, even then he was shocked at just how happy he became on seeing Lex. It was like instant joy, as if he'd been anxiously waiting for him all this time and hadn't realised it. He felt suddenly like everything was **right**, like his evening was only now about to start.

 He'd unconsciously sat up straight in his chair, his fingers clutching excitedly at the coffee-cup in his hands. He watched as Lex, dressed casually in a long dark jacket, and a white v-neck sweater that suited him far better than the harsh lines of his expensive suits.  He stood casually at the counter, leaning in to give his order, before turning…and looking straight towards Clark's usual table.

 Clark felt so inexplicably guilty for having been caught staring, and found himself concentrating so much on trying to keep a casual composure, that he nearly missed the wide grin that appeared on Lex's face, which he quickly toned down to a smile…

  Lex  turned and somewhat hastily took his coffee  from the kid behind the counter, before making his way over to where his friend was sitting. As he had watched him approach Clark had again felt a smile coming over his face, and he felt as if all the tension was seeping out of him as Lex eased himself into the chair opposite him.

 "Hey Clark." He'd said, looking at him with a smile on his face, as if amused at some private joke, as he slowly stirred his coffee. Clark had smiled back, placing his own now-cold drink down on the table.

 " Hey lex. How's it going?"

 Lex had  given a brief little laugh.

 " I came into a coffee house to drink alone on a Friday evening Clark.  And unless you're waiting for a date, it looks like you're just as popular as me right now."

 Clark shrugged.

 "I dunno…I've been sitting here for.. "-_wow,_ he thought, looking at his watch-"...half an hour holding a cold cup of coffee after my friend ditched me for his own date." He'd kept that grin on his face to try and show that he wasn't bitter. 

 Lex had raised an eyebrow, smiling.

 "Well then, his loss is my gain, for hopefully you'll order yourself another coffee and keep me company."  As Clark had stared back at his friend, his eyes bright, and his smile…well, playful, that's when the moment had come. That's when he'd realised that he was absolutely perfectly content to sit here, in the warmly-lit, intimate interior of the coffee house, talking with Lex as it grew dark outside, feeling as if the world was elsewhere, unimportant. 

  That's when he'd realised why his friendship with Lex seemed so much more different that with Chloe and Pete. It was on a whole other level. It was in a realm of its own.

Being with Lex made him happy in a way no-one else he knew could. 

And as he had had smiled and nodded, and watched Lex's face fill with satisfaction as he turned to attract the waitress' attention, Clark had begun for the first time, to let some of those suspicions filter through…

TBC


	4. Labels and Temptations

**O/A Summary :** A look at how Clark becomes aware of his sexuality, progressing towards a final acceptance of his feelings for Lex- and when he finally gets there, will he have the courage to act on them? 

**Rating**: Most will probably by PG-13, either for issues dealt with, language, and obviously mild sexual themes will come into it later.

**Disclaimer**: Smallville and its characters aren't mine. Not making any money. Just dealing with my own crazy issues yada yada yada. Oh, and having lots of fun in the meantime J

**Spoilers:** v.vague "Nicodemus"

**Author's note :**  I have to just stress how much I appreciate those of you who've taken the time to review – some of you a coupla times! Enthusiasm, support and constructive criticism have all been appreciated. One reviewer mentioned how this mirrored their own life, and I'd just like to point out that this fic, and your feedback, is so important to me for the same reasons ..so thankyou all!

-----------------

No, they didn't know.

They didn't know that Lex had come by again that night. Clark had been waiting , drawing out  his cups of coffee as long as he could, telling himself hat he wasn't quite ready to go home yet. But he knew he was lying to himself. He had lied to the others earlier. They had felt ready to leave, and he had waved them on, gesturing at his mug.

 "I'll just finish this, then I'm off too." He was amazed at how easily he had lied. A wide, apologetic Clark-grin, all white teeth, and twinkling eyes and they had accepted it. Goofy old Clark – slow drinker, and so stubborn that he would refuse to waste his money by not finishing the very last drop of coffee. Typical Clark.

 He'd still been sitting there an hour later. True, he had been reading the latest issue of The Torch repeatedly, rather than letting his thoughts roam (fairly) free, like he had the week before. But nevertheless, he knew as soon as Lex walked in, that he had been waiting for him. He was always waiting for him…he just never realised until he saw him.

  Lex had strode in, again dressed casually, and again, despite his well-familiar and well-practiced self control, the confident swagger, and the detached, yet faintly amused façade he used to face the world on a daily basis, despite all this, Clark thought for a second he saw a real look of pleasure and…relief, when Lex spotted him. He'd looked around more casually this week, on his entrance. He'd stood at the counter, hands in pockets, and glanced round a fair portion of the room before he let his eyes search out his friend's usual table. And he took care to sit, as last time, on the seat opposite Clark, rather than on the couch next to him.

  "Well, Clark" he'd began, with that typical Luthor wry grin. The voice of Clark's forbidden thoughts nagged to be heard, whispering _Don't you love it when he says your name? Doesn't your heart leap to your throat?_ Clark could only permit himself at that point to sense the vague impression of those whisperings, rather than the individual words, but was nevertheless filled with a buzz of fear and excitement.

   "We meet again." Lex had continued.

 Clark had smiled at his friend in what he hoped was a casual way, not asking himself in what other way he would otherwise have been be looking at the man across from him, who seemed to be able to exude confidence and poise even drinking coffee.

 "What, Lex, no meetings? No trips to Metropolis, no date? Again?" He sounded his normal teasing self, but inside his heart had gone fluttering with panic at the word 'date'.

 So still was Lex's composure, that had Clark known him a little longer, he would have realised it was the practiced calm of someone who was used to hiding their emotions.

 After a beat he gave a small smile back.

 "I've decided that I deserve at least one night a week off."

 "And you chose Friday? As in Friday night, second only to Saturday night in significance, socially speaking?" Clark had asked as Lex had taken a tentative sip of his coffee.

  "Well, you're not doing anything eitherClark." Lex had retorted playfully.

There had been a moment then. On the surface it seemed merely like a brief pause, and an onlooker might have thought it was due to both of them feeling a fleeting moment of self-pity for their lack of plans.

  But the truth was, that both of them had hesitated in their minds at Lex's comment. Both saw the other possible meaning in those words. Clark would ponder them for the next week, and beyond...he was still wondering to the moment of writing about this in his diary.  Wondering whether it was too much to take Lex's reply as an explanation for his choice of evenings off, an explanation that he had chosen that day because for the second week in a row, he had seen that Clark wasn't otherwise engaged. 

   Or perhaps it had simply been as it had sounded – a good-humored come-back in response to Clark's teasingly superior attitude. Perhaps that's how Lex had intended it…and perhaps he had realised too that there could be a deeper meaning. Perhaps he had wondered just how the raven-haired boy opposite him had taken it.

  The moment passed though, each easing into more comfortable conversation. They had talked about general things mostly, ignoring any of the tension that had existed between them during the Nicodemus incident. Clark never mentioned how glad he had been to see Lex at the hospital, how immediately comforted he had been. Lex never brought up Lana's behaviour, or asked Clark about his reaction to her new, 'confident' attitude.  

And neither one of them had said they would repeat this the next week.

But they did. Clark ,again, stayed behind, and again Lex came in a little while later. It happened every week after that, with Lex coming just that bit earlier each week, as if trying to get a feel for just how long Clark waited after Chloe and Pete had left. They always stayed until late though. 

    Every week they had been meeting, and strangely, their time on that Friday night would have a different feel to it than the other times they met. They never really brought up any of the times they'd seen each other, if any, during the week. They never went to the Talon, regardless of their regular visits there at other times. They never mentioned why they didn't, why they wanted to have a conversation together, unwatched by a certain assistant manager.  Clark felt the evenings were ultimately something precious, something private, and as such he never mentioned anything about them to anyone. As far as his parents knew a group of them all hung out at the Talon on Friday nights. Clark had wanted so abdly, to have something that was just his and Lex's.

  At first, they had talked about those general things of the first two instances. It was entertaining banter about living in Smallville, Clark's studies, Lex's 'lessons on life', movies and books, sports and music. It didn't matter about the content, or whether they had the same tastes or not, it was as if the conversation was there only as an excuse to be in each others' presence.

   And then, at their last meeting, a weekend and a day before Clark had come home and put pen to paper in his fortress of solitude, they had found themselves talking seriously. 

  He had no idea how it happened. It wasn't about Clark's suspicions and discomforting thoughts of course – it was only tonight that he truly talked about those with anyone, albeit if it was with himself, via the diary. But it had still been something close to his heart. 

  Somehow, Lex had got him talking about his parents. His real parents. It was a censored version of course, in terms of fact, but it was the most honest account of his feelings about his abandonment that he had ever given to anyone. He told Lex about his fears, about whether he had been unwanted because of something about him…maybe he wasn't what they had expected. Or what if his parents had died? What if he had just purely been abandoned, with no message anywhere in the world to explain why? He told of the guilt he felt about yearning for parents he'd never knew, who'd given him nothing but life, when he had two people now who cared about him so much.  He poured out his heart.

  His voice became thick, and he felt the beginnings of tears in his eyes, but he didn't restrain himself, didn't stop, as Lex encouraged him to continue. His voice, his looks were the most tender Clark had ever seen, and he even saw the pain of compassion on Lex's face as he quietly expressed his fears, the two of them sitting side by side for once, feeling the need for the support of close proximity.

    When he was finished Clark had looked into Lex's eyes with complete vulnerability. 

   That's when he had felt the yearning to hold him, to be held by him.

    That's when he felt the first true pangs of love.

  He had eventually laughed away the seriousness of the moment, and apologised for getting all emotional. Lex had stopped him, saying after a moment,

 "Clark there's no need. I'll always be here if you need me." He'd said it with a tone of complete truth. It was a fact, not an offer. It was a pledge of understanding. 

 Clark had been surprised at the shock and emotion that had involuntarily crossed over his friend's face when he had replied just as determinedly, and yet softly,

 "I'll always be here for you too Lex."

So grateful did Lex look, Clark wondered with a heavy heart whetehr he'd been the first person to ever say those words to him…

They had parted that night, never before having felt so close a bond between them.

~ ~ ~ 

And that was the end of Clark's account of his struggles up to this night. At least, that was all he felt he could write about at this point. The fears for the future, this sudden terrible sense of the unknown was something that could wait for tomorrow. He didn't want to think about where he went from here, or how he would live with tonight, with what he had written.

  For regardless of his earlier assessment, he really wasn't as wired anymore as he'd thought.  He never had to worry about lying in his bed staring up at the ceiling while his thoughts kept him awake.

 Instead, he succumbed to exhaustion right there and then, enveloped in his blanket and in his solitude, on the couch in the barn.

~ ~ ~

Clark never knew whether it was the beam of sunlight that hit his eyes, or the creaking of a floorboard that woke him first, or whether it was the mixture of both.

  All he knew was how quickly he analysed the scene before him.

 His hands were empty. The diary was instead placed neatly on the table next to him. And looking up past them, he saw Lex standing there, his eyes quickly shifting away from Clark's in unmistakable guilt. 

TBC

EML

Lookee – feedback button- right there, below…go on, you know you want to…


	5. Just the two of us

**Spoilers:** v.vague "Nicodemus"

-----------------

No, they didn't know.

They didn't know that Lex had come by again that night. Clark had been waiting , drawing out  his cups of coffee as long as he could, telling himself hat he wasn't quite ready to go home yet. But he knew he was lying to himself. He had lied to the others earlier. They had felt ready to leave, and he had waved them on, gesturing at his mug.

 "I'll just finish this, then I'm off too." He was amazed at how easily he had lied. A wide, apologetic Clark-grin, all white teeth, and twinkling eyes and they had accepted it. Goofy old Clark – slow drinker, and so stubborn that he would refuse to waste his money by not finishing the very last drop of coffee. Typical Clark.

 He'd still been sitting there an hour later. True, he had been reading the latest issue of The Torch repeatedly, rather than letting his thoughts roam (fairly) free, like he had the week before. But nevertheless, he knew as soon as Lex walked in, that he had been waiting for him. He was always waiting for him…he just never realised until he saw him.

  Lex had strode in, again dressed casually, and again, despite his well-familiar and well-practiced self control, the confident swagger, and the detached, yet faintly amused façade he used to face the world on a daily basis, despite all this, Clark thought for a second he saw a real look of pleasure and…relief, when Lex spotted him. He'd looked around more casually this week, on his entrance. He'd stood at the counter, hands in pockets, and glanced round a fair portion of the room before he let his eyes search out his friend's usual table. And he took care to sit, as last time, on the seat opposite Clark, rather than on the couch next to him.

  "Well, Clark" he'd began, with that typical Luthor wry grin. The voice of Clark's forbidden thoughts nagged to be heard, whispering _Don't you love it when he says your name? Doesn't your heart leap to your throat?_ Clark could only permit himself at that point to sense the vague impression of those whisperings, rather than the individual words, but was nevertheless filled with a buzz of fear and excitement.

   "We meet again." Lex had continued.

 Clark had smiled at his friend in what he hoped was a casual way, not asking himself in what other way he would otherwise have been be looking at the man across from him, who seemed to be able to exude confidence and poise even drinking coffee.

 "What, Lex, no meetings? No trips to Metropolis, no date? Again?" He sounded his normal teasing self, but inside his heart had gone fluttering with panic at the word 'date'.

 So still was Lex's composure, that had Clark known him a little longer, he would have realised it was the practiced calm of someone who was used to hiding their emotions.

 After a beat he gave a small smile back.

 "I've decided that I deserve at least one night a week off."

 "And you chose Friday? As in Friday night, second only to Saturday night in significance, socially speaking?" Clark had asked as Lex had taken a tentative sip of his coffee.

  "Well, you're not doing anything eitherClark." Lex had retorted playfully.

There had been a moment then. On the surface it seemed merely like a brief pause, and an onlooker might have thought it was due to both of them feeling a fleeting moment of self-pity for their lack of plans.

  But the truth was, that both of them had hesitated in their minds at Lex's comment. Both saw the other possible meaning in those words. Clark would ponder them for the next week, and beyond...he was still wondering to the moment of writing about this in his diary.  Wondering whether it was too much to take Lex's reply as an explanation for his choice of evenings off, an explanation that he had chosen that day because for the second week in a row, he had seen that Clark wasn't otherwise engaged. 

   Or perhaps it had simply been as it had sounded – a good-humored come-back in response to Clark's teasingly superior attitude. Perhaps that's how Lex had intended it…and perhaps he had realised too that there could be a deeper meaning. Perhaps he had wondered just how the raven-haired boy opposite him had taken it.

  The moment passed though, each easing into more comfortable conversation. They had talked about general things mostly, ignoring any of the tension that had existed between them during the Nicodemus incident. Clark never mentioned how glad he had been to see Lex at the hospital, how immediately comforted he had been. Lex never brought up Lana's behaviour, or asked Clark about his reaction to her new, 'confident' attitude.  

And neither one of them had said they would repeat this the next week.

But they did. Clark ,again, stayed behind, and again Lex came in a little while later. It happened every week after that, with Lex coming just that bit earlier each week, as if trying to get a feel for just how long Clark waited after Chloe and Pete had left. They always stayed until late though. 

    Every week they had been meeting, and strangely, their time on that Friday night would have a different feel to it than the other times they met. They never really brought up any of the times they'd seen each other, if any, during the week. They never went to the Talon, regardless of their regular visits there at other times. They never mentioned why they didn't, why they wanted to have a conversation together, unwatched by a certain assistant manager.  Clark felt the evenings were ultimately something precious, something private, and as such he never mentioned anything about them to anyone. As far as his parents knew a group of them all hung out at the Talon on Friday nights. Clark had wanted so abdly, to have something that was just his and Lex's.

  At first, they had talked about those general things of the first two instances. It was entertaining banter about living in Smallville, Clark's studies, Lex's 'lessons on life', movies and books, sports and music. It didn't matter about the content, or whether they had the same tastes or not, it was as if the conversation was there only as an excuse to be in each others' presence.

   And then, at their last meeting, a weekend and a day before Clark had come home and put pen to paper in his fortress of solitude, they had found themselves talking seriously. 

  He had no idea how it happened. It wasn't about Clark's suspicions and discomforting thoughts of course – it was only tonight that he truly talked about those with anyone, albeit if it was with himself, via the diary. But it had still been something close to his heart. 

  Somehow, Lex had got him talking about his parents. His real parents. It was a censored version of course, in terms of fact, but it was the most honest account of his feelings about his abandonment that he had ever given to anyone. He told Lex about his fears, about whether he had been unwanted because of something about him…maybe he wasn't what they had expected. Or what if his parents had died? What if he had just purely been abandoned, with no message anywhere in the world to explain why? He told of the guilt he felt about yearning for parents he'd never knew, who'd given him nothing but life, when he had two people now who cared about him so much.  He poured out his heart.

  His voice became thick, and he felt the beginnings of tears in his eyes, but he didn't restrain himself, didn't stop, as Lex encouraged him to continue. His voice, his looks were the most tender Clark had ever seen, and he even saw the pain of compassion on Lex's face as he quietly expressed his fears, the two of them sitting side by side for once, feeling the need for the support of close proximity.

    When he was finished Clark had looked into Lex's eyes with complete vulnerability. 

   That's when he had felt the yearning to hold him, to be held by him.

    That's when he felt the first true pangs of love.

  He had eventually laughed away the seriousness of the moment, and apologised for getting all emotional. Lex had stopped him, saying after a moment,

 "Clark there's no need. I'll always be here if you need me." He'd said it with a tone of complete truth. It was a fact, not an offer. It was a pledge of understanding. 

 Clark had been surprised at the shock and emotion that had involuntarily crossed over his friend's face when he had replied just as determinedly, and yet softly,

 "I'll always be here for you too Lex."

So grateful did Lex look, Clark wondered with a heavy heart whetehr he'd been the first person to ever say those words to him…

They had parted that night, never before having felt so close a bond between them.

~ ~ ~ 

And that was the end of Clark's account of his struggles up to this night. At least, that was all he felt he could write about at this point. The fears for the future, this sudden terrible sense of the unknown was something that could wait for tomorrow. He didn't want to think about where he went from here, or how he would live with tonight, with what he had written.

  For regardless of his earlier assessment, he really wasn't as wired anymore as he'd thought.  He never had to worry about lying in his bed staring up at the ceiling while his thoughts kept him awake.

 Instead, he succumbed to exhaustion right there and then, enveloped in his blanket and in his solitude, on the couch in the barn.

~ ~ ~

Clark never knew whether it was the beam of sunlight that hit his eyes, or the creaking of a floorboard that woke him first, or whether it was the mixture of both.

  All he knew was how quickly he analysed the scene before him.

 His hands were empty. The diary was instead placed neatly on the table next to him. And looking up past them, he saw Lex standing there, his eyes quickly shifting away from Clark's in unmistakable guilt. 

TBC

EML

Lookee – feedback button- right there, below…go on, you know you want to…


	6. PART 2 Rude awakenings

~Ladies and gents, welcome to Part 2 : we're talking no more Clark back-story, and even- shock horror- a Lex POV. Enjoy!~

------

_"Man is the only creature that refuses to be what he is."   
__-Albert Camus___

  Lex could not help his reaction , his flustered behaviour, his body language that he knew made him look like a kid who'd been found with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar.  He wasn't used to being caught out like this, because quite frankly, he never let himself take so many foolish chances in the business world . There was always a misleading trail, taking the blame far away from him if things went wrong, making the possibility of him personally standing here with guilt written across his flushed face exceedingly remote.

 But caught he had been. And by Clark, of all people.

 Trying desperately to regain his composure he forced his eyes to focus steadily on Clark. 

 He  couldn't have been more surprised at his young friend's reaction. 

 There was a look of complete horror on his face, tired and drawn as it was, and Clark had got up so fast he'd practically fallen over. In a rough, clumsy, and overall instinctive movement he had grabbed the hardback book from the table, hugging it to himself in an incredibly  exaggerated  protective way.

 His eyes were wide with fear, not anger, as he stared wildly at Lex, unblinking in his complete abject terror.

  Lex's discomfort turned to confusion and concern in an instant as Clark's strange state.

 "Woah, Clark, what's wr-"

"Tell me you didn't." Clark exclaimed in a rush, his breaths heavy with fear.

 Lex  frowned in alarm.

 "Didn't?"

 "Didn't read it." 

 Lex's glance went from his friend's face to his vice-like grip on the book in his hands. Realisation slowly dawned.

 "Oh, God, Clark no!" Understanding and relief flowed across Lex's features, spreading to Clark's as he continued.

 "God, no I would never…I figured you must have fallen asleep writing in your journal, so I just closed it and put it on the table. Clark I would never invade your privacy like that."

  But another wave of suspicion overcame his friend.

 "But, when I woke up, you were all, well..."

 Lex tried to keep his tone casual, even amused, as he replied, 

 " 'Guilty –looking'?"

Clark gave a small nod.

 "Oh, I was just embarrassed at having woken you up. That's all." An easy smile covered his lie well.

~ ~ ~

Clark recovered quickly from his scare, his other life-long secret having taught him the art of covering strange behaviour well. Lex too, had been eager to move away from the moment, and had quickly explained that he had dropped by, and Martha had told him where her son would be, and had welcomed Lex's offer to go make sure he was up in time for school. He'd come to invite him to shoot some pool at the mansion that night, since a business meeting had been cancelled. 

  Later, Clark would be thankful that his anxious state had prevented him from showing the true pleasure he'd felt at the invitation. As aware as he was of the need to try and act normal around Lex after last night, he couldn't help but feel a twinge of delight at the thought of Lex and him alone together. 

  Lex had accepted Clark's encouraging smile and confirmation that he'd "defiantly try and make it", with a nod, and had left calmly, throwing back a " Have a great day, Clark" as he descended the stairs. 

 As soon as was out of sigh of the Kent farm, he had pulled his car over and turned off the engine. For a second he just sat there, letting out a slow sigh, his hands both clenching the steering wheel tightly. He closed his eyes, and leant back his head on the leather seat, taking in the sounds of the expanse of nature around him. There was nothing except the occasional birdsong, a testimony to the early hour, and the hypnotic whisperings of the breeze through the tall grasses of the fields on either side. The sounds cleared his mind. They always had. They were part of the magic of this place, its purity, away from the concrete and  glass, the billboards and traffic jams, the suits and the sharks that wore them, that made up his life in Metropolis. This place had done something to him. He felt he was safe here.

   When he opened his eyes, they were dragged inadvertently towards the rear-view mirror, and to his own image staring back at him. 

 "What the hell are you doing, Lex?" he asked himself out loud.

 Yes, he had lied to Clark earlier. But not about reading his diary. He really had simply moved the book from Clark's loose grip, and placed it on the table besides him. Of course there had been a yearning to read what he correctly assumed was a diary, but something inside him stopped him. The sickening feeling that came with betraying Clark's trust. A feeling that he had felt too many times before.

 No, he hadn't lied about the dairy. But he had been lying when he'd said his guilty demeanour was simply due to waking Clark up with his presence. For his shame was due more to a fear of having been caught doing what he'd been doing.

  He had been watching Clark.

 He'd been standing less than an arm's reach away, gazing at his sleeping form for over five minutes. It was the perverse pleasure of finally being able to stare at Clark the way he'd always wanted to, that had really unnerved him. Lex Luthor, reduced to a peeping Tom, watching the rise and fall of his friend's chest, the soft breaths passing over those lips…those lips that he had never dared to look at the way he did then. It was the realisation that nobody was watching, that there was no-one to hide from, that had allowed him to examine every inch of Clark's face, his jet-black locks of hair dishevelled from sleep falling over his eyes. He'd never looked so closely at that face, that had intrigued him, confused him, and taken up a disconcerting amount of his waking thoughts since he had first seen it; silhouetted against a grey sky above him, after that fateful crash. 

   Ten minutes ago he'd taken the opportunity to gaze upon the forbidden fruit. And now he felt sickened by the feelings that had arisen in him at the sight of the slumbering boy before him, who though so mature in his appearance and his behaviour, was still technically a child. 

 That was why the guilt had come, when Clark had awoken. The moment had been shattered, and the realisation of what he'd allowed himself to do had hit him at the same time as his fear of whether Clark had seen the look of painful longing on his face, through his sleep-filled eyes.

 Then to make it even worse, he found himself now, sitting in his car, remembering Clark's reaction when he'd thought he had read the diary. The violent horror with which he'd grabbed that book, the way he'd clutched it to him…Now Lex knew for certain that Clark had a terrible secret to hide. Whatever it was, it had obviously kept him up all night, and that –as well as those Friday night meetings -made him suspect that Clark's behaviour towards him lately hadn't been his imagination. 

It hadn't been just wishful thinking…

He shook that thought away angrily.

_ Don't go there, Lex. You're imagining things._

Whatever Clark was or was not feeling wasn't the point. The point was that he shouldn't allow himself to get carried away by these…these notions. 

  Normally he wouldn't even have allowed the idea of an attraction to Clark to enter his mind, but there was…the incident.

   One night. In his teens. He had done things which had forever made him more….*aware* of the possibility that something like this could happen. Of course, he had always blamed that night on the stuff he'd taken, combined with the intensity of the party atmosphere. And besides, it wasn't like he'd gone all the way. But nevertheless he had done things, or rather, allowed things to be done to him, behind a locked door at that house party… To this day, on those hot summer nights, those sleepless nights of stifling air and the pressing of claustrophobia from the tangled sheets around him, he was taken back to that night. Sitting in a corner, laughing faces moving past him in a blur, while he had gazed around in his drugged up daze. The grinning face of someone, some guy, the friend of a friend, leaning down towards him whispering, tempting ;  "I know what you are." Lex had struggled to focus, but there was a genuine yearning for truth behind his mumbled words, 

"I don't even know who I am."

The dark-haried boy had held out his hand.

 "I can show you." Lex had taken his hand and been led away, his head feeling light and dizzy as if in a dream. And as mindless and unreal as it had all seemed at the time, and how little of it he had actually remembered later, he had always been waiting for something inside of him that had appeared that night to resurface again. ****

     And as of this morning, gazing at Clark's sleeping form he knew that it had. 

    God, how it had.

TBC

(Review!)


	7. Living with a secret

_Taking a new step, uttering a new word,_

_ is what people fear most._

_–Dostoyevski_

 By the time Clark had recovered from his heart-stopping, and yet ultimately pleasant, wake-up call, he realised that he'd have to use his super-speed if he was going to make it to school on time. He left the barn, and made it into the bathroom, then into his room to get changed in the usual blur, that to him was like walking through water, watching the movement of things around him –a clock, the kettle boiling in the kitchen – all in slow motion, floating through space.  He wondered then, not for the first time, how long he could last in that surreal world; how long he could move at speeds so fast, it felt like he could stop time. It would be the ultimate escape.

  The prospect of staying in this world for more than a few minutes though, had always filled him with a strange sense of dread. He shrugged it away now, as he had always done, and turning to go downstairs for breakfast, he spotted the diary he'd brought with him, lying on his bed.

 _Best not to leave this around for all to see again Clark._ A quick X-ray glance at his room revealed a hollow space below the floor of his wardrobe, and so, after a dragging aside several miscellaneous items, and pulling up the wooden base,  his diary found a new home.

 Just as he was turning to leave though, he felt a pang of uncertainty.

 _I could just leave it there,_ he thought._ All of it. Hide it away now, and pretend it never happened. Leave everything buried…_

  But thinking forward to seeing Lex that afternoon, he was filled with unmistakable happiness. No. This was real. He'd be writing in that diary again.  This was just another battle he'd have to face up to, albeit one a little closer to home than any of the other's he'd faced..

  It was strange, the feeling of having a secret that nobody knew about. Of course, there'd always been **the** secret, but not in this house, where it was talked about openly with his parents. This was the first thing he had completely to himself. Nobody else on earth knew what change he'd gone through last night. Maybe it was still the residual adrenaline from his meeting with Lex, but Clark couldn't help but see that as a little bit cool….He was in a good mood now, despite the nagging feeling that it wouldn't last as long.  He hung on to his good humoured, ' light' feeling, and the smile that came automatically to his face as he drank his OJ, leaning against the kitchen unit.

  "What are you so happy about this morning Clark?" 

He looked up as his father came down the stairs, and proceeded to help himself to some breakfast.

 Clark held his grin.

 "Oh, nothing." _Except I think I'm gay._

His father raised an eye-brow.

 "Must have been a good sleep you got last night then."

 "Yeah, I guess I did sleep well." _Y'know, after I realised I was gay. _

 His dad nodded towards Clark's juice.

 "Not eating anything?"

 His son tried to soften his grin now, the need to act normal slowly dawning on him.

 "Ah, I 'm really not that hungry ."

_No, because I don't think I could stomach it right now. Because, apparently, I'm gay. _

 After a few more seconds of this though, his stifled amusement, turned to something more serious. This wasn't working. He couldn't just stand here with his father, trying to ignore all the thoughts in his head. As his father continued to talk aimlessly about his plans for the day, it was starting to feel more than a little weird.  Despite the usual pleasure at knowing something nobody else did, ever present in his mind was the sense of guilt. His father would be destroyed if he found out what he was thinking and feeling. A man like Jonathan Kent would never even see this coming. He wouldn't understand. He'd been disgusted. Ashamed.

 Clark's adrenalin rush was definitely gone now. Only sadness, and an aching feeling of betrayal remained. That, and the helpless knowledge that these thoughts would plague him every single day from now on. He'd crossed the line. He'd made it all real, by writing it down last night. Now he'd have to live with it.

~ ~ ~

 At school he amazed himself with his ability to act completely normal. The painful, sorrowful, scared, excited thoughts that went through his mind were not allowed to be reflected in his face, his actions, or his speech. He was the everyday, somewhat naïve, somewhat teasing, Clark Kent.   The situation he'd been placed in at breakfast was repeated ten fold. Sitting in a classroom, with only the teachers voice to be heard, or in the cafeteria surrounded by a hundred pairs of eyes, hundreds of conversations, he sat there acutely aware of this knowledge, unseen by all except himself. He spent the morning half feeling like laughing, half crying, at this secret he had. 

  None of it was helped by the prospect of seeing Lex tonight. He'd found himself telling Pete that  he couldn't hang out at the Torch after school because he had chores.  Clark didn't know why he lied. It just came out. So simply. So easily. He knew himself well enough after last night to know that the lie wasn't to spare Pete's feelings of jealousy over Lex. No, he realised that every part of him was primed towards one goal – to betray nothing of the strength of his attachment to Lex. Everything had to be played down. He felt like the entire day he had been trying to avoid Lex's name, the Luthor name…a hard task in a town so influenced by LuthorCorp. 

  As he  found himself steering conversations away from anything he might be uncomfortable talking about, as he lied, as he sat there amazed at how much you could hide from those around you, Clark was suddenly struck by a staggering thought.

   How selfish was it to assume it was only him going through this? Not necessarily a confusion over sexuality, but some personal crisis none-the-less? He was walking through the halls slowly, watching the students mill about him, laughing together, flirting, standing by their open lockers, hurrying from one room to the next…Was it too much to hope that many of them were as contented, or even as superficial, as they seemed? What if all of them had things to hide…insecurities, confusion, shameful secrets…?

  He remembered how he and Pete had found Chloe reading a 'Problem Page' in a magazine once, with an amused look on her face. When questioned she had said how totally exaggerated it all was. "The magazines purposely pick the most extreme, atypical stories out there, just for money. I mean, here we have a pregnant fourteen-year-old,  a bulimic cheerleader, a girl who claims to be sleeping with her best friends' father, and  a senior taking drugs to cope with her SATs! I mean, c'mon, I bet the worst problem  95% of kids have is getting their homework assignments in on time."

 A debate had ensued of course, in which Chloe had admitted that there were truly kids out there with problems, but in the end she and Pete had agreed that teen life wasn't quite so dramatic as the media made out. Clark hadn't really made his position clear, as usual, careful to hide his own unique abilities.

 But now, one of those "stereotypical, melodramatic teen crises" had happened to him. And quite frankly, "I think I'm gay" was seen as right up there with the eating disorders, the pregnancy scares and the abusive parents where the magazines, the teen shows, and the gossip chains were concerned. 

 So how many of the faces he passed by were hiding something just as serious, just as gut-wrenching as he now was? If he could hide it, so could they…What if they were all just hiding from each other?

He was shaken by the implications of that question. It somehow made the world seem colder, hopeless, hard. As if that meant behind everything there'd always be misery. He didn't think like that….

 But he suddenly wondered if Lex did.

TBC

[tomorrow hopefully]

R/R

Just a thought – be nice to people. You can never truly  know what's going on in their minds.


	8. Rain Check

**Note on this chapter:-** From now on I'm gonna try and dip into Lex's thoughts more. As requested ;-). And okay, at this point I'm writing far faster than the episodes are coming on TV…so we might take a step away from pesky li'l details like continuity, timing etc. at this point.

_The actions of men are the best interpreters of their thoughts._

_-__John Locke _

  For the rest of the day Clark was filled with a new longing. It was no longer just his excitement, and nervousness, at the prospect of being in Lex's company tonight. It wasn't just eagerness for yet another confirmation of his feelings, of how Lex made him happier than anyone. Now, Clark was truly starting to consider things from Lex's point-of-view.

  How did Lex, truly, feel about him? What did he feel at all? Clark had sensed the vulnerability behind the strong exterior only briefly, but he began to wonder just how much Lex was hiding from the world. Just as he had speculated about the secret concerns of all the students around him, Clark wondered whether perhaps Lex had his own demons. 

  No, he **knew** Lex had his own demons. It was in his eyes, in his secretiveness. Pete had said that Lex couldn't be trusted; that he was just using him; and Clark couldn't turn a deaf ear to all the rumours of secret deals and takeovers by LuthorCorp. Perhaps he couldn't **totally** be sure of all of Lex's business dealings, but he would forever defend Lex's character to Pete, Chloe, and his parents, and anyone else who applied their prejudices against the father to the son.

  It went right back to what he had written last night, about Lex's two faces…the one he put on for his business associates, and even for Chloe and Pete. And then there was the one he wore around Clark…the one that showed concern, the one that seemed to apologise sincerely for mistakes, the one that had shown fear on occasion. 

  Clark was struck by the desire to completely understand Lex, to have him confess his secrets, to show his vulnerabilities to him. Anything that would mean Clark could give him something no-one else could…even if all Lex wanted was a confidante.

~ ~ ~ 

  Clark  had told Lex he'd go home and do his chores quickly before going over to the mansion. Of course, he neglected to mention just how quickly…all of two minutes later he was opening his wardrobe and looking for the item of clothing he knew suited him best. He'd tried on four different combinations before he realised what he was doing. 

 _ I'm actually trying on different outfits. I'm dressing to impress someone, to look attractive. I'm treating this like a date…_

 He gave a lopsided smile, seeing the long trail of denial going back over all the time he'd known Lex. He'd always dressed to impress him, at first just to try and fit into the refined settings of the mansion, but then there was the need for something else.A need for there to be equality in their relationship, the need for Lex to see him as more than some farm-boy playing at hero. A need that had always been there. It'd just taken him a while to figure out why.__

   His outfit chosen, he looked at himself in the mirror, pleased with what he saw. Clark Kent was many things; humble, decent, and pretty much selfless most of the time. But one thing he wasn't, at least in this instance, was blind. He knew how he looked. Perhaps that was why he'd played at having the crush on Lana for so long – without that excuse, it would have looked pretty suspicious when he'd fought off all the hoards of girls swooning over him. 

 Clark found that thought strangely satisfying, and acceptable. He really didn't want girls swooning over him. At all. Ever. 

 "Welcome to the rest of your life Clark. " he muttered to himself.

  Unfortunately  that life was not going to get the start he'd been hoping for all day. As he came down the stairs, his mother yelled over from where she was sorting some laundry,

 "Oh by the way Clark, Lex called and said he had to cancel your plans."

 If Clark ever needed proof of his feelings for Lex, it would be the heavy, debilitating disappointment that filled him at that moment. All he could say was,

 "Oh."

 Martha continued talking casually.

 "I didn't realise you two had plans?"

 Clark managed a vague nod. Realising she still had her back towards him though, he spoke up,

 "Oh, no, it was just a game of pool."

 He tried to hide the self-loathing in his voice.

 "That's all."

 He went back upstairs feeling like a fool; for psyching himself up so much for this, for getting carried away by these new feelings, and most of all, for daring to think that  Lex would be looking forward to this evening as much as he was. Clark felt then the first true bitterness of love, at its false hopes, and self-delusions. 

  Of course Lex blew him off, he probably only invited him round because he wanted something to fill his boredom, and be mildly entertained by his naïve young friend. How could he have thought that he was in any way on top of Lex's list of priorities? Lex was probably  in the middle of some big-money negotiations, buying and selling whole companies, gambling with the jobs of thousands. 

 Or worse. He could be out on a date.

  Thoughts like that could only last so long in someone usually so good-natured as Clark. In the end common sense told him, he might as well get back to reality rather than mope about all evening, filling his diary with bitter, angry reprimands towards himself.

 He decided to go catch up with Chloe and Pete after all. He knew where he stood with them. They were all just friends – no secret attractions there...

  It was still fairly early when Clark arrived at the school, and the extra-curricular activities were still in progress. He stood in the door of the office of the Torch for a few moments, watching his two friends chatting on the other side of the room. Unseen by them at first, he took the time to collect himself and put on a suitably enthusiastic expression.

 "Hey guys!" He eventually called out, striding in as if he'd just got there. The looks of pleasure on Pete and Chloe's faces added guilt to his continuing feelings of disappointment  - he shouldn't  neglect his friends. He shouldn't lie to them. But lie he had, and indeed, was about to:

 "My Dad cut me some slack, and said I could finish up the work later."

 Pete playfully feigned disinterest.

 "Oh, and did you think you could just come and interrupt our hard work? "

 Chloe raised her eyebrows at him, 

 "Excuse me? I believe **I'm** the one who's been doing the work all this time – you've just been messing up my filing system."

 The two guys shared a look of disbelief that Chloe Sullivan's 'system' could be messed up any further than it was.

 "hey, I saw that!" she cried, hitting them both on the arm playfully.

Clark performed the standard wince, rubbing of the arm, and "hey, that hurt!". Everyday of his life. There had always been an act. At least he felt less guilty keeping up the pretence of being human, than, well, the other thing.

  Chloe turned to her computer and began to shut it down. 

 "C'mon, I've had enough of this for one night anyway. How 'bout you two walk me home? Then we can stop for a coffee or something on the way."

 Clark was about to nod his approval when Pete frowned,

 "I though you said you're dad was gonna pick you up?" It wasn't a major problem, but some part of him wanted to spend time with Clark – guy-time. Maybe he could even find some girl to distract his friend from Lana Lang for a night.

But Chloe rolled her eyes as she picked up her shoulder-bag.

 "Oh, I know, but he called and said he had to stay late at the plant. Apparently they even had to call Lex in. And, I tell you, it must have interfered with his entertaining of some billionaire's daughter or something because Dad said he was seriously pissed to be called out this evening."

  Clark was sure that they must have both been able to hear his sharp intake of breath, but that, and the look of immense relief on his face went unnoticed as Pete raised his eyebrow at Chloe,

 "Your Dad said 'pissed' ?"

 She grinned mischievously,

 "I was paraphrasing"

 "You do that a lot." 

  "Now Pete, was that a slight towards my accuracy as a writer?"

 "You're the investigator reporter, you tell me."

The banter continued as Clark followed them out of the office, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from his heart. 

It had been an emergency. Lex hadn't just found something better to do. And he'd been annoyed. Really annoyed if it meant he'd allowed his feelings to break through that cool exterior. 

 Perhaps he'd underestimated Lex's appreciation of him after all.

~ ~ ~

 He remained on that high right up till the next evening, when Lex himself turned up. Clark was in the barn again, looking through his telescope at the world around him – but concentrating on the skyline and the stars rather than, half-heartedly, Lana's bedroom window. He'd seen Lex's car pull up, but he tried to remain casual as he heard his friend's footsteps on the stairs. 

   Continuing to look through the telescope, he noticed a slight pause before Lex announced his presence.

 "Hey Clark." He said. Was there something of relief in his voice? Clark turned away from the window to see Lex standing casually at the top of the stairs. As he felt the smile coming involuntarily to his own face, his pleasure increased at seeing Lex do the same.  

 "Lex." He said, and immediately panicked, wondering whether there was too much pent-up relief in his own voice.

 As Clark's eyes flickered for a second in embarrassment, Lex  realised he was drumming his fingers nervously on the stair-rail, and stopped self-consciously.

 "I'm sorry about last night." He began, with obvious sincerity in his looks. "Something came up at the plant, I had to go sort it out and then it took longer than expected, which is why I didn't call you later…"

  He tried to say it all lightly, as if relating an amusing anecdote, a simple little rant at annoying changes to one's schedule. But he was inwardly amazed at himself for how nervous he felt. He was normally a confidant speaker, but he found himself wondering desperately if any of that had come out wrong, if it had sounded **too** annoyed, **too** apologetic.

   _What is the matter with me _ he thought.

 Clark was shaking his head with a smile.

 "No, it's okay. No big deal."

_No big deal?!_ He screamed at himself. _Why the hell did you say that? God, I hope he doesn't take that the wrong way..._

Lex did appear to hesitate for a second there, but it was just possible he saw Clark cringe at his own words. He seemed to relax then, unable to resist being amused at himself. He was just talking to Clark. _Be yourself. You always are with him…_

  That in itself was certainly something to think about. But later,  much later. Now, he came to the point of his visit;

 "No, I intend to make it up to you. So, I guarantee you at least one game of pool when you come to the party I'm having on Friday night."

 Clark's reaction was exactly what he'd expected. Surprise, disbelief, then that famous Clark Kent grin.

 " '**When**' I come? What, the game of pool is the making-it-up-to-me part, and the big glitzy party…?''

 Lex grinned back.

' ….will be tedious, and full of shallow people which is why I was going to invite you **anyway** if you'd have come last night. "

 Clark swore he must be glowing with happiness and grinning like a maniac.

 "Really? You didn't think that I might not, y'know, fit in?" he asked incredulously. 

Lex took a step towards him laughing.  

 "Clark, I need you there to keep me sane -you'll be the only person there I even remotely care about."

The smile faltered on his face as he realised what he'd said.

 _Oh no, did I go to far? Would he take those words to heart? Is he going to back off and  give me a strange look? Dammit Lex ,why'd you let that slip out…_

   Clark  was in his own turbulent world of thoughts at the words. But unlike the last time when there had been the possibility of hidden meanings, neither of them looked away in confusion or panic. This time, they were both curious, both watching for the other's reaction. This time they both held each other's eyes…and both dared to feel a flutter of hope at what they saw. 

Lex  gave a hesitant smile.

 "Well I, ah, I guess I'll see you Friday then. Eight o'clock?"

 Clark blinked, coming out of his reverie. 

 "Ah, Sure" he said quietly.

Lex nodded in acknowledgement and then backed away, motioning that he'd better take off.

 " I've got a conference call, so.."

Clark pulled himself together and waved away any awkwardness.

 "Oh yeah, sure."

 As Lex was half way down the stairs, Clark leaned over the rail above him.

 "Lex?"

 His friend looked up, perhaps a little too quickly.

"Yeah?"

 "Drive safe." 

They both grinned, sharing their private joke.

 Lex gave an amused shake of the head.

 "'Night Clark." He called as he carried on down the steps, laughing quietly to himself. 

 "'Night Lex." 

 Clark paused only for a minute, before walking back to the telescope to watch Lex drive away, until he was out of sight.

~ ~ ~ 

 As they lay in their separate beds that night, they were haunted by forbidden fantasies, hopes, and dreams of what two nights' time would bring.  Their imaginations were inexplicably on overdrive, believing that the party somehow  offered a chance for **something**, something to break this routine of those Friday night's at the Beanery, the conversations without ever really saying anything.

  When they awoke in the light of the morning they were both shaken as they remembered the images their minds had conjured up. But in spite of that, they both felt a flutter of excitement that neither could conceal from themselves. They both dressed with an involuntary smile on their faces, that morning ; faces filled with thoughtful, dreamy expressions. 

 And on their way out of their rooms, they both caught sight of themselves in a mirror, and shook their heads at their own foolishness. 


	9. Every silver lining has a cloud'

**Note on this chapter:-** okay, at this point I'm writing far faster than the episodes are coming on TV…so we might take a step away from pesky li'l details like continuity, timing etc. at this point. Also, sorry if the chapters are coming  tad slower – I've been dipping into CSI and Discworld fic, not to mention my on-going Buffy fic (S/B –dark and angsty – go read!!)

_One man in his time plays many parts._

_-Shakespeare._

_Don't be pushed by your problems. Be led by your dreams._

_-Anon_

"Looking forward to the regular Friday night 'rendezvous' Clark?"

 Clark's head snapped around in shock at Chloe's voice, as she approached him by his locker.

"What?" he said hastily, his eyes wide with panic.

 Chloe was amused.

 "Woah, no more coffee for you then tonight."

  It slowly dawned on the boy who's heart was pounding in complete abject terror, that she was referring to their after-school sessions at the Beanery, and not his secret meetings with Lex that came after them.

 "Oh. Right." He tried to cover his immense relief. 

"Oh,_right."_ He then repeated with more concern. "About that – I, I'm not gonna make it tonight."

 He noticed Pete standing behind him just as he finished the sentence. He could swear he felt the temperature lower a bit…and a disappointed look on both his friends' faces.

 Pete sighed.

 "Let me guess. Lex Luthor's party, right?"

 Clark's looked surprised, but inwardly that little alarm was going that came whenever he knew he had to underplay Lex's importance to him.

 "Er, how'd you know about that?"

 Chloe gave something of a snort of disbelief.

 "Oh c'mon Clark, everyone knows about it – Lana's aunt's doing the flowers, Megan's mom's doing the catering, and the rest of us are placing bets on how many limo's are gonna drive through town tonight."

  Pete had an unreadable expression on his face.

 "Sounded like it was gonna be glitzy Clark. No offence, but we didn't think you'd get an invite."

 Clark bit his tongue.

  He wanted to yell at them, tell the world that he was not just an object of amusement to Lex, the kid who bought the groceries and who he occasionally liked to impress with all his money. Lex was his best friend, a friend who he'd been in life and death situations with more than once, someone who took an active interest in all Clark's affairs, from matchmaking with Lana, to offering to help his parents through financial crises. Hell, Clark was starting to know Lex's study better than his own bedroom; he spent so much time there. He wanted to tell them what happened at the Beanery every Friday night when they left, how much enjoyment Lex and he got out of their long conversations into the  night. 

  And most of all, he wanted to tell them how he felt. That so strong was his bond with the billionaire's son, that Clark had questioned his sexuality because of it. He'd gone through the worst personal crisis of his life, and was feeling things now that he'd never felt before. 

  But he couldn't tell them any of it. They would carry on looking at him like he was some poor misguided kid, flattered by Lex's interest in him, who was sooner or later going to get used, manipulated, and effectively 'dumped' by this older rich kid who would find something better to spend his time on. 

 And so:

"Yeah, I got an invite", was all he said. 

 Pete shook his head slightly in disbelief.

 "Whatever Clark. " he said, more tired than bitter. "I hope you have fun with all the spoilt kids of Metropolis business tycoons. I've got practice..."

 "Hey Pete, c'mon-" Clark called after his friend as he walked away.

 "Oh leave it Clark." Chloe muttered beside him. "I'll go talk to him."

 As she made to follow him, Clark stopped her a second with a hand on her arm.

 "Chloe, we're – you and me – we're okay aren't we?"

 She smiled back at him, 

 "Of course we are, Clark. And hey, don't feel guilty – you're entitled to have other friends y'know. Just.." she paused, " Just, maybe you better make sure to spend some time with Pete on his birthday next week?"

  Clark felt the guilt wash over him. He'd completely forgotten…the sad look on Chloe's face told him that she suspected as much.

  "Thanks Chloe". He said, grateful for her attempts to mediate, and the reminder. 

 She gave a small smile, and then hurried off to find Pete.

As she walked away among the hoards of students, she took a deep breath. She didn't think Clark had noticed her relief when he said he'd be at Lex's…After all, her first fear had been that Lana had finally asked him out on a date…

~ ~ ~

 Lex had just finished seeing to all the preparations, and was about to go get ready himself, when Hannah informed him that his father was on the phone. The dull bitterness Lex always felt in regards to his father, came upon him, masking something of the strange fear that always accompanied it. Gritting his jaw in annoyance, he left his father waiting for as long as he dared before sauntering into his study, sitting back, and eventually turning on the speakerphone function.

 "Dad." He said, without any warmth whatsoever, but with that forced arrogance in his voice that he hoped made him sound less intimidated than he actually was.

 "Lex." His father sounded impatient, irritated. Good.

 "I don't have much time, so I'll get straight to the point." _God, when did he ever take time for idle chit-chat anyway?_ Lex shrugged aside old feelings of neglect. He wasn't a child anymore.

 "Please do." He replied curtly.

" Victor Rosenburg's daughter is attending your little soiree tonight. Make sure you use the opportunity to find out about his intentions regarding the merger of Rose Industries and that Asian pharmaceutical company."

  Lex shook his head in incredulity and contempt.

 "Oh yes, I had noticed Miss Rosenburg's name had somehow crept onto my guest-list – strange because I don't believe I've ever had the pleasure of meeting her."

 "Well you better have the pleasure of doing so tonight Lex. This should be the one thing even you can't screw up, if you pardon the expression. "

 Lex cringed in disgust at his father's vulgarity. This was the way his father worked, the way he had raised his son. All was fair in take-overs and mergers. Get the information by any means necessary, even if it did mean seducing gullible young girls. Lex couldn't but feel some humiliation at his father's degrading of every part of his existence. Nothing in Lex's personal life was safe. That is, nothing except -

 No, now was not the time to be thinking about Clark. Some senseless paranoia made him hesitate to either think his name when talking to his father, as if the spiteful son of a bitch could somehow see through to his very thoughts. 

 His pause had unfortunately been a show of weakness on his part, and he chided himself for being distracted, as his father continued in a patronising, mocking tone.

  "Come now Lex, we both know that opportunities to get all these spoilt little brats together are scarce. Make sure you gather everything you can from tonight."

 Lex tried to appear relaxed and composed, despite the fact that his father couldn't see him.

  "Well then, speaking as a 'spoilt little brat',  I'd have to say…I can handle my own social events. Now excuse me, my guests will be arriving soon".

  With that, he hung up on his father. That was a bit of a risky move, but he wasn't in the mood. Some part of him would like to yell at his father, and tell him to stop being so damned opportunistic. To stop assuming that Lex couldn't get a group of friends together just to enjoy themselves. But Lex couldn't do that, because he knew it was true. There would be a couple of old acquaintances, and old flames-clones along the Victoria line- at the party.  But everyone would be related to his business somehow or other. Kids he went to school with, who were taking part in their parents' empires just like he was; some who already had their own companies; those who knew what was going on in the business world, all the secret scandals, mergers and take-overs. They were his cocktail-party peers.

  And there wouldn't be a single person there he could say with 100% confidence that he trusted.

 Except Clark.

 He couldn't deny that he let his guard down around that boy; that he found himself showing his emotions to him, his vulnerability, more than to anyone else. Clark made him feel safe, made him feel for a second less cold-hearted than he knew he was generally becoming. It scared him, in fact, how easily he could slip and become someone he regretted later. One day he was disobeying his father's orders to try and save jobs, and the  next he was forcing Amy's family out of their home at a moment's notice, punishing them for their daughter's problems; another time he'd have a whole team of scientists analysing the wreck of his car or be playing with Whitney Fordham's fate, before ignoring all of the meteor rock research just to save the lives of people he'd indirectly endangered with the Nicodemus incident. He felt like there were two sides of him, battling for control – he could almost see the angel and demon hovering behind him; one had the face of his father, and the other… the other had always remained faceless after his mother's death, with no-one in this world to hold him back from temptation other than himself, his conscience. But now, he was beginning to think the angel was growing strong again. And it came in the form of a 16yr-old schoolboy, with eyes like a winter's sky… 

 Sometimes, at any random point of the day, he'd just stop working at his computer, put down the phone, and just sit alone in his study, wondering who the hell he was. More often than not, that was when he went for a drive to the Kent farm, or into town, looking for Clark. He'd tell himself that he only did so half-heartedly, that it was more an excuse to get out of the house than anything else…But there was always such a sweet feeling of relief if he did spot Clark, and just talked to him about nothing for only a few minutes. 

  He'd realised how serious it was getting, when he'd actually started to keep his entire Friday evening's schedule clear, and started having those regular Friday night meetings with Clark. He felt almost like he was going to therapy – those cherished few hours when he actually turned his cell off, and he never told anyone where he went. He vaguely suspected his staff thought he was going to meet a girl, or –more likely- that he was meeting with some shady business acquaintance. Once or twice he'd smiled at the thought that they suspected he was going to meet his dealer, of all things. Now that was something that could add a bit of mystery, a bit of scandal to the gossip tonight.

  Ah. The Party. That itself raised an interesting point. As he was dressing for that evening, Lex couldn't help but think of how he would appear to Clark. He wanted to look good to impress everyone – who didn't? – but at the same time he found himself turning away from the usual sleek, cool style reserved for such guests, towards something softer, approachable. It was then perhaps, that he realised, with a great degree of shock,  that he wasn't intending on picking up a girl tonight. His father had assumed he'd use the opportunity to entice some girl in with his money and fashion, just like he always did at some functions. They couldn't resist the sight of the striking, pale features of Lex Luthor, looking at them with a twinkle in his eyes, and a wry smile over the top of a martini, dressed all in a sharp-cut, dark suit, and silk shirt. He knew he had the looks, the charm, the reputation – he was the 'bad boy' of his set. No woman could resist.

   So it was something of a surprise to him to realise the only thing he'd planned on sneaking away from the party to do, was play pool with Clark. And that in itself felt like some secret clandestine meeting, some private moment of pleasure he could enjoy amongst all the bitchiness, back-stabbing and gossip he knew was inherent with these events.  

  He finally opted for a white V-neck sweater that fitted him closely enough to hint at the body he actually kept in pretty good shape beneath, and softly-cut pants, instead of the usual three-figure fitted Italian suit. Looking at himself in the mirror he couldn't believe how much more relaxed than predatory he looked, casual instead of cutting-edge style, human, not merely another big-shot spoilt rich kid looking for a one-night-stand.

   That was the problem. As much as he wanted to wear this for Clark, as comfortable as he felt, he knew he needed to keep up that bad-boy image to those guests. Whatever this thing was with Clark, it was clouding his judgement.

 Sighing, he exchanged the sweater for a deep blue silk shirt. 

  _C'mon Lex._ He said. _You know this. You know how it works. Appearances are everything to these people._

 Funny, how tonight he didn't include himself as 'these people'. The problem was, that meant he didn't know just what sort of 'people' he was…

   ..this town had done that to him. Clark had done that to him. God, he loved him for that.

Lex's eyes went wide as he stared in horror at himself in the mirror. No, that thought had **not** happened.  What was he thinking? He'd been mentally rambling that was all; stupid, meaningless wonderings. He was just stressed, excited for the party.

 And even if it was true, if he did, well, feel affectionate towards Clark, it had to be just as a friend. It had to be. 

He couldn't allow it to be anything else.

Otherwise he might just give into his emotions, and do something very, very, stupid.

TBC

You read it? Then you review it, baby!


	10. Turmoil and the madding crowd

_"There is no disguise which can hide love for long where it exists, _

_or simulate it where it does not."___

_-La Rochefoucauld_

The fastest boy on earth he might have been, but still Clark Kent had a tendency to run late for things. Of course, tonight he had an excuse in the fact that he couldn't exactly run to the mansion using his super-speed. The risk that someone would see him was too great, and besides, he hadn't wanted to risk getting his clothes dirty by running through the fields.

  It had been difficult containing his excitement all evening, as he'd got ready, and even more difficult hiding his awkwardness when his father had said, grinning;

" Changed your shirt again Clark? Thinking of impressing all those millionaire's daughters with the Kent charm?"

Luckily, a teenager was entitled to be embarrassed by any reference by parents to one's love life. Still, he felt an uneasiness then, not only at allowing them to believe what they wanted to, but at the knowledge that he might never be the son they hoped he would be. 

  Oh, they might stay amused at his crush over Lana for a while, but eventually he knew the talk would come; the one that told him he should move on, and get himself a real girlfriend, that these were the best years of his life, and eventually, there would be his mother's teasing comments about how, after all, she did want a grandchild one day.

  He knew them so well. He treasured their wonderfully considerate, loving and supportive attitude towards him. But in the end, they were parents. At some point Jonathon would start to wonder why he hadn't had to share anecdote's about his own first venturing into dating, why he couldn't embarrass his son with his advice on the eternal mystery that was women.  Then there would be concern. Either that he had some secret sex life he was hiding from them, or that something was wrong with their son.

  The future had always scared Clark, knowing he had some destiny, but unsure as to what it was; knowing that the day would come where he had to leave the protection and support of his parents, and go off into the world keeping the secret of his powers to himself. Now, there was a sickening dread to thoughts about anything more than a couple of months away. It was a dread of disappointing, a dread of rejection, and above all else, a dread of the sickened look on their faces the day they found out the truth.

 It was at times of that dread, with comments like his father had made that night, seeing his anxiousness, that made Clark wish all this was not happening. It was when he found himself silently begging any listening deity to make him normal, to take all these feelings away, to make this somebody else's problem.

  And then he would remember the images of his dreams, and the feeling of peace and comfort that came with them. It was merely the impression of a moment, of two bodies entwined, holding each other and hearing each other breathing; but that impression filled him with an all-consuming yearning whenever it crept into his mind.

 And so he had shaken away his panic, his fear, and had allowed himself to be filled with impossible, illogical hopes of what tonight might bring. The thought of being able to sneak in a casual brush of Lex's hand, to hold his eyes for a fraction of a second longer than usual, to make him smile or laugh the way that no-one else could…all of this made his heart beat faster, and filled him with a secret joy. 

 Martha had driven him there, feeling a mother's pride at how grown-up her son was, and at the wonderful opportunities he was getting in life. Clark also knew that unlike his father,  she would not be insulted when he asked her to drop him off at the gate, rather than driving up to the front door of the castle. Martha appreciated that Clark would have a hard enough time fitting in with these people tonight without her parking the pick-up next to all their limo's, or whatever these rich-kids rode around in. She just prayed that Lex wouldn't neglect him tonight – as uncertain as she was regarding his friendship with her son, she knew it was important to Clark, and she didn't want to see it ruined by a culture clash tonight.

  Clark had walked up to the front door through an array of parked cars. Chloe would be disappointed, as there really were very few limo's there; instead, he passed a couple of young men admiring each other's convertibles, and reeling off all of the stats. Clark laughed silently to himself. In Smallville, a truck was a truck, a pick-up was a pick-up, and – on the outskirts - a tractor was a tractor. You didn't need to know cost, horse-power, the type of engine, or how quickly it could get up to 60mph.

 He followed a couple in front of him, in through the heavy front door, noticing gratefully that he didn't look too out of place yet – the guy was wearing dark, smart/casual clothing as well, leaving all the style and show of money to his date. She had on what was surely an original designer outfit, that must have cost thousands, despite the scarcity of material.  Clark shook away those feelings of guilt, when he considered what his father and Pete would say at his complete lack of reaction to this beauty in front of him. But try as he might, the curves, the low neck-line, the flattering cut of the material – it did nothing for him. The female form just seemed... uninteresting to him. Unfamiliar, something he could look at only in a detached way.

 On entering the house however all thoughts were removed from his mind other than complete shock.

The place had been transformed.

 The castle had always seemed empty, with too high a class to it, in his opinion. He felt like he was in a museum every time he came, always cringing at his footsteps on the wooden floors echoing around him, afraid to touch anything, or wary of tripping over some expensive Persian rug. Lex's study was the only place that even had a semblance of someone living there, that he had seen. He'd generally avoided wandering around the place before, so foreboding was the atmosphere it held; he remembered how guilty he'd felt that night Chloe had been doing her interview and wanted to go sneaking around, and how surprised he'd been when he'd got to see more of the place when Amy's brother had been stalking around. He couldn't believe that Lex actually lived in this place sometimes. It was then that he always felt pity for his friend. This was a place to live, not a home.

  Bu now the lofty rooms were filled with life, and colour, and sound. There were uniformed attendants he'd never seen before waiting to take guests' jackets, and serving drinks and refreshments, while all around there was a mass of bright-eyed beautiful people, in beautiful clothes, laughing and chatting above  the sound of music coming from somewhere.

  Clark suddenly felt so out-of-place he couldn't move. He felt like he'd just invaded some members-only club, waiting for someone to kick him out, though he knew in his heart that he knew this place better than anyone there. He'd spent more time here than any of them – unless there happened to be another Victoria here he didn't know about…

  That was a thought that threw him. Something he hadn't even considered. What if Lex had a date tonight? What if he went around the entire evening with a girl on his arm? What if after that, Clark would have to watch them sneak off upstairs at the end of the evening, and stand here alone among all these people, trying not to think about what they'd be getting up to…

  He felt almost physically sick at his own foolishness. Why hadn't he thought of any of that? Why hadn't he asked Lex, before he'd agreed to the invitation? 

 And just then, the sea of people before him parted, and he saw Lex standing there, a beautiful blonde leaning in close and talking with a seductive smile on her face.

He could have turned and ran right then. He felt like he'd been punched in the stomach – at least, punched in the stomach by something that could hurt him. He felt sick.

 But there was no chance of escape, for barely a second later, Lex looked up quickly in his direction, as if sensing his presence.

 "Clark!" he called clearly, motioning for his friend to come join them.  Lex ignored the confused look on his companion's face at his purposeful interruption to their little tête-à-tête, but quickly put on her most welcoming smile, as Lex introduced them:

 "Ella Rosenberg, I'd like to present my good friend Clark Kent."

 He watched as Clark took Ella's offered hand, with a strange look on his face. In fact, Clark didn't seem too keen to even meet his eyes at all. A little phased by the unusual behaviour of is normally good-natured friend, Lex somehow felt the need to clarify Ella's position..

 "Funnily enough Clark I was making Miss Rosenberg's acquaintance myself, just a minute ago." He said in the amused sounding, silky smooth voice he reserved for everyone except Clark. It was the voice of the suave, sophisticated host, in control, and looking forward to an evening of socialising.

 Clark seemed to regain a small amount of his usual enthusiasm at that, and gave his goofy Clark Kent grin, even if there was a hint of something …'off', in his voice.

 "Well then, you're one popular girl."

 She laughed a seemingly open and friendly laugh.

 "I guess I am. I, ah, was just telling Lex here that my father's in the same business as him."

 Lex felt a conflict building within him then. He half felt annoyance that he should have let Clark interrupt him when he was close to getting some information, and he half felt relief that Clark had arrived to stop her from draping herself all over-

-wait, what was he thinking again? 

  He should be feeling very pleased with himself at having caught this girl's eyes so easy in the evening. If he played this right she would be like putty in his hands; she'd give him the information innocently, and then allow herself to be swept away by her wealthy, seductive host and be flattered into sharing his bed tonight.

 So _why the fuck _did he find his eyes being increasingly drawn to Clark's well-fitted sweater -suggesting a hellishly-toned body underneath – instead of to the low-cut neckline of the girl beside him,  looking up at him with fascinated green eyes…

  Dammit, he couldn't just stand here between them, listening to Ella babble on about all the people she'd met here, while Clark merely nodded politely having no idea who she was talking about. Wasn't this why he'd invited Clark after all – as an escape from the mindless chatter that bored him so much at these function he was obliged to hold, as part of  the elite Metropolitan set?

 "- and you see that girl in the blue Versace? I nearly died when I realised who that was she'd come with – that's the Mayor's **nephew**. And after that crisis over her father's company's shares last quarter-"

 He knew this. He knew all of it. And it bored him so much. 

As good as he was at what he did, as successfully as he countered all his rival's moves, and negotiated his way around his father's interference, Lex couldn't honestly say he enjoyed his job. He'd been taught to see business as a battle. And whereas wars were, sure enough, exciting, intense, constantly changing, constantly setting you new challenges; in the end, very few twenty-four-year-old men wanted to spend all their waking hours fighting a battle. Especially one he felt he'd merely inherited from his father.

 It was incessant. The rules kept on changing, new developments were made, but for Lex, it was his whole life. His family was non-existent. Lionel Luthor was both his boss, and his enemy, but never a father. The women, like Victoria, like Ella, were all just pawns in more games of big-money companies. There were but two things in his life that were pure and uncorrupted, that he could trust, and most importantly, truly find happiness in ; the memory of his mother, and this dark-haired school-boy with his compassionate strength, under his mild, graceful appearance.

 Now, Lex couldn't even consider himself as something to trust, to depend upon. Because he felt so damn screwed up at the moment, full of anger for allowing himself to feel some of the things he was feeling, and at the same time angry at the world for telling him that he **should** be angry, should be in denial...should be unhappy.

  Well screw the world, his father, and these people. He was practically still a kid. He was allowed twenty minutes with his best and only friend.

"I'm sorry Ella, but you've reminded me that there's something important I must discuss with Clark." He gave her that fake smile, and spoke in that way that seemed so polite and civil, but left no room for denial. 

Ella paused for a second before saying, "Oh of course. I understand". She hoped she sounded knowing and mature, figuring that this Clark Kent must be a close business acquaintance of Lex's.

 That had been one thing Lex hadn't worried about ; anyone wondering why a school-kid had been invited. Clark Kent did **not** look sixteen. That was really the problem, wasn't it…

 Lex screamed inwardly at himself for allowing thoughts like that to creep up on him, and with that smile on his face, he took Clark by the arm, and led him away towards his study.

TBC

R/R – I mean it. glare


	11. Breaking Point

**Spoilers: **A coupla moments from 'Nicodemus', and 'Jitters'

**In response to the first reviews to this chapter:** yes, this was a tad more rushed than other chapters: it's a mixture of the fact that I'm at that point where I should **really** be doing important exam-type study now, and the fact that I've had the layout of this chapter in my head since the beginning, but by the time I actually got to it I kinda had to adjust it because I've taken a slightly different route than intended.

  Correction re:ages…the wonderful info at Smallville fanfiction resources say that at the time of the pilot Clark is 15, and Lex 21, and tho' the setting of this story is a tad ambiguous, I'm gonna work from that. Apologies if my correction here leads to any discrepancies later on. This story is getting v.long y'know – it takes ages to check through it for mistakes.****

  So, chapter 11. 11's my favourite number y'know. See why…

_The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing_

_called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it,_

_you will discover that for you the world is transformed."__   
__-J. Krishnamurti_

  Clark watched in surprise, fear, and nervousness as Lex shut and locked the door behind them, and leaned back against it for a second, shutting his eyes.

 "Lex what is it?"

Lex laughed bitterly.

 "I'm sorry Clark. I'm not quite feeling myself tonight." He looked at this boy, the cause of all his problems standing uncertainly in the middle of the room. He tried to keep his expression normal, and made his way over to his drinks cabinet.

 "Drink, Clark?"

Clark frowned at Lex's strange mood.

 "No, thanks, you know I can't."

But Lex was already downing a small glass of something expensive and potent.

 "No, of course you can't." he found himself letting out a bitter laugh, and at that moment he hated himself for acting up in front of his friend, hated himself for this sudden anger that had come across him; and anger which he was allowing past his normally controlled exterior.

  So, half-hating himself, and half not caring, he made his way to a sofa and flung himself down.

 "Lex what's wrong with you? Why'd you tear out of there so fast?" Clark's voice was full of concern, as he came and sat next to him.

 "I just…needed a break, Clark. That's all."

And that should have been it. He should have stopped there, pulled himself together, smiled the Luthor smile, and laughed it all away. They should have returned to the party; he would have continued mingling with the guests, no doubt countering some bitter comments and accusations, while dealing out a few of his own, while he went around charming everyone else.

 But he just couldn't bring himself to get up and open that door. It was mostly quiet in here, save for the dull hum of conversation from the party and his own tired breathing. It was still, it was private, and he didn't have a hundred faces to search through; guests to impress, battle or seduce. He could just sit here on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. So relieved to have found this momentary escape, he began talking to Clark in a way he always said he wouldn't.

  There had been close calls of course; he had talked about his mother when Clark had found him looking for her watch; Club Zero had let him know just how vulnerable he was, and the secrets he hid. And that time after they were held hostage at the plant, watching Clark hug his parents with nothing but  love, while his own father embraced him coldly, full of nothing but annoyance and hatred – after that, he'd wanted to scream out, to let Clark know how damn lucky he was, to ask he why he got a home with loving parents while he got nothing but contempt. 

  In their Friday night meetings, he had come close again. When Clark had opened up to him, telling him how he felt about his birth parents, Lex had nearly reciprocated. He'd been so close to confessing his own family problems, his own loneliness.

  But he was Lex Luthor. He was in control. He was someone to be wary of, someone to idolise perhaps, or according to most people someone to be suspicious of; but never pitied. Never looked at with compassion, with understanding. Never loved.

 Something had snapped tonight though. Tonight he'd felt himself crumbling, felt the face he put on was transparent, and worried that all would see who he was. So he'd run away. A Luthor never ran away. He was tired of being a Luthor thought.

 He took a deep breath and kept staring up at the ceiling.

 "I think I hate my life." He said calmly, matter-of-factly.

 He turned and looked at Clark, the poor boy's brow wrinkled in confusion, his face full of concern.

 "Is that what you wanted to hear Clark?" he said, his eyebrows raised. "Because there you have it. Welcome to Lex Luthor's mind." He knew his voice sounded mocking, drunk with self-loathing.

 He peered down into the glass in his hand, still with a drop of liquid left.

 "You should feel privileged." He continued, before taking another drink.

 Clark couldn't quite believe what he was hearing. Was this the anger, the sadness that he had always suspected existed in Lex? Was he finally letting him in, showing him his hurt, his vulnerability?

 "Why do you hate your life Lex?" he asked quietly.

The earnest approach probably hadn't been what Lex was expecting, as a wave of something…that same gratitude Clark\k had seen that night at the Beanery, came over Lex's face.

 He stared back at Clark with incomprehension.

 "Why do you care Clark?"

 It wasn't a hostile reply, it was a quiet question, full of a need to know the answer.

Clark avoided those eyes, searching his own for answers.

 "I don't know." 

 Lex gave a small amazed smile.

 "You're lying." he said quietly.

  Clark's eyes darted up quickly, enough for Lex to feel a knot in his stomach form at the panic he saw in them. _Oh God, was I right? Could he feel…was it not just wishful thinking?_ He started to ask again,

 "Clar-"

"You're avoiding the question" Clark interrupted, successfully re-directing Lex's thoughts. He was on the offensive now.

 "Why do you hate your life Lex? You've got so much…"

Lex shook his head at his young friend's view of the world.

 "Not to go all clichéd on you Clark, but money really isn't everything. It's certainly _something_, but it's not everything." 

  He wanted to tell Clark all his thoughts now. He wanted to say how he hated fighting these goddammed battles, how he hated his father for being such a son-of-a-bitch, for never loving him. He wanted to tell Clark how he missed his mother, how he had done since he was a kid. He wanted to tell Clark what he never had; that he was his only true friend in the world. He was the only person who cared about him, and Lex hated himself for all the times he let his suspicious nature get the best of him, for all the times he'd lied. 

 But as much as he wanted to, he couldn't go that far. He smiled that fake smile at Clark.

 "My life's not as wonderfully successful and independent as you might think Clark. Its difficult, it's trying and even I lose out sometimes."

"Is that happening tonight somehow?" Clark ventured.

Lex deliberated for a moment or two before answering.

 "Yes. There are things I'm meant to do tonight. Things…that I always do. It's how it works."

 Clark watched him as he spoke quietly, almost musing to himself.

 "I'm sorry, I don't understand." he said eventually.

Lex laughed to himself and looked around in a dry kind of amusement.

 "No, you couldn't understand Clark. You're lucky. You've got your perfect little life on your farm, with your little entourage of friends, and your schoolboy crushes on cheerleaders."

  He knew he was becoming cruel now; he was treating Clark with the condescending attitude that he had felt for a little while, in the early beginnings of their friendship, but which he was ashamed to voice now. He regretted his words the minute they'd left his mouth, and he inwardly cringed at his own self-destructive behaviour, as the only friend he had looked away from him with hurt and anger in his eyes.

   Clark got up, hands in pockets.

 "Clark-" Lex began, his tone coming out to his great dismay as more annoyed than regretful.

" No, you know what Lex? Don't pretend to know me, or know the problems I have in my life!Don't you think that I'm hurting too? That there might be things that **I** want and can't have? You think I never feel screwed up too? I-" 

 He stopped himself from saying anything else in his anger and his hurt. Was this the way Lex really saw him? He really was just a naïve little school kid to him, wasn't he? He shook his head in rage and contempt and turned to leave, fighting away the stinging of his eyes and the lump in his throat.

 Lex meanwhile sat in shock. He'd seen something in Clark then he'd only ever had glimpses of before. It was a rage, a complexity, a hidden well of passion that amazed him; he remembered seeing it in the Nicodemus incident when Clark had grabbed his arm with surprising force in the street, and demanded answers from him with a darkness behind his eyes; then later when he'd advanced on him in this very room, telling him their friendship was over, in his pretence for Pete's benefit. It had scared him then, this other side to Clark Kent. But it had also entranced him, and thrilled him.

  At that moment Lex could put his finger on that final piece of the puzzle; that elusive quality that had torn him up so much inside; it was that part of Clark, beyond the friendship, the concern, and of course, the body, that had made him cry inside with confusion; it was this secret hot passion inside Clark that he'd seen before, and fallen victim too.

 It was the thing about him he knew he loved with a love aching, undeniable, lusting and stronger than anything he'd ever felt in his life before. He needed it. He needed him.

Clark was halfway to the door when he felt Lex's strong grip on his arm, turning him around.

 Before he even had a chance to respond, he felt the sweet hot taste of Lex's lips on his own.

TBC

swinging a watch before your eyes

"You will review…you will review…."


	12. PART 3 Escape 1

_but I being poor have only my dreams;_

_ I have spread my dreams under your feet ;_

_Tread softly because you tread on my dreams_

 - w.b yeats

 Clark's surprise left him stunned for a second – in which time Lex felt his brief flash of courage failing as he pressed his own mouth to his.

 But then Clark was returning the kiss with that heated passion his angry tirade had already brought to the surface, and his hands were behind Lex's neck pulling him closer. Their minds were both blinded by their senses, drowning in this sudden wonderful realm they'd entered into; the line they'd never let their friendship cross into; a world of touch and heat, and the sweet violence of their kisses. For Clark found himself losing control, as he pushed Lex back against the wall with a strength that Lex found irresistible. It was a confirmation of his suspicions that there was so much more to Clark Kent, and it left absolutely no doubt of Clark's returning the vast amounts of passion he himself had kept hidden and denied inside him for all these months.

  It was a moment of breathless, uncontrolled pleasure.

 But it was the very perfection of it all that led to its end. Nothing was ever perfect for Lex. He couldn't be given so great a gift, such a sweet instance of release, and not pay the price. 

 His eyes flashed open and he was pushing Clark back, untangling himself from his embrace, and stumbling away with a desperately whispered "No."

  He walked away from Clark, his back to him, desperately trying to regain focus. Attempting to slow his panicked breathing, he held his head in his hands as he weakly came to lean against his desk. He felt such rage then. Such angry panic. He couldn't allow himself to do this. He had to stay in control. This was a kid for Christ's sake, a boy…and all Lex's upbringing, all his father's whisperings in his ear told him what he'd done was sick. Perverse. It was a temptation he'd given into, but must never have again.

 Clark's eyes were wide with confusion, and fear at the removal of Lex's touch.

 '"No,please Lex-" he spoke hastily, desperate, the pleading clear, "I **know** you want this; I want it too." Seeing this thing he'd scarcely dared hope for right within his grasp, he couldn't let this moment slip away from him. He couldn't let his dream shatter.

  But Lex wouldn't meet his eyes, speaking only in a strained, hard voice;

 "I…Clark I don't know what got into me then but ..it has to stop now. I'm sorry." He took a breath trying not to let the choking sound of regret into his words "I'm sorry I did that but…it's not going to happen. Ever. I was stupid to think it could."

 Clark was just staring at him in disbelief, watching how this man he had come to know so well; who had started to let him in tonight, started to share all that he was, now avoided his eyes and spoke to him with the coldness the rest of the world saw in him.

"I have to get back to my guests." Lex said hastily, and began to make his way back towards the door, refusing to raise his eyes to Clark's as he passed, and even when he was stopped by Clark's firm grip on his arm.

 "Lex, please!" Clark cried incredulously, the pain evident on his face, hardly believing that the most perfect moment of his life had descended into this sickening humiliation and hostility,

 "Please don't run away from this." He begged, pleading with all his soul in a way he had never done before in his life, "I'm scared too, I'm-I'm not sure what happens now, where we go from here, but…whatever it is, I want it. Please you can't walk away from me like this. "

  Lex heard his words and his heart tore. Why did he have to beg?

 "I-" He struggled for the words, and found they would not come. "Maybe you ought to go home Clark. Let's just-"

  …_forget about it? As if they could. He'd just kissed Clark. He'd just fucking **kissed**  his best friend. And on the other side of that door were a hundred people all tied to his father, all hating him, fearing him, holding a cool respect for him. If they, if his father, were to find out he was groping about with a schoolboy behind closed doors… _

Lex felt his stomach lurch_. _ He spoke harshly now, unable to contain his emotion.

 "It was a mistake."

 And with that he was out of the door.

~ ~ ~

  He assumed Clark left pretty soon after that. He didn't see him for the rest of the night, as he mingled amongst the party guests for as long as could, but he knew he wasn't acting himself. He couldn't seem to pay attention to what anyone was saying, or feign any kind of interest in it.  One observant old acquaintance even pulled him aside and muttered that whatever he was on, he should pull himself together before anyone noticed.

  Not even bothering to deny the implication, Lex welcomed the excuse to escape these people he loathed.

He headed straight for his room. Once there he had tried to calm down, he'd gone and splashed water on his face, and he'd sat down on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands, savouring the silence, but hating the sound of Clark's confused desperate entreaties that came with it, whirling around in his mind.

 And then there came wild, crazed, shameful thoughts. Thoughts of silencing Clark, moving away, erasing what had happened from living memory, denying that any of this had ever existed. Thoughts of charging back down through his guests and going to Clark, taking him then and there wherever he might be. Thoughts of drinking himself into a stupor. Thoughts of breaking the glass, using it to let the blood flow from his wrists, laughing at his father and showing him how weak he was, telling him of all the things he'd done, all his secret desires.

  All the thoughts came and went in an instant, each one tightening the vice round his mind, preventing him from ignoring it all, letting it go.

That was when Fate decided to provide him with a distraction. 

~ ~ ~

Feeling neglected, and seeing him sneak away upstairs, Ella had followed, finding him alone in his room, quiet and secluded.  There were sweet, flirting sentiments, asking if he was all right.

'Trouble with your friend?" she had asked, sympathetically, and he had tried so hard to keep his expression under control, trying not to laugh bitterly as he'd muttered something about some "unexpected developments".

 And then she was there, sitting close to him on the bed, the shadows around them, and her soft breaths on his neck wondering if she could make it all better, all go away.

  Words like that couldn't be resisted and Lex seized the opportunity then, for some release, for some way of clearing his head of Clark.

  He was sure that he shocked her with his aggressiveness that night, and he knew that she had been expecting something more personal, something of the charming pretence he usually put on before the empty promises that dissolved in the light of the morning. But Lex wasn't in the mood for caring that night. And he tried so hard not to compare her kisses with Clark's, to regret the lack of strength, of passion in her slender, graceful form. It was all wrong, it was all such a poor substitute for what he could have had, for what had filled his dreams. He was filled with an anger that he couldn't re-create that fire he'd felt with Clark's kisses, couldn't feel that violent hold on him while his fingers trailed through soft black hair, over pale elegant features…

 Instead he was left with but a momentary surrender, a way of escaping his own fears, and his own conscience. Lying awake afterwards, he couldn't help feeling as empty and alone and the girl beside him.

   He could only wonder if Clark would ever forgive him for what he'd said tonight. Whether he could ever make amends for allowing the fear, the doubts, the shadow of what the world would say, stop him from doing what he'd wanted to do so, so badly. 

 He lay there wondering why and when the world had got so utterly screwed up.

 He lay dreading what tomorrow would bring, and wishing he could just curl up and sleep forever, locking the world, his mistakes and his fear away.

TBC

[more CK's POV] 

R/R


	13. Escape 2

The pleasures of the world are deceitful; they promise more than they give. 

_They trouble us in seeking them, they do not satisfy us when possessing them_

_ and they make us despair in losing them._

_-Madame de Lambert_

 Clark had left the mansion with angry tears stinging his eyes, but he wouldn't allow them to fall. He wouldn't give the world the satisfaction of seeing him cry, of seeing his humiliation manifested. 

 He'd made his way slowly, unseeing through the other guests, before stepping out into the cool night air, hearing the door shut behind him, cutting off all the happy voices within. At first he'd been in more shock than anything else, and tried to pay attention only to the sounds of his quick steps on the tarmac as he started his journey back home. But then, he felt the terrible isolation of a Smallville road at night, with nothing but a darkness devoid of streetlights, and the knowledge than on either side of you there was nothing but a vast expanse of fields, the wind through the crops causing haunting whispers. 

   That was when it came, a terrible mixture of anger and self-pity. The anger was directed completely towards himself at first, for his foolish hopes, for reacting so passionately that he'd probably totally freaked Lex out. God, he should have realised that Lex was in a strange mood, and that it wasn't the right time. But then, Lex had been the one to kiss him first…

  He shook his head in bitter confusion. He didn't know what had been going through Lex's mind when he'd kissed him. Clark hadn't even been sure if Lex returned his feelings; in fact, hadn't he so easily questioned even Lex's friendship a few days ago? That surely should have told him how easily he could misinterpret his actions; and Lex, more than anyone else he knew, was very adept at disguising his real feelings.

 But no, he'd prided himself on knowing Lex better than anyone, from being able to see the 'true' Lex when no one else could. It was one of the pillars of the 'special bond' he felt existed. The other of course, had been how happy Lex made him. Lex had made it pretty clear though that there was a limit to the happiness he wanted to give…

  _Goddammit, why does the world always tell us to 'seize the day', and take all the opportunities we have?_ Clark thought bitterly, turning his rage against life as a whole. _It was always there, this motivational crap about living for today; they instil it into us by using our fear, by reminding us of how short life is, and how there might never be a second chance_. After all, wasn't that the standard advice given in all of those 'Problem pages' in Chloe's magazines? "be open, tell them how you feel". What they all neglected to mention of course, was the incredible mortification that can come as a result. 

 Clark had seized the moment, he had kissed Lex back, he had let him know pretty damn clearly, of his attraction, if not his emotions. Mind you, the desperate pleading he had done afterwards must have made that obvious… 

 Clark was undecided whether he wanted to take out all his rage and just destroy something, anything, or whether to just wretch in his humiliation. He'd ruined it. He'd ruined everything, his friendship, any chance of …something else. Lex would never speak to him again, never be able to look at him with anything but disgust for himself. 

  Why hadn't he thought about this? Why hadn't he taken the time to lay some ground rules down for himself? He should have made sure that there was no room for confusion. He should have waited, read Lex's behaviour carefully, while at the same time gradually revealing his own. He would have known then whether he was way off the mark or not, he would have known when the right time was, and should have confessed his feelings to Lex only when he would be certain of a similar response.

  But now what? Lex had kissed him – and for all Clark knew it could have just been a mixture of his unusually bitter mood and drunkenness, for who knows how many drinks Lex had had before he'd arrived, on top of the drink in the study? Maybe Lex had just felt screwed up, maybe he'd wanted to shock Clark, or his father, or just himself. 

  None of that really made any sense, but Clark felt now like he'd never known Lex at all. What if this was how he got sometimes? What if he really was just the bitter, screwed up kid everyone thought he was; just toying around with Clark's emotions for his own amusement, and had just gone a little too far this time?

  Whatever had happened the result was the same. Lex had said it was a mistake. He'd regretted it. God, he hadn't even been able to look him in the eyes, he was so disgusted with him. He probably thought Clark was some mixed up kid looking for some unconventional sexual experience or something. 

  He hated himself. He hated himself for letting this happen so quickly, he hated himself for his reaction, he hated himself for being so confused. He hated his life.

   Wasn't that what Lex had said though? Surely he hadn't misread that; Lex had definitely started talking to Clark, opening up finally after all the months of their friendship….

  He was so confused, full of rage, but by this point he wasn't even sure who or what he was angry with. He was just filled with that horrible awkward feeling that everything was wrong, and there was no way out from here. He had no idea what he was supposed to do with his life after this. 

  Somewhere, he knew now - seeing bitterly all his own stupid misguided mistakes- that all along he'd believed, in the back of his mind, that Lex felt the same way. It was what all his hope was based on, the only reason for those moments when he'd found himself becoming comfortable with what he was, those moments when he'd felt it was a release to confess it all to his diary. It had all felt like some natural progression towards confessing his feelings to Lex, towards having him say the three words he yearned to hear, to be able to share everything with him, to break through the barrier of friendship which kept them apart, and kept him alone.

 Now Clark feared a future of being what he was. Oh of course, he'd always been afraid of what he knew must come eventually; his parents' disappointments, his friends reactions, incomprehension or scorn, whatever would come when somebody eventually learned the truth. But as much as he'd never wanted to think about it, he knew now he'd always had an image in his mind of how it would all end; he imagined it'd be Chloe who found out, as it was she who was always poking her nose into his private affairs; and he'd imagined Lex and him sitting together, smiling at each other in love as they explained it all to her, and told her how happy they were. 

 It was a crazy stupid fantasy, and not one he'd re-played in his head, indulging himself by amending and changing until it was perfect. It was just something his hope had placed in his mind. An image conjured up by that part of you that said "You're scared. But it'll all turn out in the end. It has too." It was the voice that you often heard saying, "You'll look back on this and laugh", or the one that told you bad things happen to other people; your parents'll never get sick, your friends will never do anything stupid to themselves, there'll never be war or misery, and you'll end up happy, with a good job, kids and a mortgage, and die in your sleep in your nineties.

  Clark had lost faith in that voice tonight. He knew now that it lied, it didn't know anything. The world could screw you up sometimes, it could make you feel like this, and nothing could make it better. He told himself to get real, to see the most likely future for him; Lex would never speak to him again. If he were lucky, no one would find out for a while. He'd just keep this secret locked within himself, letting it eat away at him, never being able to tell anyone. He'd have to suffer the pain of having his one dream shattered, while all the time coping with his powers, getting through school, working on this farm in this town for the rest of his life.  He'd  probably never have the courage to act  on his feelings again. He could so easily end up living a lie, or living alone. 

 He wasn't sure he could go on like that, without the possibility of that hope, that dream he'd had.

  Clark Kent was a natural born optimist. He'd always thought that in the end, everything would be fine, because it always had been. Now he was alone, he was ashamed of himself, of what he was, and his humiliation was only equal to his hopelessness.

  One kiss, one single kiss, had taken away the one thing in his world than made him feel alive. 

Clark began to run as fast as he could. He didn't know where he was going, he didn't care who might see him, he just wanted to put all his energy into the movement of his body, and to leave his life behind. It was only in the almost timeless world of his super-speed, that he finally allowed the tears to fall.

 And once he'd started, he found he couldn't stop.

~ ~ ~

 Lex was woken at six am by the sound of the telephone on his bedside table ringing.  Rubbing the sleep away from his eyes, he reached for the receiver atomatically, not yet recalling the party, what he'd done or the terrible things he'd said. 

That is until he heard Martha Kent's anxious voice, asking whether he knew why her son had failed to come home last night.

TBC

_[review…go on  | ]_

_                           |_

V


	14. Waking to a whole new world

**Spoilers: **A coupla moments from 'Nicodemus' and the pilot.

_Now smiling as in scorn_

_Muttering his wayward fancies he would rove,_

_Now drooping, woeful-wan, like one forlorn,_

_ Or crazed with care, or crossed in hopeless love…._

-Thomas Gray._._

  Lex  put down the receiver and lay back in bed, covering his face in his hands. It barely even amazed him any more how easily and quickly he could come up with a lie. Oh, Clark was fine, he'd assured his mother. He'd even laughed with her, explaining how klutzy Clark had mistaken a Long Island ice tea for the regular kind, and had ended up passed out in a spare bedroom. As he'd knowingly hinted that it might not be a good idea to inform his father of the details, he could practically hear Martha warming towards him. And the offer to make sure her son was cleaned up and brought home safely later on in the day went down well. She even apologized to waking him so early, rambling in her embarrassment about how she'd assumed Clark could make his way home safely and had gone to bed, only to find him missing in the morning.

  Lex's stomach had turned at that. After all he'd done last night, after the pain he'd caused Clark, here his mother was on the phone pouring out her thanks for his generosity and compassion for her son. He hated himself for getting so good at manipulating people, making them feel like they were the ones who owed _him_, while he kept any trace of guilt far from his voice, his cold smiles, his calm manner. This was what he had turned into. 

  But he'd realised all this last night hadn't he? The moment his father had called, it had hit him as only the purest truth could, that only one person on this planet thought he was any kind of a decent human being. And that one person had to come in the form of Clark Kent, someone he knew he wouldn't ever be able to show the kind of affection to that he wanted. The world hated him enough, without this; without proof of how weak he could be, how messed up he was…

  Sighing, he rubbed his tired face with his hands before putting them behind his head, staring up at the ceiling. It was so quiet at what was for him this ungodly hour. The house was still, and dark. No morning light shone between the cracks of the curtains, and he guessed it was pretty overcast outside. 

 He felt that was terribly suiting. On dark days like this he could tell himself the powers-that-be didn't expect him to get up and face the world; it was permissible for him to stay here beneath the heavy, soft covers, lying in a half-dreaming state, in the warm indentation of the mattress that his body had created.  There was ultimately a sense that nothing was quite real yet though, and Lex found himself with a vain hope that everything he was recalling was just part of a twisted dream, a nightmare even. With a sudden thought, he looked beside him to see an empty cold space in the bed. 

  He couldn't dredge up the effort to suppose that his encounter with Ella had not happened though. Her absence just meant she'd left while he'd slept, knowing that she couldn't expect soothing words and soft embraces when the harsh light of day came. Yet Lex couldn't bring himself to be grateful for her insight, or her practicality. It just made him feel empty and unwanted. 'No, don't expect Lex Luthor to need you the morning after. He doesn't need anybody. He only wants his conquests…driven by nothing but a desire for success, power, money.' Never love. Never an escape from loneliness.

Suddenly he heard Clark's angry words coming back at him. The words that had made him see how much he really cared, how much he needed him; the words he had forgotten after the kiss, when he'd told Clark to leave…

_  "Don't you think that I'm hurting too? That there might be things that **I** want and can't have? You think I never feel screwed up too?"_

 He'd ignored Clark's pain last night. It had all been about himself, about the things he wanted but shouldn't, about the things he had and hated, about who he was and who he wanted to be.  He hadn't listened to Clark's words as he should have, he hadn't seen how much Clark needed **him**.

  Lex cursed then, at his own selfishness, his own lack of observation. How long had Clark been feeling this, feeling the same way he had? At least Lex had had that one past experience to make him more aware of what he was…he just refused to give into it. But Clark, he must have been so confused…and what was that whole thing with Lana? Had that all been some desperate attempt at denial? After all, Lex thought bitterly, he knew all about that. There had been Ella's in the past, after that first time…though they weren't so desperately needed as last night.

  Oh yes, he knew about denial, about how you felt like you were hiding from yourself, how every time your mind cleared and you felt you'd attained some kind of peace, this  monster of fear and shame crept up and overcame you. It became worse the longer you left it, the longer you clung desperately to whatever argument you used to convince yourself it wasn't true. Then one day, it would surprise you in its ferocity, and you found yourself raging at the unfairness of it all, the unfairness of having to live like this. For Lex, that day had been yesterday.

  Lex knew then why this thing with Clark was tearing him up so much. It wasn't just some forbidden sexual attraction that he had to keep hidden, that made him feel he had to hide from the world, and grasp desperately to his cool demeanour, his control, his  power. No, he truly cared for Clark.  His own heart had torn seeing Clark's face in that hospital, as he'd looked at his father, lying helpless and dying ; he'd seen Clark's anger when he'd demanded answers from him about the accident, and he'd been filled with a guilt and regret he'd never felt before of his mistrust of somebody ; he'd swallowed back the tears of sympathy as Clark had told him of his feelings about his real parents in the Beanery that night.

  But long, long before that, had been that all-consuming horror he'd never felt before, when he had found Clark shaking, alone in the dark, tied cruelly to that cross in the field. His heart had gone out to him then, as he had seen the pleading, the relief, and the shameless gratitude in Clark's eyes when he'd found him and untied him. What Lex had seen then was an incredible strength of character as Clark had tried to hide the pain, both physically and mentally, that he'd suffered that night. He'd seen Clark's vulnerability. But he'd also seen the hope. 

   He loved Clark.

  He couldn't deny it to himself any more. He loved him for his goodness, his innocence, his passion, his strength, his beauty, his friendship, his understanding and most of all, he loved him for making him want to be a better person. He loved him for holding him back from becoming his father, for keeping him human, and giving him back the capacity to feel for someone again, to fill his heart with a  tenderness that he'd lost the day his mother had died.  He loved him for taking away the loneliness.

 But the loneliness was back now. He felt that horrible cold and isolation of knowing no-one he would meet today- or in the days, weeks, months and years ahead – would be pleased to see him. No-one would feel their life was better for having him in it, nobody's eyes would light up when he approached them the way that Clark's did.

  He needed him. And he wanted Clark to need him too. 

 Determinedly he tore back the twisted bed-sheets and got dressed as quickly as he could. Still pulling on a jacket he was racing down the stairs, his footsteps echoing loudly in the dark halls of the sleeping mansion. He did what he'd known he would do the second he'd found himself making up his story to Martha. 

 He was going to find Clark. He didn't know what the future held, he didn't know what he was going to do about their relationship, but he sure as hell couldn't leave Clark alone out there right now.

 He couldn't inflict the self-loathing, the feeling of being un-loved, and the terrible solitude of being alone with only your own confusion, on Clark. The world had inflicted it on him, and he couldn't stand the thought of Clark losing that spark of hope like he had. 

TBC 

_(like really soon…nxt chap's written...just needs 'tweaking'.)_

_Review review review!!_

_ Get this  into triple figures baby!_


	15. Where it all began

**Spoilers: **Pilot .

_And who feels discord now or sorrow;_

Love is the universe today – 

_These are the slaves of dim to-morrow_

Darkening Life's labyrinthine way 

_-P.B. Shelley___

 Finding Clark felt like some pivotal test to Lex. He couldn't help but feel that if Clark was not where he thought he would be, then it was fate's way of telling him that there was no special bond there, there was nothing between them that was worth the danger that would come with confessing his feelings. If Clark wasn't there, in that first spot that came to Lex's mind, then he felt he could somehow find an escape from this, or could justify burying these feelings.  He could just carry on driving around until he found him and then he would give a few sentiments, try and save the friendship if possible, but definitely try and make Clark believe that it was a mistake, that he was confused, and that Lex just didn't reciprocate those feelings.  After all, he'd had a lifetime of making people believe him.

  People like Lex needed to plan out their actions like that. Despite whatever he might say about how he was control of his own destiny, and didn't believe in 'any of that superstitious crap', he used his instincts all the time. Oh, he might call omens 'warning signs', and he might call luck 'careful planning', but in big business Lex had learnt that there were signs to guide you through life, that sometimes you needed to get out of a situation the second it started going slightly wrong, as you could see in your mind the landslide about to come if you carried on following that path.  

  So now, Lex had his test of fate. It was something he could cling to, to use as an excuse for taking the safe path; running away from his feelings, giving up this one chance of happiness that had been given to him, and bidding farewell to his young friend. But at the same time, Lex felt he needed this test more as an excuse to take a leap of faith, to go against his reason, and to do something mindless and foolish, regardless of the consequences. He needed something to justify these actions, because at this point in time, he was tired, so tired, of thinking about all the possibilities, all the pro's and con's; he was tired of battling it out in his mind.

  He was going to let fate decide. And he knew in his heart what decision he wanted it to make.

   He'd raced along the roads barely keeping to the speed limit, but considering his destination he wasn't about to tempt fate a second time. He'd pulled his convertible up to the barrier on the bridge, and had started scanning the area the minute he was out of the car.

 At first he hadn't seen anything but the endless Kansas sky, grey and foreboding, with the wind starting to pick up. The road stretched empty in both directions, and he felt a horrible stab of dread that he'd been mistaken. That he didn't know Clark as well as he'd thought. He wasn't here.

  But then he'd hesitantly approached the edge of the bridge and peered over the barrier, fearful of what it would mean if he wasn't  there, and even more so, what it would mean if he was. He felt his heart race at what he saw. Of course, he should have known Clark would be in that particular spot. After all, it wasn't like they'd actually met on the bridge; that was just where the impact had been.

  Lex  made his way down the bank carefully, slowly, watching Clark just sitting there on the riverside, staring out at the water, hugging his knees against the cool breeze.   Lex knew he must have seen him drive up, but he didn't turn around. He just stayed staring out at the grey waves that he'd once plunged into from the bridge above.

 In understanding silence Lex approached slowly, not even sure what he was going to say to him. But as he came nearer, he got his first close up view of Clark.  

 His clothes were a mess, streaked with dirt, grass stains, scratched and torn like he'd been running through woods all night. His hair was untidy, loose strands hanging over his eyes, making them seem darker than they were. His face and hands however hadn't got a scratch on them, just a fine layer of dust and dirt, that long dried tears had cut streaks through on his cheeks. He just looked pale and tired, staring out at the water.

 "Jesus Clark." Lex found himself whispering, as he quickly removed his jacket and knelt down beside him on the grass. He placed the jacket tenderly around Clark's shoulders; barely noticing how he kept his hand on Clark's shoulder, in the familiar touch which he'd always graced this boy with.

 "God you must be freezing. Have you been out here all night?"

 He felt that pang of love inside him again; the compassion, and the overwhelming guilt of what he'd done.

 Clark didn't meet his eyes though; he just carried on staring forward.

 "I …I couldn't go home." He said eventually. " I needed to think."

 Lex swallowed hard. God how had he let Clark walk out last night alone? He must have felt so screwed up…but Lex'd thought, just like Martha had on the phone earlier, that nothing bad could ever happen to Clark. He was the one who helped out everyone else, he was the one who always came out of situations unhurt and smiling. 

 "Clark…" He started hesitantly, before sighing, and then, with a gentle hand under Clark's chin, pulling that beautiful face round to look at him. There was surprise in Clark's eyes as so tender an action.

 "Clark, I'm sorry." Lex said. His eyes were unsteady, pleading, and his voice was full of regret and feeling, not the evenness and earnestness of his standard practised apologies. Clark felt the hope fighting the bitterness inside of him, as he asked with a broken voice;

 "Sorry for what Lex? Are you pitying me for getting everything so wrong? For being such a poor confused kid?"

  Lex eyes shifted, uncertain what to say, where to go from here. He saw the choices ahead of him and he didn't know where to turn. He tried to explain his actions, to try and offer a reason for why he let everything get so out of hand so quickly,

"Last night…. the party, my father's call…something threw me. I panicked, and I lashed out…in more ways than one."

 Clark felt his heart in his throat as the fear overcame him. _He's going to say it was a mistake again. He's going to apologise, tell me how screwed up he is, then he's going to suggest it 'might not be such a good idea for me to go round any more'. He'll say he doesn't want me to get the wrong impression. Hell, he'll probably provide me with a shrink, free of charge, so long as he's rid of me…_

"You think it was a mistake." He said. It wasn't a question. He watched Lex bitterly, full of that anger that had been simmering within him all night. Lex stared back, frowning, as if trying to read him, while at the same time fighting the indecision in his own mind.

 After an achingly long beat, Lex shook his head very slightly.

  " I can't lie to you Clark. I hate lying to you." He said, his features heavy with the emotion that filled such simple words.

 "I can lie to myself but…" he sighed, and looked away across the water clasping his hands together in his lap in resignation.

"…You deserve better". He finished, half to himself. __

  Then Lex's look came back down to the riverbank, and Clark's eyes followed.

  This was the spot where they'd first met. Where their lives had become inexplicably entwined by a simple twist of fate. It was here that Clark had first beheld the form of this pale, bald young man in all his helplessness. It was from that moment that Clark would fail to be deceived by the front Lex put on for the rest of the world. He would never be intimidated by his wealth, his power. He would never let the rumours, and the distrust of his father, of Pete and of others in the town cloud his view of him; because Clark had seen  Lex in a way no-one else had. And he had given him life. He had seen the lost look on his face as he had come to, and he had seen Lex staring up at him with a look of complete need and trust.

   As for Lex, this was the spot where destiny had had given him a second chance. It'd made him look at his life and see how little he had achieved in terms of love, feeling, of truly making a difference to someone. It had made him more acutely aware of how empty his life was, how little joy he actually took from it. And it had given him a starting point, a guide back to his heart. A guide in the form of anxious blue eyes looking down on him, strong arms helping him up, sweet lips breathing life back into his. Fate had given him a friend. 

 And now it had given him love.

 Their eyes came up to meet each other's, and they felt the aching joy of companionship, out here all alone, with the world far away, and the wind now bringing a chill, the grey sky hiding the sun.

 "All my life. " Lex began, "I've had to be in control. I had no one. But I was in control. And then you came."

 He could feel the tears burning in his eyes, and saw the pain and hope in Clark's.

 "You have no idea what you mean to me Clark."

 Clark ignored the tears running down his cheeks as he looked pleadingly at Lex, baring his soul before him.

 "Show me", he whispered.

 Slowly, hardly daring to breathe, Clark reached up his hand to Lex's cheek, and then he watched as Lex gave in, sighing with contentment as he mirrored his action, pulling him closer.

 The kiss this time was tender, soft, and the sweet taste was mixed with the salt of their tears of joy and fear. There was no rush, no desperate release of long-denied angst and passion…this time there was only honesty, helplessness, and the love of tentative beginnings.

TBC 


	16. Confessions

**Spoilers: **vague refs to 'zero .

_"Life is not meant to be easy, my child;_

_ but take courage - it can be delightful."_

_-George Bernard Shaw_

  They are people in this world who maintain that love is just a notion; a romantic sentiment that we've created for ourselves, an idea that we've got carried away with, influenced by poetry, books, film, love-songs. They think it's just an elaboration on feelings of familiarity and affection, and that desire and lust are the only true qualities of humanity, the real basic biological need.  Part of that is justified of course, as our hormones tend to tell us on a regular basis: but then there is another set of people; those who believe in love, in its power to make the world seem brighter, to fill that place in our hearts that is empty, alone, bitter, or afraid. They believe that it is capable of binding two people together against all odds, against all doubts, and against all resistance, denial, and fear. To these people, a touch is not just a touch; it is an expression of love, a silent vow of need, understanding, and joy.

  They had both been kissed before, and Lex had certainly been held in many an embrace in the past. But that one kiss, alone on that riverbank, when they gave into their hearts, and not –as last time-just their passion, was a kiss was so much more than the physical. It spoke of all that they had been afraid to say, all that they could not express. It forgave all the hurt and pain, all the guilt and cruelty. That kiss told each of them, in a way they had never been told before, that they were not alone.  

  Lex pulled back after a little while, and taking one of Clark's hands in his own, while he kept the other one at the back of Clark's neck, e watched as this boy before him sighed in contentment before opening his eyes.

 "What are we doing?" Lex asked quietly, love in his eyes, but pain on his face.

 Clark squeezed his hand in encouragement.

 "Hey, I'm scared too, but…doesn't this feel _right_?"

 Lex looked away, blinking back tears of helplessness that were burning his eyes. He had no idea what to do here. He'd never loved anyone before, and never had anyone love him back; anyone who looked at him, touched him, or kissed him with so much sincere tenderness than Clark. Oh, there had been plenty of lust, girls who'd been intrigued by him, attracted to his style, his money, his power. None of them had ever attempted to pretend that they cared about him though – even Victoria, before he discovered her betrayal, had never made out that what they had was anything more than a bit of fun.

 And now here he was, at the beginning of something that filled him with more excitement then anything before in his life, and he had absolutely no sense of being in control.

  "Clark, I really don't know how this can work…" It was a confession of fear, rather than a statement of regret, and Clark's heart soared at Lex's ability to share his thoughts with him so openly.

 "Hey. " he said, placing his palm to Lex's pale cheek, " I'm here. We'll work through this together. After all, we've always made a great team."

 Lex looked at him, and seeing that all too familiar teasing grin on his face, he couldn't help but laugh.

"I think this is a bit different from hostage situations at the plant, and kidnappings by old acquaintances Clark."

Clark shrugged, keeping his grin.

 "Oh I don't know- its still you and me against the odds."

 Lex smiled in amusement, but only for an instant. They both saw the future looming ahead. It was filled with the watching, suspicious faces of Lex's father, Clark's parents, his friends, Lex's enemies. Somewhere in amongst all the fear of the reaction of others - whether it be anger, disgust, or triumph at what would be seen as his weakness- Lex also dimly acknowledged a more pressing consequence of continuing this relationship. Legally, Clark was too young for him. He could get into trouble with the law, especially if all his contacts abandoned him. But he shrugged that thought away. All he'd done was kiss him. He wasn't even sure if he was ready for anything else, let alone if Clark was… this was all very, very new right now. There were just too many questions and concerns racing around in his head.

 "I know we have to keep this secret." Clark said steadily, interrupting his thoughts. He looked up into the young face, those amazing eyes, serious and darkened by the black locks of hair falling across them. Lex saw a maturity there, a great understanding. Still, he felt guilty saying what he had to say;

 "Yes. We do…I'm sorry, but if anyone was to find out what happened last night-" he sighed, rubbing the back of Clark's hands with his thumbs, "- and what's happening now…" he looked up into Clark's eyes, speaking earnestly, "They'd ruin me Clark. I'd be out of here in an instant. I wouldn't be able to protect you, or protect your family from the rumours, from the press…they'd invade your lives, they'd want to find out everything they could…"

 Clark felt that panic strike him - the one that always came when he thought of what would happen if anyone found out where he really came from. It was always too frightening too think about. Very little had scared him throughout his life, but he'd always had nightmares about that; nightmares of being taken from his parents, locked away in a cage like an animal…

 He shook that fear away. He had two secrets now – and this new one was the one at most risk.

 "You don't have to explain Lex." His face fell in sadness, "Just the thought of my parents' faces if they knew any of the feelings I've been having for you..."

 Lex exhaled slowly as he put himself in Clark's position.

 "I guess I'm probably the person they'd least like their son to have a sordid affair with."

 Clark looked up at him quickly.

 "Hey, don't talk like that! Don't listen to all the ignorant idiots around us…what we have isn't sleazy, twisted, or wrong. I-" he paused, recalling all those sickening comments from those guys in the back of his English class, all the crude insults they hurled at any kid who wasn't so good at sports, or who couldn't get a date, and how it had all fuelled the denial he'd felt for so long. 

"-I thought it was wrong once. I mean, I wouldn't have judged anyone else, but…I felt ashamed at what **I** felt, the urges I had…It took me a long time to get past that."

 Lex was looking at him in amazement.

 " I had no idea you were going through any of this."

 Clark smiled, dismissing any guilt that Lex might be feeling. 

"I hid it well." He said. "I'm good at keeping secrets." His smile faltered somewhat at that, but he didn't have the strength to think about that particular issue yet…Another thought came to him instead,

 "Weren't you going through the same thing though? I mean, you haven't-". he stopped abruptly, and he felt his heart lurch. How could he have been so foolish? He'd just assumed Lex was in the same position as him because of Victoria,  Ella, and the stories he'd heard…but if Club Zero had taught him anything, it was that there was a lot he didn't know about Lex's past. He'd hinted that it was wild, but he'd never wanted to talk about it…maybe this was why. Watching Lex's eyes cast down momentarily, Clark's face went red with embarrassment.

 "Oh…I didn't…I mean-"

"Clark, its not what you think." Lex interrupted gently. Was this it? Was this the moment he spoke of that shameful secret for the first time? Unlike Clark, Lex had never written his struggles down in a diary. He'd never managed to clearly think it all through – as such, he spoke uncertainly, hesitantly.

 "I've always felt…different, but…well, I **am**. No-one ever looked at me like I was normal, Clark, not ever. And what with being the son of Lionel Luthor, let's just say I didn't have a lot of healthy relationships. I just acted as I was expected to act, by my Father, and later, when I rebelled somewhat, by my peers..." he sighed, looking back over the waves. " I know how clichéd this sounds, but I guess I always knew the truth. But the only time anything ever happened was when I was-" he glanced wryly at Clark, "lets just say I was under the influence of something other than alcohol. I told myself that…it happened because I was out of it, I wasn't thinking straight. But to be honest…it was because I lost control; I lost the ability to ignore what I felt. I got that back later though. I had this thing buried for a long time. Until you came along."

  Clark was unsure of how to feel...at first he couldn't help but feel a little intimidated by all this; but Lex's words soothed him, taking away any feelings of inadequacy.

 "Clark, I didn't know what it was about you, but I-" he looked away self-consciously, yet half amused with himself, "I just couldn't keep myself away from you."

 He shook his head at his own struggles.

 "I  was constantly worrying whether I was spending too much time with you, wondering  if anyone noticed me staring, or even if I kept a hand on your shoulder for longer than I should have." He turned back to Clark with a somewhat embarrassed smile.

 "And let me tell you Clark, I am _not_ a natural worrier. I don't think anyone in the world made me so unsure of myself as you have these past months."

  Something in Lex's mind flashed up then, whispering that that wasn't true, there was someone else who made him feel weak and vulnerable…but he pushed it away hurriedly. Now was not the time.

Clark was smiling widely in his happiness and relief. He'd been right all along…Lex did feel the same, he hadn't just been spending so much time with him out of boredom or a desire for amusement. All this time, Lex he'd been hiding his attraction for him. He meant something to him.

 "Lex", he said softly.

Lex looked up to meet his eyes, only to find Clark's lips on his again. After a few moments Clark pulled back and whispered so that Lex could feel his warm breath on his neck.

 "You don't have to worry about any of that, ever again."

TBC

R/R

_Please note; back to studying tomorrowgroan so I can't guarantee the sort of 'every other day' updates you've been getting so far. I'll try my best tho'._


	17. Now you know

**Spoilers: **vague refs to Zero, Nicodemus, Jitters, shimmer.

_"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."   
__-Confucious._

The feelings of shame, humiliation and loathing for a world that had taught him to hope, had kept Clark awake all those hours. If you are unable to find a peace within yourself, then sleep can never be yours, and so he had ran all night until he could run no more, before coming to this place and watching the grey light of dawn appear.

 But then Lex had found him. He had offered him hope, Clark had bared his soul, let his secret out and had found that exquisite understanding that comes from the love of another person. It was only now that the heavy weight of fatigue came over him, and that helpless frustration of tiredness appeared in his darkened eyes, and hot tears.

 Lex's supporting arms helped to drag him up from the ground, and holding him close, they began to take the first steps away towards whatever lay ahead.

 "C'mon Clark, I'll get you home..."Lex said quietly.

 Clark turned his pale face to Lex's.

 "Do you mean yours or mine?" he asked.

 Lex gave a small sad smile.

 " I did promise your mom I'd get you home."

Clark didn't reply, but his eyes spoke of his panic. It would be a lie to say he hadn't thought of his parents when he'd been out all night. But at that point, after Lex's cold rejection of him, nothing had seemed to matter anymore. He just hadn't been able to bring himself to care. Now though, he felt a heavy pang of guilt for any worry his parents must have gone through.

 Fortunately, Lex quickly related the phone conversation to Clark, assuring him that his mom hadn't been quite at the point of calling the police or anything. He saw a flash of something in Clark's eyes at that, a sort of  _"Of course, I should have realised.."_ He wondered at that, just as he had wondered at Martha's assumption that her 16-year old son would have made it home from the mansion safe last night. Of course this was Clark they were talking about…he had that mysterious maturity to him sometimes, that look about him as if he had lived a lifetime of cares already, and had carried the weight of the world on his shoulders on a daily basis… But still, they were the most caring parents he'd ever seen. He'd thought they'd be a tad more protective of their only son…

 "I don't know how we're going to explain your clothes though." Lex suddenly wondered out loud, and not without feeling that terrible remorse for what he'd put him through.

 But Clark just looked around blankly before giving a strangely secretive smile.

 "I'll just tell them I ran home."

Lex stared at him in disbelief, but whatever questions he'd had were melted away by the tired look of amusement on Clark's face. Whether Clark was just joking or not, it was clear that for some reason, he didn't think it would be a problem…like his parents were used to him charging about the countryside or something. Either way, the look on his face told Lex this wasn't the time to be interrogating him, or to start on that long road of making up cover stories that he knew lay before them. 

  As they reached the car though, Lex's thoughts turned to the more immediate reality before him. This was all very strange; it was strange in its familiarity; just him and Clark about to go for a drive, he'd take his friend home, watch him go in to see his parents, then he'd sigh, turn his car around, and head back to the grown-up world, of his phone, e-mail and finance reports.

 But everything was new now. Not completely different, just with a strange new edge to it. Instead of walking by Clark side by side, he had his arm around him, the physical contact now nothing but comfort rather than some taboo, something to be wary of and avoid at all costs. Instead of talking confidently, with that suave air he couldn't normally resist even around Clark, he let his concern shine through, his voice as gentle and expressive as he had allowed it to become only on the rarest of occasions.

 And instead of a happy grinning teenager beside him, there was an exhausted young man, dark circles under his eyes, clothes torn and dirty, but his eyes more earnest and truthful than Lex had ever seen them before.

 _Look what you've done to him_,a voice inside him whispered.

Lex opened the passenger door, and watched as Clark paused before getting in. He turned those blue-grey eyes towards him over the top of the car door, and held Lex's gaze for a silent moment, giving a smile of purest contentment. Then, as Clark turned and collapsed into his seat with a grateful sigh, Lex closed the door behind him.

 Walking around to the driver's side, he watched as the colours of the world brightened around him. Pausing with his hand on the hood of the car, he turned to face the sun breaking through the clouds. Sometimes nature has an incredible power over us, offering us a new perspective, and a sudden awareness of just how trivial our lives are in the grand scheme of things.

 Lex closed his eyes, and felt the pure warmth of forgotten sunlight on his face.

 Inwardly, he turned to that cynical doubting voice in his mind, the one to which he had given the face of his father.

 _ You don't control me._ Lex said. _I'm not going to listen to you any more._

 Sighing, he opened his eyes, blinking away the glowing spots in front of his eyes, and slowly continued walking round to the driver's side.

   Easing himself down into his seat, he found Clark staring back at him.

 "What were you looking at?" he asked quietly.

 There was a beat before Lex averted his eyes with a smile, and started up the engine.

 "Nothing. Just looks like summer's here."

As he took the car out of 'park' and slowly started to drive away, Lex missed the sudden rigid look on Clark's face. He missed how Clark swallowed hard, and tried to force feelings of foreboding away.

~ ~ ~ 

  The drive was slow, and silent. It was more the silence of two people engaged in the same thoughts though, than the awkward tension of an unfamiliar situation. 

 Sometimes there are just too many worries and fears, like enemies at the gates whose cries mean you could never for a minute forget they're there. But what you can do is curl up in bed, or turn on the TV, or just watch the road rush by as you drive along… whatever you choose, its your way of saying to those cries, "Not right now." You can deal with everything else later; you don't know how, you don't know when, you don't even want to think about how you'll ever dredge up enough courage to face up to it all. You just sure as hell don't fell like thinking about it now.

  Lex and Clark, tired and emotionally drained, sat in this frame of mind for a long time. It wasn't even eight o'clock in the morning and they already felt like they'd had their struggles for the day. Perhaps even the struggle of a lifetime. They'd come to an understanding…it might not have been clearly explained in words, they might not have had a logical discussion about what this relationship was going to be, and how they were going to deal with it all…but they'd said all they needed to for one day. 

 They'd told each other everything with a touch, with a kiss, and a look, that had needed such immense courage and faith to express them.  To have risked it all, to have given in to a fragile shining hope, was enough to prove their feelings, and to have bonded them together as only two people who've gone through the same struggles can.

 They both knew what had happened, and they both felt that terrified joy that came with having achieved your heart's desire, only to find that this was only the beginning. 

 Lex had always wondered at that. The stories of heroic ancient deeds, the fairy tales, the comic books; they had always ended with the hero saving the day, winning the prize, ore finding his love. But did they ever say what happened after the 'happily ever after'- did they ever show you the next few hours, days or months of uncertainty? Lex found himself disappointed now at their deception; they had taught him that once you reached your goal that was it. He'd never had any lessons on what to do after it all - how to keep hold of the happiness, when the world was against you; when your own judgement told you how easily this could all go so wrong.

  As he drove Lex felt an aching twisted feeling inside him. It was a desperate kind of gratitude that Clark was there to help him through this; that he wasn't going to turn to him for all the answers. He'd seen that look of mature understanding in Clark's eyes, and Clark had never been able to hide his concern and sympathy for him in the past when he'd shown his weaknesses. Sometimes he thought that Clark, more than anyone on this earth, knew just how much effort went into this act of control sometimes.

 There was fear as well of course with that thought. It was a fear of putting your life, your heart, in someone else's hands. But as Lex glanced over at the pensive-looking boy beside him, he couldn't help but recall how often Clark had been there to stop him falling; literally, and figuratively. Level three, Club Zero, when Pete had come to attack him, and when he'd been bound up by Amy's brother…and that first fateful crash. Clark was always there, not only saving him, but actually bothering to stick around, to see him afterwards and check to see how he was. He'd always showed he cared.

 This boy beside him, his best friend…he was his saviour. Lex had never really felt indebted to anyone like he felt towards Clark. That was a strange feeling, and it should have unnerved him more. But he couldn't bring himself to feel threatened by him. For Lex Luthor, that was the surest sign of love.

TBC 

Please R/R


	18. Brink

_"The human heart has hidden treasures,_
    
    _In secret kept, in silence sealed;­_
    
    _The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures,_

_Whose charms were broken if revealed."_

_-Charlotte Bronte_

When they reached the Kent farm, that was when reality seemed to come crashing back down again. That was when Clark seemed to come out of his reverie, and blinking looked around them, shocked out how quickly they seemed to have got here.

It was suddenly far, far too quiet without the rush of the road going by, and the hum of the engine. The timing didn't help. Clark felt so beat that this should have been the end of the day. It should be late at night, so that he could smile nervously, wish Lex 'sweet dreams' and tentatively lean in for a good night kiss. Then he could go in and crash into bed, allowing his thoughts to whirl around for a while without being disturbed, before sleep overcame him.

  But no, it was Saturday morning. His parents would probably want to sit and talk to him about the party over breakfast, and then he'd have the rest of the day ahead of him. Life does that… the day-to-day reality of living doesn't cater for our TV-induced view of the world. The dramatic scenes don't fade to black accompanied by appropriately reflective music in the background, only for time to go by in a heartbeat, and the next scene to play out.  No, this was one of the in-between times. The bits you have to put up with and struggle through, like your last class of a Friday afternoon. There was no rule-book to help you with times like this.

 So Clark wasn't particularly looking forward to getting out of that car, and going back to his life as if nothing had changed. He couldn't even bring himself to open the door. He couldn't say goodbye.

 Glancing at Lex he knew he felt like he did. Sitting here together, as yet unseen by his parents, it still felt like they were in that same private bubble they'd been in since Lex had found him. They hadn't seen a single other human being yet, and they could almost believe they were the only people in the world. If Clark left now, that world would shatter, and neither one could hide their fear that the other might not let the moment be recreated. They could have second thoughts, they could realise that this wasn't what they wanted – that it wasn't worth the risk of bringing their lives crashing down around them…

  It was Lex, who broke the moment. His gaze dropped from looking straight ahead, down to his hands resting on the wheel, his nervousness betrayed by his flickering focus.

 "Clark, this…this isn't going to disappear now, is it?" He asked, his voice heavy with tension and the awkwardness that was now creeping in.

  When there was no immediate response he eventually turned to his passenger with fear in his eyes. Clark's own gaze was downcast now, and his face was set hard. He looked up with something of courage, and something of desperation in his eyes.

"Not if we don't let it." He said determinedly.

 They shared a look for a beat, before Lex's look softened further, and he relaxed his grip on the wheel.

 "Thanks Clark." It was a simple response, but his voice was thick with relief, and gratitude.

 And it was all they could really handle right now. 

The mood seemed to shift then, with their silent understanding, and Clark gave a nervous smile as he looked up at the house through the window.

 "This is weird."

 Lex gave a 'no kidding' kind of look.

 "Well, I can't say that I envy you having to go in there."

 Clark turned back to him with a playful smile.

 "Oh, way to be supportive Lex!"

 They laughed lightly at the surreal-ness of it all, and the friendship between hem seemed to rush in and take away all the looming unknown of the future.

 Lex gave a mild shrug.

 "Sorry, but you know what I mean." He suddenly found himself placing his hand over Clark's as if it was the most natural thing in the world, as he spoke with unveiled concern and tenderness.

 "Seriously though, are you going to be okay with this?"

Clark sighed, as he squeezed Lex's hand back in gratitude.

 "You mean with lying to my parents and trying to act normal?" The 'or' was unspoken but clear in his eyes. _Or do you mean **this**, us, whatever this crazy thing is that's happened between us, this thing we couldn't leave buried…?_

 Lex smiled.

 "With everything."

Clark smiled back and nodded.

 "I can't say I'm not scared, but…this is good. This feels good." He smiled wider at his own inadequacy expressing how he felt. He gave a small embarrassed shrug. "It feels right y'know?"

Lex looked surprised at how steadily he found himself answering.

 "Yeah. I do."

 Their gazes both came down to their joined hands. That background hum of excitement, of expectation appeared, and their eyes came up to meet, inadvertently flickering down to waiting lips…

 But they knew they couldn't. Not here…the chance of Clark's parents spotting them was too high, and they were still both at that point where they had to be absolutely sure, and totally comfortable…that needed a privacy they didn't have here.

" You'll come to dinner tonight right?" Lex asked hurriedly, trying not to let his longing, his panic, enter his voice. But Clark's gaze was fixed on his lips even as he spoke, and there was not a second before his response.

 "When?"

 "Seven?"

"I'll be there."

And with that Clark tore his eyes away and was out of the car without another look back. They both knew why, they'd both felt that same uncontrollable recklessness building within them, and knew it wasn't safe.

 It scared Clark. This was all so new, he was so happy and yet so terrified, and this -what he'd felt back there – it had opened up a whole other world of worry. This was all happening too fast to comprehend.

~ ~ ~ ~ 

 After hearing Lex's car pull back out onto the road, Clark finally opened the back door.  It should have been such a familiar action, something he'd done his whole life; and that only made him feel all the more anxious. For now, everything seemed different…he had something more than this now. He'd tasted excitement, he felt so wired- despite his physical exhaustion- with all his racing thoughts of what the future was to bring; yet he couldn't allow any of it to show. He couldn't laugh, he couldn't cry, he couldn't scream at the immensity of what had happened that night, of that step he'd taken which even now, he could recognise the life-long significance of.  That's the thing about the big moments…you felt the importance of them as you lived them. Oh, he could trace all this back to those early wonderings, the meetings at the Beanery, the diary….you can always sit and logically pinpoint the origins of some change in your life, and say that that was the turning point…that was what had led you to where you were. But it was moments like this, when you were reeling at how hard real life had hit you, that you knew would change you forever. That can scare you, shake you up, make you feel out of control, and force you to reassess everything. 

 And if you've never had one of those moments then you can't even begin to imagine the hell of having to hide it while you make small talk with your parents. 

 You hear the excuses, the light vague comments coming out of your mouth, you recognise that you're nodding and smiling in all the right places. But you don't see anything. Its honest to god all a blur, while all the time you feel like everything within you is both tightening up and crumbling away at the same time.

  Clark was forced to sit and eat the pancakes his mom had started making for him the minute he'd walked in the door. He couldn't taste anything without thinking it dull and bland compared to Lex's kisses. He couldn't so much as lower the heavy lids of his eyes for a second without re-playing how Lex had grabbed him and whirled him around last night, and how he in turn had pushed him hard back into the wall in his uncontrolled desire.

 Then he'd have to force his eyes wide open again, and he'd sit in absolute incredulity at his parents ignorance of what was going on in his mind. 

  Terror had given way to amazement, and amazement gave way to a terrible guilty pleasure. They couldn't tell there was anything different. His mom was there light-heartedly arguing with his dad about the grocery list, while their son just sat before them, thinking about how in love he was with Lex Luthor. Just sitting there, smiling in all the right places in the conversation while his mind was filled with memories of another man's kisses, touches, voice, eyes, breath…

  It was all there in his head, he could open his mouth at any second and confess it all…but they remained oblivious, unaware, and unsuspecting.

  This truly was just between him and Lex. It was their secret. He'd thought the idea of the Friday meetings being something just between them was exhilarating. He'd had no idea…

TBC 


	19. Interim

_"Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better."_

_-Albert Camus_

   Clark lay lost in his dreams, as he slept ignorant of the rest of the world's comings and goings. He'd retreated to the barn a little after breakfast, having showered in a daze and mindlessly changed his clothes. He'd sank down onto the couch even as he felt the heavy lids of his eyes give in to exhaustion. He'd been sleeping for hours now, bathed in the light of the sun cascading through the window, and through the cracks between the wooden beams of the barn, filling the whole place with a warmth and peacefulness.

  He'd picked up his diary before he came, knowing that when the energy to confront all his soaring emotions came, he'd need the mean to express it all within his reach. At least this time he'd had the sense to not leave the thing in plain sight.

 Maybe it was the exhaustion form running all night, from sitting out in the cold; maybe it was the disruption of his sleeping patterns with this midday snooze; or perhaps, it was a mixture of that, and all the incredible new things he was feeling…but, either way, Clark had never had such a strange sleep in all his life. 

 The dreams seemed endless, images, sounds, turning in his hours of unconsciousness in a surreal cycle. They were strange, senseless dreams of a tired mind. When he awoke he would have but the vaguest impression of some, but for others, he had a lucid control of them…he not only saw and heard things, but felt the emotions they provoked.

 …._he came  home from school, full of happiness at some elusive news he had, some joy he wanted to share. But his mother and father were already celebrating. Martha  turned to him, smiling, her belly heavy with pregnancy. "Its everything we hoped for" she cried, tears of relief falling down her face…_

_…he was standing in the Talon, but he was behind the counter, serving a crowd of customers, a crowd so full of people, and yet all of them Chloe, Pete, Lana, Whitney. He gave them their orders wordlessly, and they took them away, to sit in around a table in the centre of the otherwise empty room. When he approached them, they were sitting in pairs, Chloe and Pete, and Lana and Whitney, making eyes at each other and laughing. But as he stood there looking down at them, they all looked disapprovingly at their coffees. Blank gazes. And Pete, with a look of annoyance, and incomprehension._

_"This isn't what we ordered Clark." He said slowly._

_And all Clark could do was whisper, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."_

_Faces like stone. Then Lana gave her classic prom-queen smile. "C'mon Clark" She said, warmth in her voice. "You must know that'll never be good enough"…_

_…he was at his locker, every inch of his concentration focused on trying to pull a certain textbook out from under the others. He needed it quickly, he had a class, no, a test, something. But no-one was around, no one was helping. He looked around nervously, before suddenly applying all of his inhuman strength to yanking the book out. He demolished his locker in the process. The noise was too loud, and he heard voices, footsteps approaching. He ran down the corridors and suddenly he was outside, on the road somewhere out amongst the fields. Lex was sitting in his car waiting. "Did you get what you needed?" Lex asked in his relaxed, flirting way._

_ "I don't know." Clark found himself saying._

_  Lex laughed and nodded down at the book in his hands. _

_"Are you sure?"_

_Clark frowned._

_ "This isn't what I wanted."_

_Then Lex was standing beside him, his hand on his shoulder. H e leaned in and whispered conspiratorially._

_ "Don't worry Clark. I won't tell..." Then he smiled. "C'mon, you don't want to miss the show." They turned to see the meteors flaming their way through the night sky, but Clark just smiled at how safe he felt…_

_… he was at school, in a class…but it was being held in the auditorium, because there were so many students – but no-one was working. Everyone was just sitting motionless, staring at their work. Clark looked around him nervously, not understanding. Before him there was only a blank sheet. He turned to Chloe who was sitting at the desk opposite him, and whispered nervously,_

_ "What am I supposed to do?"_

_ Chloe grinned, and leaned towards him with a mock sympathetic look_

_ "Aw, what's the matter Farmboy? Did you lie on the application form?"_

_Clark frowned in confusion, and a hurried mixture of guilt._

_ "What form? I don't know what you mean. Is this some kind of test?"_

_But Chloe only shook her head._

_ "Oh no, this is just your future."_

_ That seemed to satisfy Clark as an answer, and he turned back to the sheet of paper  in front of him.  But now it had writing on it. A single word in his own handwriting._

_' Liar'…_

_…Red, blue and yellow glows through the window from neon signs and streetlights. There were sounds of the city from outside and he turned in the darkness, feeling the sheets of the bed around him. A feeling of relief at the sight of the figure lying next to him. But Lex was staring back at him in a horror Clark  had only seen on Level Three. _

_"It's not you." Lex whispered, terrified…_

_…The office of the Torch, but somehow the far end of it seemed to merge into the seating level of the Beanery. No-one was sitting on the chairs though. But Lana came hurrying up, in her old waitress's uniform, as he worked on the computer, writing an article he couldn't see. Her eyes were bright , eager, happy as she placed a lump of meteor rock triumphantly down onto the desk before him._

_ "Can this hurt you?" she asked excitedly._

_But Clark felt a pang of regret for all her efforts, and spoke consolingly to her._

_ "No, I'm sorry." He gave a supportive smile, as her eyes welled up with tears, "I've kinda moved on now."… _

   Clark blinked his eyes slowly, unsure of how long he'd been awake, unsure of what was real as the impressions of those dreams drifted into his waking mind. Fragments of fragments, and glimpses of larger pictures, lost in his increasing consciousness.

  But then the real memories came sifting through. Sitting outside in Lex's car, resisting the urge to kiss him, the things they had said by the river, the risks he had taken…

Wow. This was reality. A shiver of excitement ran through him, at the same time as he was filled with a fluttering sickness at his disbelief of it all. How could something so wonderful be so complicated? Why did this grasping of his dreams bring with it such dreadful choking fears of discovery, of rejection, of his parents his friends, such guilt of having a secret to hide; a true secret, one that would be considered shameful, disgusting, incomprehensible…

 He'd spent so many months struggling with the prospect that he did in fact want what he had now. There had been all that denial of his feelings, and then even as he began to accept them, the cynic, the realist, the dreamer within him had been in constant conflict as to whether there was a chance that this very situation could even be achieved. And after all of that, after all of the mental anguish, here he was. He'd made it all a reality.

 Lex felt the same way. Lex wanted them to be together.

  Those words sounded so beautiful in his mind, that Clark couldn't but help cry with happiness, his fingers running nervously through his hair, as he lay staring up at the ceiling.

~ ~ ~

There was still half a day before he could be with him again.  With the prospect of all those hours apart Clark allowed himself to acknowledge just how much he missed Lex when he wasn't around. It wasn't exactly that he felt empty. He couldn't say that. He didn't need Lex to be complete – after all, he'd survived all but this last year of his life without him.

 No, he didn't feel empty without him. 

 But he realised that without Lex, he was still only a mere shadow of all that he could be.

 Of course, it had taken him a long, long while to realise it. Maybe it was because all the changes in his life – the discovery of his new powers, and of all the weird stuff happening in Smallville – had started at the same time that he had met Lex. He'd felt the confusion, the excitement and the fear of his life becoming more fulfilled, more worthwhile, and he'd thought it was only due to his new 'adventures'. Perhaps that was true, for the most part. Certainly in the beginning…But then every time he'd been in Lex's presence, every time they had those brief fleeting conversations amidst whatever new meteor-influenced threat was upon them…every time, he'd felt so wired, like his life was just beginning.

   He just hadn't allowed himself for a long time to admit how much his heart was pounding, to admit just how much he grinned at Lex's attention, or how much, and how easily, they shared their thoughts with each other…Being with Lex had made him feel so much more alive. And whenever things got tough, there Lex would be, breezing in with a wry comment, some advice, barely contained expressions of concern, and that ever supportive hand on his shoulder…

 And now – now that they'd found themselves with the same fears, and the same urges, Clark could finally realised just how much Lex could give, no, _had given_ to his life. He'd awoken him from a lonely sleep of getting through the every day routine, of trying to ignore nagging questions at the back of his mind as he sought something more in his 'infatuation' with Lana. Lex had taught him the sweet ecstasy of hope, the pain of forbidden longing, and now, the nervous excitement of awaiting the next time you can see the one you love.

_TBC_


	20. PART 4 Suffer in silence

**Spoilers: **vaguest of refs to some early season one eps.

_Life is not a problem to be solved,_

_but a reality to be experienced._

_-Soren Kierkegaard_

  The day passed, in fact, far quicker than Clark would have liked. After giving him some initial time for 'recovery' his parents had set him to work on his regular chores, which, even though they could be tackled at super-speed, still managed to disturb the many turbulent thoughts racing around in his mind. He would have preferred some more time to write in this diary, to try and sort everything out in his head…but 'real life'called him away. There were chores to be done, deliveries his mother needed help with. Granted, they were mindless tasks, part of the annoying humdrum of his everyday life on the Kent Farm, but it wasn't as if he could allow his mind to wander…

  He knew how careful he had to be now with this new secret – and just as the other one was kept under wraps by using his powers sparingly, the truth about him and Lex could not be betrayed by the blushes, the dreamy smiles, or the painful guilty looks that came with thinking about last night, this morning, and the evening to come.

 He was used to the burden of a deception, but not in his own home. At one point, when they'd all been having an afternoon snack in the kitchen, he'd had to make a hurried excuse to get away, he felt so claustrophobic. It had happened before of course…even before he knew Lex reciprocate his feelings. Just occasionally, he'd suddenly feel out of control, and the whole pressure of hiding, of suppressing his feelings would just become too much.

 And now it was worse. Because the truth was, he was starting to panic. His sleep had finally allowed him to look upon this whole thing with some clarity, and all he could see ahead were lies. To make this work he'd have to lie to his parents, he'd have to live yet another secret life, trying to constantly remember what face he had to wear to his friends, at school, around his parents, and around Lex. A double life had always been bad, but now…

 For the first time in his life, he found himself without a single person to whom he could be completely honest with. And he just saw that situation carrying way ahead into the foreseeable future, a future that had always been so uncertain anyway…

 He was filled with a growing rage, and a growing desperation that things were only going to get more complicated. Why couldn't anything be simple for him? Why had the world decided to not only make him a freak once, but twice over? 

 None of this had been helped by an untimely visit.

 The one spare hour he'd had to try and capture but a tiny part of all that had happened, and all that he was feeling, in his diary, was the hour that Chloe had decided to drop by.

  A mixture of his super-speed, X-ray vision, and the kind of hearing that comes only to the paranoid teenager allowed him to hide his diary and replace it with a magazine before she reached the upper level of the barn.

  "Hey, how's my favourite socialite doing?" Chloe called out playfully before meeting Clark's tired, dark eyes.

 "Woah." She said, taken aback. In all that they'd been through over the past several months, with the fire, her 'ice' stalker, and all the other life-and-death moments Chloe had seen Clark in, he had never truly lost his innocent perfect look of the hero-type. But now, before her, was a tired, on-edge Clark, visibly wired and nervous. She'd never seen him so…restless. Apart from all the times he kept mysteriously running off, the Kents' son was about as dependable-looking and laidback as you could get. But now Clark seemed full of a nervous kind of energy.

  She could see how he tried to hide it. How he forced a carefree smile and called back "Hey" with as normal a sounding voice as he could. But she knew Clark, and every single day she watched him more intensely than he could ever guess, blind an idiot as he was. She saw how his eyes darted nervously, how he subtly tried to avoid meeting her gaze, tried to keep from having to fully face her, by busying himself tidying the junk on the table.

 " So, did you and Pete  had a good time last night?" Clark said, trying desperately to throw attention off himself for a second.

 Chloe's frown stayed on her face for a moment or two as she answered slowly, distractedly.

 "Oh, last night, yeah, we met up with some people." She said steadily, but with a frown on her face as she watched him.

  "Oh, who?" Clark asked, daring to flash her a warm smile.

 Chloe's eyes narrowed.

 "Just, ah, Kim and Todd from History…" she remembered why she'd come. "But, hey, enough about our tedious Friday night drinking coffee - I want to hear all about your evening with the who's who of Metropolis."

 She relaxed down into the sofa next to Clark, who was making a mental effort not to wring his hands nervously.

 _ Of course she'd want to talk about last night…_Clark thought, chastising himself for not preparing for this earlier. S_he's a reporter after all, always looking out for the gossip…but what can I possibly tell her? I was barely there ten minutes..._

 "Yeah, it was…good." he tried to say confidently. Damn, he needed more than that, and he needed to say it with some enthusiasm. He found himself nodding and smiling. "It was a lot of fun."

 Chloe looked surprised.

 "Really? I figured it'd either have been absolutely wild and 'debauched'-" She said with a teasing grin, "or , the more likely scenario, you'd have been bored to tears with stock tips and rich-kid backstabbing."

 Clark kept his smile, and raised his hands helplessly.

 "What can I say? It was a bit of both I guess." Dammit, where'd that come from? He quickly tried to give a sly kind of grin as if to show he was just teasing.  

 She seemed to buy it as she gave an amused little laugh at yet another of Clark's less than helpful comments about anything Lex related. Even from the very beginning he'd never given any intriguing bits of gossip about anything he saw or heard at the mansion, or any of the billionaire's son's wild activities. It was pretty much up to the town to make them up themselves, and it had taken Chloe a long time to figure out why Clark wasn't willing to use his position as Lex's pet project to share the truth about the lifestyles of the rich and famous.  Eventually though, she'd realised. Clark really was that decent. He was that loyal and that good-natured. And that was why she could never convince herself that he wasn't the best guy she had ever known. That was why she couldn't stop herself from loving him.

  She was the one looking away now, trying to keep her composure. Eventually though she turned back to her friend and clasping her hands in her lap she gave a kind smile.

 "So… you want to tell me what really happened?"

 The panic on Clark's face couldn't be hid. Immediately his eyes were avoiding hers, but all the time he was trying to keep that casual smile on his face…

 "What do you mean?"

 Chloe shook her head in disbelief.

 "C'mon Clark, you look really…._weird_ today." He knew this.He knew how it had to work. He gave her a half-questioning, half-offended look.

 She shrugged apologetically.

 "Well, you do...you look, different. Stressed." A thought dawned. "Oh Clark, don't tell me Lex completely abandoned you last night with that crowd…I mean, if he did, I'm sorry, but you know we always warned you-"

Clark interrupted, with more anger than he'd wished.

 "God, no Chloe, it wasn't anything like that!" he stood up suddenly and paced around, trying to calm down , to focus his anger, to try and express himself and his frustration without blurting out something he'd regret.

 "Lex isn't what you think he is." He said eventually, turning towards her with a hard gaze. "He doesn't just see me as some 'amusement', Chloe, though I know you think that. I see it in your eyes. But he's not like that. He's my friend." His expression softened. " I just wish you guys would give him a chance."

 Chloe shook the guilt away from her face. She'd known in her heart that one day this argument had had to come – someone like Lex couldn't just come and start hanging out with Clark without disrupting his relationship with his 'normal' friends. She'd never wanted to be the jealous type, she'd just tried to see this thing as an opportunity to look at another world, to see how people like Lex ticked.  But then she'd started suspecting that Lex was encouraging the normally shy Clark to pursue Lana. After all, before Lex had arrived in their lives, Clark had barely been able to go near the girl without turning into a total klutz…and now? She saw how Lana looked at him sometimes, she saw the guilty curiosity around this suddenly confidant, understanding Clark Kent, saviour of her precious Talon.

 Not to mention Lex's bad influence on Clark. Oh, there hadn't been a sign of it yet, but the way Clark was always defending that guy, someone nobody trusted…She was scared that her friend's innate sense of decency and morality might be tainted  by too many 'words of wisdom' from Lionel Luthor's son.

 " I don't trust him Clark. " She said quietly. "I admit that." She watched as his grit his jaw in frustration, and hurriedly continued in a pleading voice, for the moment forgetting the fact that with all of this, Clark had avoided answering her original question…

 "I'm sorry, I know I really have no grounds for it, and yes, I'm probably just influenced by…by prejudice, and by the Luthor reputation….but there's just something too false about him Clark. It…it just makes me wonder what he's hiding."

 "Well maybe its not your place to wonder Chloe!" He yelled.

 Clark had _never_ raised his voice to her like that. Never.

 _Oh God_, she thought as she sat there stunned. _This is it…this is what I've been afraid of…this is Lex's influence finally breaking through._

 She swallowed back her tears, her anger, and stood up, clinging tightly to the strap of her purse in a clear indication of her readiness to leave.

 "Clark, I know he's rich." She said hoarsely, trying to hide the hurt, the bitterness, "And I'm sure when he arrived in town with, with his flashy cars, his suave 'worldly-wise' attitude, and that damn ego, that you were impressed-"

"Chloe-"

"No, listen!" She begged. "Listen to me Clark…I'm sure that when he started showering you with attention, whatever his true motives were, that you wanted to take the opportunity to escape from this small-town life for a while – I know, because to be quite honest, I cant say I wouldn't have felt the same in your position."

 She advanced a little and looked at Clark with pleading eyes.

 "But as much as I respect you, and…care for you Clark, I can't help but think you're just blinded by the money and the power. I don't think you allow yourself to see the true character of the guy behind it all."

 There, she'd said it. Said what Clark had always suspected deep down that she'd thought, but always told himself she could never say…He'd always told himself that she would think more of him than that, that she wouldn't think him so damned gullible.

The words were out of his own mouth before he could stop them.

 "You really think I'm just some innocent, boring, naïve farmer's son, Chloe?" His voice was full of feeling as he leaned in close and said quietly, "You have no idea who I am anymore."

 And with that he was stalking away, furious at her, at himself, of how he'd taken all his rage at his situation out on her.

~ ~ ~

Chloe was still holding back the tears as she made her way off the Kent farm. Just as she was heading out into the road though, she found herself face to face with Martha, just coming back from some work in the fields. Luckily she was too busy carrying a load of tools in her arms to pay much attention to the young girl's pale face.

 " Oh hi, Chloe, did you catch up with Clark?" Martha asked.

Chloe struggled to keep her voice bright and chirpy, the way everyone expected her to be.

 "Oh yeah Mrs. Kent, though he was looking, ah, a little worse for wear…" God she just wanted to get out of here. She wanted to get away from whatever change Clark had gone through, form all the questions racing around in her head…the most prominent of them: what could possibly have happened in one night?

Martha was smiling.

 "Ah well you didn't see him when he turned up this morning."

It was incredible how such a casual, light-hearted comment could cause such a cold dread to come over Chloe. 

" This…this morning?" she asked quietly.

Martha laughed as she readjusted the load in her hands, propping them up against the fence. She rolled her eyes.

"Oh, apparently Clark's knowledge of cocktails left a little to be desired, and Lex had to put him up for the night in a spare room. Hardly the sort of guest I raised my son to be but…well, he seems to be feeling the effects." She whispered conspiratorially. " Accident or not, I don't think he'll be going after the liquor again."

  All Chloe could do was nod and smile, and eventually give her goodbyes. 

 She took the burden of those words with her on the long walk home. For she knew Clark well…and this last year or so, there'd of course been the odd occasion when they could have got their hands on some alcohol if they wanted…they were teenagers after all. But Clark had never been into it. Not ever. He always mumbled something about wanting to stay in control.

 If Clark had stayed out all night, it wasn't because he'd been drunk.

 Innocent. Naïve. Boring. All the things Clark had basically said he wasn't any more, his voice full of anguish at her view of him.

 There was no way on earth Lex Luthor could look at Clark as an equal. No matter what Clark said, she would always agree with Pete that Lex must just find simple, inexperienced Clark Kent amusing.

Chloe was not naïve. And she was starting to make a career about jumping to conclusions, because in Smallville, those conclusions were usually right.

 She saw it all now, everything coming into place with what appeared to her to be a terrible clarity

 Oh, Lex Luthor had looked after Clark last night all right. He'd probably smirked triumphantly as he hired some slut to make sure his young friend had a _real_ good time.

She wanted to be angry with Lex, with Clark for being such a fool. But all she could do was try to keep the sobs from pouring out as she thought of how Clark could possibly put his Lana infatuation aside for some girl he'd just met, but not give her, his closest friend, a second glance…

TBC 


	21. Safe

 Author's note: hey guys…I'm back. The saga continues. Apologies for the short chapter. But thought you'd appreciate it sooner rather than later. If its been a while since you last read, might want to re-read  chap 16:"confessions" and chap 20:"suffer in silence".

"The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved."

_-Victor Hugo_

Lex had been sitting in his office for the past hour staring into nothingness. Sitting sideways to his desk, his arm resting on its surface, he had sat there , his mind wandering, until he'd gradually become aware that that distant rhythm he could hear was in fact the drumming of his own fingers on the wooden surface. Such a nervous little habit ; he was doing that more and more of late. He'd have to stop; betraying his preoccupation like that wasn't wise. 

 So, instead, he'd raised his arm in order to rest his chin on his knuckles, before dissolving into that pensive state again.

 He would have been annoyed to realise that a few minutes later, a smile was allowed to cross his features.

 Of course, it was the memory of Clark's face, open and honest, his voice clear and soft as ever as he'd told him that he didn't have to worry about anything anymore. Even amongst all the raging thoughts, fears and concerns about what was happening, and what the future might bring,  there were two things so incredible about that moment…two things that kept bringing that look of disbelieving happiness to Lex's  expression. 

 The first was the fact that Lex believed had believed him. The words of a child breathed in his ear, a mere prelude to a kiss. But he had believed him. He had felt so secure…

 Oh, later on he might sigh, or give a faint smile at the poor boy's naivety; thinking that so much uncertainty in a relationship could so easily disappear…that from now on there would be nothing but perfect understanding between them….what a notion. But in that moment...and every time he remembered those words, Lex honestly believed Clark had the ability to take away all his worries and give him permission to stop being scared; to confirm that everything he was feeling was good, nothing to be ashamed of, and totally comprehensible to him.

  Great men and women; politicians, world and religious leaders, people in power all over the world tried to inspire that confidence, to try and appear that genuine. Lex had seen so many try and fail, the world over. But Lex had never met anyone who had what Clark had.

 It was such a goddamned genuineness. A purity, an innocence, and yet a kind of wisdom, and conviction. There was more than persuasion in his words…there was love. Clark Kent was all heart. As corny as he knew that sounded, when Lex really sat and thought about it – as he had many months earlier than this- he had realised that that was an incredibly rare thing in humanity.

   That led on to the second striking quality of the moment, really : the way the boy had looked at him. It had been a look of love. At that instant, sitting by the river, the breeze in their clothes and the grasses around them, there had indeed been complete clarity between them for the first time, if only for a minute. And Lex had sat there, more vulnerable than he had ever let himself be before…and basked in the love and understanding and safety of this boy beside him. 

 This morning he'd found someone on this earth who loved him. Honest to god valued him as a person: the real him…not that damn façade he put on. He was a twenty-one-year old scared kid who felt like an orphan, who was playing at being a cold stylish bastard because that was the role assigned to him. It was the only way he knew how to survive when dealing with most people. Oh, his conscience slipped through occasionally, and he'd find his father mocking him, looking at him as though he were weak for standing up for the plight of the latest batch of workers LuthorCorp was laying off. But he'd never let his guard down so much, as around his one and only friend.

 The friend he'd come to love. 

 The friend who'd just burst in to his study.

 If he had time to reflect later he might have mused over how Clark gave yet another display of being so forceful, so intense and yet so uncertain and shy at the same time.

 The frantic boy strode in, right up to the desk before Lex had barely time to stand, his face flushed and fists clenched…with panic in his eyes. And yet when he came to a stop, standing there, such an uncertainty seemed to come over him…and his eyes shifted around, as if intimidated by his surroundings…and his fingers curled up around the cuffs of his plaid shirt.

 " What's wrong? " Lex heard the words coming out of his mouth, completely by-passing his brain, without any censorship of the tone of concern… 

 And Clark was still standing there, right back with the nervous guest routine. For a second it was like the whole year had not happened, and the Kents' young son had suddenly found himself bursting into a mansion, and striding into a millionaire's office without an invite. Sudden change was a strange thing: you often find yourself unsure of just what's happened, and who you r supposed to be.

 "I…I'm sorry, I shouldn't have just , I mean…you're busy."

 Lex frowned now, as he came around the desk to face him. 

 "What the hell, Clark? You don't have to apologise for seeing me-" The thought of honestly telling him how work didn't seem to matter anymore, how **this** was what had revived the heart within him…it was too much, too soon, and now was not the time. Lex placed a supporting hand on his friend's arm as Clark sighed heavily. 

 "I'm sorry, its just -" he looked up at Lex with a small attempt at a grin, apologetic, and wanting to explain.But Lex finished his sentence for him:

" -this is new. I know". He was watching Clark's eyes, still darkened with exhausted shadows, with close concern. He paused before asking again.

 "What's happened?"

 "Chloe came by a little while ago."

 He said it with such a weight, Lex felt his chest tighten up. He couldn't  have told her. God, please say he hadn't underestimated him…that he hadn't confessed everything to one of  his high school pals in his excitement…that he hadn't told the little journalist-in the-making,  besotted as she was with Clark, and so suspicious of _him_…

 "I didn't tell her." Clark said, as if reading his mind…or the fear in his eyes. 

There wasn't even a trace of annoyance, or defensiveness in his voice. Damn, that boy was too pure-hearted to be true.

 " Then what-?"

" –I  said things…things I shouldn't have.."

He looked guilty now, and his eyes flicked sideways, before he looked back at Lex with such a disbelieving , vulnerable expression… 

 "I kinda yelled at her."

Lex had to stop himself from laughing aloud with relief. With  such sweet, terrible, amusement at this boy's innocence. All of a panic because he thought he'd been mean to a friend.

 It was incredible.

 I t was laughable.

 And it made Lex wonder if he'd ever been that young and uncorrupted. 

 Once maybe…there must have been a few years…a few years of happiness, when he'd felt cared for, if not loved...

 He reached out and placed his other hand on Clark's shoulder, and sighed as he shook his head.

 "Don't worry….whatever it was, I promise she'll forgive you for it."

 "Lex, this was serious…"

 Lex's smile faded as he saw the truth of it in his face.

 Pausing for a second, he squeezed Clark's shoulders in a quick gesture of support before nodding lightly.

 "Tell me everything."

As Clark sighed with relief, and nodded back gratefully, a small part of him remained wistful and saddened by Lex's choice in words. Tell him everything. The whole truth and nothing but. All his worries, and everything he was afraid of. If only he could. 

   He pushed those pangs of self-pity aside as Lex led him to the couch, and instead, he began to relate the entire argument he'd just had with one of his best friends

~ ~ ~

TBC 

**review..review..review..**

**[then go read my Buffy, CSI or Discworld fic… LOL. Shameless promotion.]**

**…and review some more!**


	22. Flaws in the plan

Shameless Promotions: Like it dark and angsty? My dark Buffy fic "someone to want me" is nearing the end guys…go see. | Like it cute and slashy? Check out my soon-to-be-continued CSI Greg/Nick fic. | Like it set on disc-shaped world set on the back of four giant elephants on the back of a turtle flying through space? I've got a my dark shippy Discworld  drama. 

Go. Browse.

Feedback : rules.

_"Le vrai est trop simple, il faut y arriver toujours par le compliqué."_

_-George Sand._

 When Clark had finished his story, the two sat there side by side on the couch in silence for a second. Eventually Lex leaned forward, arms resting on his knees, looking down in thought.

 " I'm sorry  Clark."

 Blue-grey eyes watched him carefully from under black locks. 

 "But?"

 Lex gave a barely perceptible cringe at his own coolness.

 "But…you have to be careful Clark."

He felt the couch shift as Clark leaned forward to and tried an innocent grin.

 "Hey, can I help it if I'm desperate to tell the world how happy I am? How much my life's changed?"

 Lex gave a small smile back, victim as always to the Kent charm, but they both knew this had to be said.

  "I know she's one of your best friends, but you can't tell her about us…You know this can't be a normal relationship."

They both knew what a 'no kidding' kind of comment that was, but before either one made a sarcastic comment, Lex continued.

 " If we're to make this work, it has to be just ..." Lex gestured around at the tranquil room, bathed in the deep glow of the setting sun. The two of them, together, alone, comfortable, honest. " Just **this** Clark. I wish I could offer you more, but we can't risk it : no going to the movies together, no weekend getaways, no phone calls, no dates, no walks in the park, not even knowing smiles across coffee at the Talon or the Beanery. Okay? Outside these walls, we're just… friends."

 God, who'd have thought calling Clark a friend would ever taste so bitter in his mouth? He felt…cruel. Sure, maybe all of that wasn't exactly his idea of a relationship anyway, but he knew it would be Clark's. High school kids, leading their small town lives, wanted the holding of hands, the dates, and the Prom. They wanted…well, the wanted to be like Lana Lang and her quarterback. Normal.

 He'd just told Clark that if he wanted to be with him, he'd have to give up nay hope of all that. 

  Suddenly he realised that as strong as this was between him and Clark, asking that of a teenage Smallville boy might just be too much.

 But Clark's firm " okay" and hand on his, took all his fears away with a grateful sigh.

 A glance at each other and they laughed a little sadly. After a moment Clark gave a small shrug and leant back heavily in his seat, staring up at the high ceiling.

  "I guess I'll tell Chloe I was just tired, that It didn't mean anything by it. I'll still be the same old Lana-besotted Clark..." 

 Lex half-turned to him with a rare emotion, for him, in his eyes : compassion.

 "You really think you'll be able to cope with that?"

 "I'll have to."

   A beat.

 "I hate hiding"

  Clark's voice was soft, a small frown on his face as he sat there lost in his own thoughts. Lex continued to watch him carefully.

 "You won't have to, with me. Not any more..."

The younger boy's eyes darted towards him, out of his reverie just that little too quickly. A sadness in the eyes, while the face smiled with practiced good humour.

"You're right. "

Lex smiled back himself…but he'd seen something there. Not just a sadness in the eyes. A lie….?

Whatever it was, Clark seemed grounded now back in the immediate problems. He sat up, and looked around, thinking.

 "Lex, I  know we had dinner plans but…I should sort this out with Chloe, or-"

 A knowing smile from Lex.

 "-or, you're going to be worrying about it all evening, I know. But if you can't manage dinner tonight, how about staying for…I don't know, just pizza? "

He had never seen Clark Kent grin wider than he was right now.

 "Pizza?"

 Lex couldn't help but smile back.

 "What? I'm rich, so I can't appreciate fast –food? I didn't exactly grow up with a stable home, dinner-at-the-table-at-six-lifestyle Clark. I know the location of every  good Thai, Chinese, and Indian take out, pizza-place and pretzel stand in Metropolis."

  "You really get off on these freaking me out with these revelations don't you?"

  " It has its moments."

 Clark leaned forward with a half teasing half –curious smile.

"So what else are you planning on telling me that no-one else knows about you?"

His look of curiosity  deepened as Lex paused a second, before kissing him lightly. As he pulled away, Clark watched as uncertainty flashed up on  the pale face before him  again, as it had so often the past few days. Lex's hesitant words were barely audible.

 "I'm scared."

 "Of what?"

 "Of just how much I don't want you to leave tonight."

He'd spoken in a small voice, surprised at just what he was letting himself say ; at what truths this boy could draw out of him. And just as Clark too, felt the weight of the statement sinking in, Lex seemed to get a grip on his normally controlled self, and returned to the clear line of thinking he'd been following only minutes before. He continued lightly, brusquely;

"But I guess you have to face your fears huh? "

 "Lex-"

But he was already standing, heading for the phone to order take-out. With the light streaming in through the window he was a mere silhouette to Clark, squinting into the light as he tried to read the expression on Lex's face, in vain. Only his voice resounded out across the room. 

"We'll eat first. But then you have to go, patch things up with Chloe. Friends like that are hard to find Clark. Don't let them slip away."

 All Clark could do was nod, as the expressionless figure turned away, talking into the phone.

 Sitting there suddenly feeling very alone, he cast his gaze around this : Lex's home. His own fortress of solitude.

 And he felt another pang of sadness as he saw the meaning in Lex's quiet words, whispered after a kiss.

 _He thinks I'm going to leave him. He thinks he'll be alone again…and it terrifies him._

   He still couldn't fully understand it. Why, despite what they'd said to each other -not only in the past twenty-four hours, but on all those Friday evenings at the Beanery – Lex could still doubt his commitment to this. To him.

 He was saddened, and confused…because he didn't realised what Lex had seen in his eyes earlier.

 He didn't know what Lex was thinking as his eyes flashed across to the boy sitting on the couch, looking at his surroundings: 

Clark was still hiding something from him.  He still had a secret.

And once again, he had that sickening feeling, that whatever it was, Clark knew it could tear them apart…

TBC

*feedback encourages me to work just that lil' bit faster y'know…EML. *


	23. Friends and Lovers

Author's note: hey guys…I'm back. The saga continues. Sorry for delay, but my time off was shortened by the need to get a job ;-). And a messed up computer. But you don't need to know. Dodge-girl should be thanked for offering to beta-ing…but I was just too damn impatient .

"Truly, to tell lies is not honorable;  
but when the truth entails tremendous ruin,  
To speak dishonorably is pardonable."

**_- Sophocles_**

 Chloe sat at her home computer, her eyes glazed over from staring at the monitor for so long without any decent results. She didn't exactly know what she was looking for, yet again. So often lately she'd been tempted to spend some spare moments on-line, trying to get a handle on Smallville's resident rich-kid.

 Perhaps some part of her was aware this kind of background research was a little too cold for her; that maybe for once she should leave the reporter behind, and act like the friend she should be to Clark. But this afternoon had gotten rid of any last qualms she had about researching Lex's friend. Tonight she wouldn't restrict herself to a guilty fleeting glance at the on-line papers' business sections.

 Now she knew that Clark really was doing what she always feared; moving on. He was growing up, losing that innocence…and with it, he seemed to have lost the need for her. For the role she played; he was the naïve albeit charming country boy, and she was the quirky, sassy reporter-in-the-making from the big city. 

 But now, he had Lex to introduce him to high society…and god, she could only imagine how much a guy like Clark would be amazed and impressed with that kind of lifestyle. The poor guy had spent his entire life here. And, while Smallville certainly had its moments of Weird lately, the vast majority of his life was just working on that farm, going to classes, and – until Lex had come along - hanging around with the same two friends .

 So what did she have to offer him that they didn't? 

 It was that thought that had led to the last three quarters of an hour of wading through search engines and articles. 

  She had to smile sadly through her frustration at one point when she found herself thinking how much quicker the research would go if she had Clark to help her…He was so fantastic at finding things on-line, she often wondered why she so rarely saw him actually on the computer. Once they'd been discussing  a future 'Torch' story vaguely ; she'd left the room for no more than three minutes and there he was, on her return, with the information needed. Just the goofy grin and a faint shrug "I type fast." 

 The memory brought a smile and a shaking of the head at how cute and weird he could be.

 But then she remembered the Clark she'd seen this afternoon, and that sinking feeling came; the one that tells you the end of an era is coming, and that you've known for longer than you'll admit.

 Chloe swallowed hard and sat up straighter in her chair. There it was. What she'd been looking for.

It wasn't so much about Lex now, so of course it wasn't in the business sections. The Daily Planet's weekly column of the latest gossip of the socialites was infamous for telling things like it is. The reporter was anonymous of course, as all the ones who have a tendency to really get under people's skin are.

 The photograph wasn't from the party, but apparently still held much of the Metropolis 'brat pack'. There, caught mid-laughter, standing somewhat nervously among her peers was the girl Clark chose over her. Chloe knew it instantly, just by looking at her. 

 She was a couple of years older, blonde not brunette, better clothes, but still : she was Lana.  She was the Prom Queen. Her manner and style were innocent enough, but this high-school student knew she would be just as aware as Lana of how she looked, and what her affect would be on guys like Clark and Whitney.

  After a beat she scrolled down the page to see in full the article accompanying the picture.

_ " Word has it that the young daughter of  pharmaceutical giant Victor Rosenberg  is entering the elite set of Metropolites entertained by, among others, Lex Luthor : my sources at Lex's little soirée this weekend tell me she received very special attention from the host, and was even seen being introduced to his closest confidantes…we ask just what is the young Ella's involvement with the millionaire's son: business, pleasure, or dare we say, both?"_

  Even alone, with no-one to watch her reaction,  Chloe tried to put on a brave face. She calmly closed down the windows, shut down the computer, and sat there for a second, looking around her quiet room.

 By the time Clark rang the doorbell, she was having to hurriedly brush away the tears.

~ ~ ~

 When he was standing on her familiar doorstep again, he was overcome with a terrible guilt again.  It wasn't just the way he had yelled at her earlier: although that was a damn good part of it. But there was also a good dose of self-loathing flung in there for this simple fact : all this had come because he hadn't kept his cool. He'd brought this on himself.  And still, he kept thinking was that he wanted to be back with Lex. He felt like there was so much to talk about and discuss…

 Not to mention the fact that he was still pretty tired, and putting on another act was always irritating, no matter how much he'd got used to it.

  Out of the corner of his eye he thought he saw a movement in Chloe's upstairs window. Curious, he concentrated and looked again with his X-ray vision… Chloe was standing just away from the window, hand to her mouth as if shocked he was there. Frowning, He watched as she suddenly dashed over to the mirror, fixed her hair and dabbed at her eyes…she'd been crying…

 Oh boy. 

 Guess a quick apology along the 'hey, its me, so I'm a dork, forgive me?'  line wasn't going to cut it. He could really do with some words of wisdom from Lex right now.  

 Suddenly the front door was pulled open, and there was Chloe, a small brave smile, and a supposedly surprised attitude.

" Clark! Well this is…" she seemed to search for a word for a second, before finishing,"Unexpected."

And that's when the tension settled in, heavy and very very unfamiliar.

Unfortunately, Clark found himself falling into his regular routine. Hands in pockets, shoulders in a kind of permanent shrug, and a nervous apologetic smile on his face.

" Yeah, well, my dad always told me not to let the sun set on an argument".

 That was met by raised eyebrows and a glance behind him and the darkened street. He half-turned to follow her gaze, and grinned a little wider.

 "Figure of speech." He offered lamely.

All that got was a patient smile, and sad eyes as Chloe stood there in the doorway, looking up at him.

 His smile faded into a serious look of regret as he got a better sense of the mood she was in. He self-consciously cleared his throat.

 "Okay. So, this morning I..wasn't myself. And I'm sorry for yelling at you. I am."

She was watching him in a way she'd never done before, and it unnerved him a little. While he'd never wanted to ask himself why, he knew that when Chloe looked at him, in her eyes there was always an amusement, or a brightness. He felt like he could do no wrong in her eyes : and told himself that that was what friendship was.  It was knowing someone and caring for them regardless.

 But now this friend was looking at him like a stranger…like she was trying to figure out who he was.

 Then after a second, some warmth seemed to come back into her expression, just a little. She moved out to join him outside, pulling the door to behind her.

 "I know you are Clark." She said. "And I forgive you for…well,whatever that was earlier. Hell, we're all allowed our own little outburst of teen angst now and again." She sure remembered the occasional evening of snapping at her dad a bit after witnessing Clark ogling at Lana , yet again... 

 He watched her carefully, sensing that there was more to come.

 "But, Clark, its not so much how you said it, as what you said."

 "Isn't that normally the other way round?"

  She was wrapping her arms around her now against the night air, and she nervously adjusted her weight from one foot to the other.

 "Its just… you said that I don't know you anymore-"

 "I'm sorry, like I said, I was tired, I wasn't quite my-"

 She held up a hand to stop him. 

 "No, see, that's the problem Clark. I don't want you to stand here and lie to me now…you've never done that."

  She missed the brief shift of the eyes at that, and continued with feeling:

 "I need you to be honest with me. I know something happened at that party. I know that…you got involved with someone, didn't you?"

_There was no way. No way she could know. Be careful what you say…_

 He couldn't hide the 'deer in headlights' look on his face, though.

 "What..ah..I mean, why-?"

Now she was smiling at him in that slightly amused way again. 

 " Oh come on. My sweet and innocent…friend…disappears for a night, and next day he's yelling at me saying I've got no idea who he is anymore?  You honestly think I wouldn't want to know what the hell you were talking about?" 

 He looked around, his nervousness clear, but hopefully his complete panic wasn't obvious.

 But one thing he'd learnt this past year was if you couldn't come up with an explanation for something weird, people would sooner or later supply their own: Chloe was going to say her piece.

"I can't believe this Clark… I mean, God, we all wanted you to get over the Lana-infatuation. You have no idea how much… And there were times I thought that maybe we…" a quick hopeful glance at him and his face registered no understanding. She moved on quickly, covering her disappointment. "But you were that desperate for America's sweetheart huh, Clark?  God, I at least thought you…cared for Lana as a person. But now, I mean, what? You just go for the next substitute hottie presented to you?"

 He tried to suppress his sigh of relief, and instead hurriedly tried to follow her line of thought. What was this about a substitute Lana?

 Chloe was really worked up now, pacing back and forth, and speaking with that same earnestness he'd seen that afternoon. She was confused, and she seemed...so sad...

 "I mean, tell me I'm wrong, Clark- tell me Lex introduced you to "Miss Ella Rosenberg – smiling debutante" weeks, or, or  months ago…tell me you've been dating, getting to know each other in secret,  hell - tell me you're AIM buddies! Just don't tell me **you** had a one night stand with a girl you just met. Please." 

  There were tears in her eyes, and at that moment Clark absolutely hated himself for feeling so relieved.

 "Okay. I won't tell you that."

A lump came to his throat then at the expression on her face. She looked like her world had just been pulled out from under her. And hey, did he know how **that** felt.

 "Ella is…a friend of Lex's. That's all, I swear. I said maybe two words to her. I left before she did-"

She was shaking her head now, completely shell-shocked that he could stand there and lie to her so easily, so convincingly.

 "I talked to your mom Clark." she interjected bitterly. "She said you got home in the morning. Please **don't** lie to me."__

_Dammit. But he was trying to tell the truth..._

 "No, I-"

He tried to stop her and reached for her arm as she ignored him, striding back into the house. The problem with super-strength is it made him so hesitant in emotionally-charged situations: he was so wary of hurting her, that she easily brushed passed him.

 "Chloe!" 

 She half-turned in the doorway, seeing him standing there bathed in the light from her hall.

"I'll see you at school Clark." She called back hoarsely."We …we need to talk about Pete's party.." she pulled herself together, and turned fully towards him.

" But we are not talking about **this**. Ever again."

 With that Clark was shut out in the dark.

TBC – promise!

*feedback rocks my world people *


	24. Risk Factor

Spoilers for this chapter : Small refs to some early/middlish  season 1 eps.

_"I love thee with the passions put to use_

_In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith._

_I love thee with a love I seemed to lose_

_With my lost saints."_

_- E.B.B, Sonnets From the Portuguese_**_._**

 Lex turned to glance at the clock beside him. '2:07am' it declared without feeling, in lurid green.

 So, it was tomorrow at last. And had been for a couple of hours. He hadn't really noticed, he'd been so lost in thought. 

This whole thing of you life changing in 24 hours should have been second nature to him by now: it shouldn't still amaze him as much at it did. He should feel as much shock as he'd showed: the bare minimum.

  The 24 hours which had brought the meteors to this town, all those years ago,  had seen him change from an asthmatic red-headed wimp who disappointed his father, to a semi-conscious bald-headed freak who disappointed his father (some things never changed). The 24 hours which had taken his mother from him, wracked with pain despite the morphine, had changed him too; he'd gone from being a child that was loved by somebody, to a child alone in the world. Oh, it wasn't all as sad as it sounded. He looked at that event in his life as something that gave him strength; taught him self-reliance. He had to really; to look at it as it was - as the last time anyone had ever said 'I love you' to him - that was …something he couldn't really deal with. 

 Ever since he'd moved to Smallville though, momentous days like that had been coming far more often ; and it hadn't escaped his notice that they'd all involved Clark. Every one.

   He'd saved his life (Lex still couldn't bring himself to look as it as' bringing back from the dead' ) by pulling him out of the cold water. He'd somehow saved him when he'd been tied and held captive by Amy's brother – feeling more helpless than he had for a long time. And he'd come and found him at Club Zero. In fact, out of all the times Clark had played the hero, that one got him the most…because what he'd realised from that attack wasn't just how acutely some people in the world really did hate him; it was also that no-one else had cared. There'd been no one to miss him when he'd disappeared, save Clark. 

   But it wasn't just all the unusual little adventures he'd been on lately. It was that first –no- that **second** Friday night at the Beanery. The first had been coincidence…the second had been the start of all this. A start of the Understanding. He knew that for so, so long they'd both struggled to define it, but it had been there since that evening. The one that had said, 'there's something between us. You know it, I know it, and we want to explore it; so we'll keep coming every week. We feel the need to keep it ours, uncorrupted, unchallenged; so we won't tell any one.' It said all of that without words. And that's what made it so spectacular. To keep coming back the same time every week, to see that yet again, the Understanding was shared. After a little while, they hadn't even tried to hide the looks of appreciation they both automatically expressed upon seeing the other there, again, ready to talk.

   And of course, those nights spent talking of nothing and everything, and sometimes of very important somethings indeed, had all led to this Friday. He felt he'd made two major mistakes at that party, giving into his damn selfish teen angst for both of them. One –sleeping with Ella – he regretted. Profoundly. The other mistake had been kissing Clark. Rejecting him, sure, that had felt godawfully cruel - but his mind knew that that had been the sensible , right thing to do. The kiss had been the mistake. That was the thing that would bring consequences, repercussions. Hell, even if he ended it right now, somewhere down the line, maybe a week, maybe 5 years, some journalist would come a-knocking, point a camera in his face, and ask him exactly what was his relationship with Clark Kent, and had he realised he was a minor at the time?

 But that mistake…that was the kind that made life interesting, Lex supposed. Those were the ones that you had to see through, and watched in wonder at the repercussions of doing the thing your head told you not to.

 So, here he was. He was in a relationship with Clark.  Oh, he could say he was at the _start_ of a relationship, or was facing the _possibility_ of one, but the man sitting with his feet up on his glass desk had dismissed all that hours ago. Time, possibly aided by several good stiff drinks, had let him see that he and Clark had been caring for and relying on each other, intrigued by each other, anxious about each other, for months. Aside from expressing those feelings physically, they'd _been_ in a relationship for far, far longer than two or three days.

  The only thing that had changed, that made Lex worry more now than before – aside from the wrath of the media, his father, and Jonathon Kent should they learn of the new level of his and Clark's friendship of course – was how quickly he'd let down his defences. 

 Clark had had him confessing things on several of those Friday nights – things no-one else knew…some feelings for his father, a few feelings and memories about his mother's death…an acknowledgement of just how affected he'd been by Julian's birth and death…But they had only been moments. He'd never let Clark's questioning go too deep, never let the display of emotions go too far… he'd certainly been more open than ever before, but still , he'd been guarded.

 Since he'd realised for sure that Clark loved him this week though; he'd felt free. Tears had come to his eyes, anger had fuelled his yells, and genuine, ecstatic loving smiles had come to his lips.

  Had he really let Clark do this to him? 

 After another hour or so of thought and yet another couple of drinks, he could just about think straight enough to admit something to himself he'd needed to for a long time; and probably would have had to pay far too much to a shrink for.

 He'd been waiting for some excuse to be human. To break down those walls, or whatever it was that he'd put up around him to survive in the cold shark-filled, and above all loveless world he lived in ( "When in Rome…" had pretty much been his motto)

 But here, now, was someone who loved him. Someone who was pure of all that – it wasn't just that he was a school-kid from a small town or anything half so clichéd as that – there _was_ something …heroic about Clark Kent. Not simple; in no way could that boy be called simple…but, open. 90% of the time he was a kid filled with such optimism, and such _values_ as Lex had never encountered before in his life. He was just so selfless. That was something Lex needed to be taught…and needed to experience.

   And that other 10%? That was Clark's 'edge'. That was the final part of his magic...the thing that kept Lex's attention, that told him there was something more to this kid: it was the look in Clark's eyes that showed he knew what it was like to haul around painful issues night and day. To have to hide. That spoke of a hidden fear…and a sadness at a long ago abandonment.

That was understanding.

 That was what made him trust Clark.

 Because not only did Lex think that in this human being he had found the capacity to be understood, and to understand more so than anyone else, to share himself ; .but he also knew that this person wouldn't abuse that. He wouldn't betray Lex, he wouldn't manipulate him, like do many others in the past.

 That was what had made him show his weaknesses…made him _want_ to show his weaknesses for the first time since his mother's death. 

 He was loving somebody again.

And he was loved back.

 He wished he could just give in to that, he wished he could just sigh contently and sleep easy knowing that somewhere out there somebody was counting the hours till he could talk to him again…but something stopped him. Something had kept him up for hours, pacing the mansion, and drumming his fingers on the table beside him as he poured another shot.

 The problem was another one of those all-important life-changing 24 hours.

 It was the day Clark had come back from the hospital with his hurt arm, and told him to stop looking for some hidden truth that wasn't there – on that day he truly abandoned looking at Clark, at least in some way, as a sort of project ; he was still a curiosity to be sure, with his own mysteries…but Lex stopped looking at him in anything like a detached way. Or an exploitable one. After that day, he'd felt like a fool for the suspicions in his mind, the flights of fancy, and he had been grateful to see that Clark could just be his friend. After that day, once he'd started believing there was no big conspiracy or whatever he'd let himself care so much more…He'd let himself trust.

 But now, there was something again. A secret. A secret still being held, and lies being told…some hidden burden that Clark was carrying around inside of him and knew could ruin what they had. Lex knew he was risking his heart here; and he didn't want to be burnt. So his mind couldn't help but go back over the events of the crash, and tens of other little nagging coincidences and heroic actions of this small town boy.

 Because now he was wondering: what if that day…that day Clark had been hurt…what if t_hat_ had been some sort of fluke? What if _that_ had been the inconsistency, anomaly or (and this made his heart sink like stone) a cover-up.

 Take that day he'd seen Clark hurt out of the equation…and there was still a damn big mystery there.

He had felt safe after that day. But now, Lex was torn : torn between ignoring it and giving into this new happiness he'd found…or making sure this wasn't all too good to be true…that Clark could break his heart…and hurt him worse than anyone else he'd ever known. 

TBC 

_(corrections made, Sept 23rd. Continuing this week. Sorry for delay folks)_

**_please_**_ R/R_


	25. PART 5: Sweet surrender

_"Take, if you must, this little bag of dreams,  
Unloose the cord, and they will wrap you round."_

_-- W.B. Yeats_

Fly with me then away from three separate faces shrouded in shadows: one clutching a stuffed animal, a comfort reaching out from her childhood; one, startled from anxious reveries by the sound of his tears falling into the drink held in his lap; one walking slowly through the cool air of the early hours, eyes reflecting the stars above that he gazes at with an awful humility.

 Come instead into a more hopeful scene, over the warm fields of Kansas, through the quiet small town of Smallville, to a school whose sports-fields lie open to the country beyond. The sound of laughing teenagers, accompanied by music from the odd radio or two can be heard enjoying their welcome breaks from their study. Here, in the light of the sun, as they walk about hand in hand with lovers, or sit in huddles on white steps laughing and gossiping, they all seem like what they should be; children. The sense of dread, fear, grief and betrayal that have before now crept up on them at too young an age, appear absent.

 Come with me away from the lunch-crowd, the soccer practice, the impromptu celebration of a Senior's 18th birthday out in the parking lot. Come out to the football field - with no practice today it's empty bar a few stray candy wrappers happily playing with the breeze – and let your eye travel up to the lone figure perched high on the bleachers.

   Clark sits spread out beneath the empty sky, elbows resting on the bench behind, legs stretched out before him. 

His eyes are closed, the sounds of his peers distant in his ears as he faces the wind face-on. Its been building up the past few minutes so that now his jet-black hair is being kept off his eyes, swept back in the breeze.

 For a few moments, if he sits like this, he can have a kind of peace. He can empty his mind. He can forget why he's not in the office of the Torch right now with Chloe; forget the fact that since the weekend she's been perfectly civil, smiling and appearing fine and happy, albeit not as teasing and banter-eager as usual. It's just that she's made it perfectly clear that she's not ready to be alone with him yet. She can't say it, but she needs someone else there...Pete, one of her girlfriends, a hall full of people…anyone whose eyes she can turn to meet, and not see in them a guilt-ridden liar.

 He can forget how yesterday they'd been planning Pete's party at the Talon with Lana. How she'd frowned as Clark's off-hand suggestion for music had been met by a stony silence from Chloe, before she'd turned to Clark with an expression Lana couldn't read' saying quietly how Pete had been very much over that band since their disappointing last album cam out a month back.

 "Oh, I didn't know…" Clark had said with a strange hasty smile.

 Chloe hadn't had to voice her thoughts. _Of course you didn't. You're never around. You're never at Pete's, you never stick around long at the Talon with us. And when you are you seem like you've got something far more important on your mind than what music we're currently into._

 Yes, Lana had sat in confusion among the tension before her. But there'd been no time for questions as they'd moved on with the planning. 

---

Ever had a week, completely routine, that's just flown by? Sure you have. Far too much of life is wasted like that; filled with unmemorable, routine and meaningless hours. But for Clark, the past week had been so full of changes and emotional exhaustion that he quite honestly had to re-count the days in hid mind, it was that hard to accept his and Lex's first kiss had been less than a week ago; that the party wasn't some far distant memory of a more confused time; that that morning by the river wasn't the beginning of something that had been going on forever; that only days ago Chloe had been able to look at him without something akin to bitter disappointment.

  He was a changed person. Life was so thick with complications right now it was unbelievable; but it was a rush. Friday night through to Saturday morning had been a living hell of rejection. Saturday had been a waking dream of relief and adjustment, ending in its final hours with aching pangs of regret, of a friendship lost in a wave of change….sure, he'd had to sacrifice a lot. He was playing so many different roles with Chloe, Pete and Lana (who he'd had to seek out for a little amount of time each day to avoid her or Pete noticing anything _really_ strange in his behaviour); and then there were his parents of course. 

 He'd muttered something about a big project at school to account for his stressed appearance, and his long absences…

…because then there was Lex. Lex, who was worth all this lying, hiding and deception of a level even Clark, the alien boy-wonder, had ever known.

 Quite literally every spare minute he'd had, had been spent with him. After leaving Chloe's he'd gone home and tried to sleep – but to no avail. The house was too quiet and empty, his posters from childhood and aging wallpaper too stifling for him. He'd ventured out into the night to look at the stars, finding himself drawn to the mansion. That's where he'd been while Lex was drowning his sorrows….standing in the grounds, hidden in darkness, staring at a house which appeared quiet and still. He'd left then – some very human part of him finding the time to worry about seeming too obsessive, too clingy, …too likely to scare Lex off at the start of this part of their relationship.

 Come daylight however, he'd realised how that could never be.

 Lex had appeared first thing in the morning, much to Martha's innocent delight, and was set to work consuming some of the pancakes which she always made too much of on a Sunday morning. Clark's dad had always allowed himself this one day of the week to sleep in…a fact that all three were keenly aware of and grateful for, but of course never mentioned aloud.

  As for all Clark's confusion and anxiety from the night before, all it needed was one suggestive smile and raised eyebrow from Lex while Martha's back was turned, for every worry of his to evaporate into nothing, and to give a wide-eyed mock-threatening glare of warning back across the table. 

  Even as skilled at deception as he was Clark still struggled to contain his impatience for this nice little family get-to-together to come to a quick end, and for the two of them just to be alone. Lex seemed to be in a freakily humorous mood however, and was taking great delight in taking as much time as he needed in enjoying his breakfast and flattering the obliging and blushing Mrs. Kent. 

 When they'd finally gotten away from the table, and gone outside – Lex smoothly claiming he'd promised to help Clark shop for Pete's birthday gift – they'd made sure they were out of sight of the house before Clark had grabbed Lex by the shoulder and tugged him into the shadow of the barn, laughing in disbelief.

 "Lex, what the hell has got into you!"

 Lex had adopted a mock-serious face of concern, his twinkling eyes and slight hints of a smile giving his amusement away.

 "What's the matter Clark? Didn't you enjoy your morning surprise?"

 Clark frowned incredulously.

 "Of course I did, I mean…are you okay? You just-"

Lex watched him closely now.

 "What?"

 Clark shrugged lightly, still frowning.

 "Its just…well, I guess I didn't expect you to take such a risk, or, I don't know….I suppose I wasn't expecting to see you again so soon."

 Lex smiled knowingly, looking away for a second as he started to speak.

"Clark, I still believe in being cautious, and in keeping this secret. But….we wasted a long time hiding from this. Far, _far_ too long." 

 He turned back to meet Clark's gaze, standing closer.

 " This is the best thing that's ever happened to me – I'm not ashamed to say that. And I don't care if I seem to be coming on too strong, or too fast, because I swear to God Clark every minute I've _not _been with you these past few days has seemed like the longest, most lonely minute I've ever know."

 And with that he had reached up and pulled Clark into a kiss that sure as hell confirmed everything he'd just said, and then some.

 So that had been the end to any fears about 'taking it slow'. A good percentage of the awkward uncertainty in the early days of a relationship is due only to unfamiliarity. But Lex knew him like no-one else. They knew each other, their moods and tempers, their tones and expressions. All it had needed was one of them to say this equivalent of 'let's just skip all the hesitant crap and admit what we want'.

 Since then they'd spent as much time together as possible without arousing suspicion from those around them. Apart from the traditional- and obligatory -Sunday dinner in the Kent household, all that day had been spent with Lex, riding around the country in his car. After school every day so far this week he'd been round at the mansion, or 'accidently' meeting him in the Beanery.

  They were crazy about each other, sure. Clark had never been more happy in his life, even though a lot of the time they were just doing what they always had – talking, laughing, sharing thoughts and opinions, feelings and memories. But somehow you could always grin wider when some joke was accompanied by teasing laughter and a long kiss.

A few days of seeing the Friday-evening Lex as a permanent feature, which was strangely like watching someone settle into their own skin for the first time, left Clark on a high of expectation and bliss he hadn't known since the first proper development of his powers.

He felt like nothing else mattered – just the hours of wonderful nothingness spent with his best friend…hours which they both desperately tried to fit around work and school, and with great success. And swept away by his own incredible luck, Clark almost forgot he was supposed to be keeping his other secret locked away, even from those he loved.

TBC 

_[yet again I plead guilty to a **hugely** unfair leave of absence. Got a job, got Uni madness, but slowly getting life back on track. Touch wood. (seriously, go touch some wood for me). More soon folks. And hey, I heard that mutter of disbelief, and – well, I can understand. sheepish apologetic grin ]_

_Please to be reviewing!:_


	26. Taking control

_"An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come."   
__-Victor Hugo___

Lex truly had been as happy as he seemed. The past few days he'd felt like the kid he was, instead of the shark-in-a-suit his father had moulded him into. And you have to understand that after so many years in such a role, that was really saying something.

 Monday morning his father had had his assistant call him.

 "Mr Luthor, your father wished to remind you to contact him concerning the, ah, matter you last discussed."

_God, _Lex had thought listening to the wording, and the hint of curiosity in the woman's voice _ How paranoid is this guy he thinks some mole of Rosenberg's could be inside LuthorCorp, listening in?_

 "Mr Luthor?", the trained-to-be-calm-and-courteous voice chirruped down the line.

Lex had glanced around his empty study and found himself wondering what class Clark was in right now….Suddenly smiling and finding himself entirely uninterested in this conversation, he spoke smoothly back.

 "Oh of course…if you'd been kind enough to take down this message we can sort this out right now if you'd like".

 In fact she was sure Mr Luthor, that is, the senior Mr Luthor of course, would be _very_ happy with a quick response indeed.

Lex could hear the relief in her words. Guess the old man was more desperate for this information than he'd let on. 

"Then please tell my father, that I'm very much obliged for his tampering with my guest-list, that I had a wonderful evening with the lady in question, but that I'm afraid the topic of her father's business completely slipped my mind. It really was the strangest thing. In fact, I think it might be better if he took matters such as this into his own hands in future. All this grasping at the proverbial straws is just a tad too degrading for my tastes. In fact, just tell the son-of-a-bitch to do his own dirty work in future. Okay ?"

 A very hesitant and choked-sounding ' yes' was all he needed to hear before he hung up.

He'd sat there for a moment, letting the significance of what he'd just done sink in. It came with an awful feeling of unease. But the thought of his father's face when the poor girl passed on the message was enough to make the new, free, and love-struck Lex Luthor burst out laughing.

 - - -

  He hadn't told any of that to Clark. Ella….was a complication the two of them didn't need right now. Another one was Clark's secret.

 He knew he had one. He knew it from going over in his mind all the past questions and suspicions he'd had ,before the time of Clark's injury at the hands of that freak who'd apparently hurled him on top of a car with inhuman strength….that time when Lex had yielded to common sense, to the pain in Clark's eyes, and to the burning need for one honest friend he could trust in his life.

 But now he was looking out for it again – any hesitancy in Clark's answers, any occasion where he'd started to say something then seemed to be correcting himself in time. Any time he caught a flash of uncertainty on Clark's features, as if unsure whether Lex had just caught him doing something wrong…

 There had been more than a couple of instances of all these things this past week. It seemed the closer Lex watched, and the more relaxed Clark became - and certainly the more frantic the arranging of schedules to try and sneak some time together each day- the more Lex seemed to see. 

 Or, perhaps it had always been there, and he just had never spent so much time with Clark before in one week.

  Either way, he was watching now, and though he managed to ignore these things when they happened and to merely enjoy Clark's company, whenever he was sitting here in this empty house, he would feel the ache in his heart …the ache that cried that Clark was hiding something incredible, and something Lex's mind couldn't comprehend.

 He didn't want to put words to his fears – that just made him sound crazy, even to himself. 

And yet, there was _something_. Unless he really was loosing his mind…

 Now, even as Clark too sat on the school bleachers musing over the past week, Lex sat at his desk and buried his head in his hands, stifling a groan.

You know what this is about don't you? , his common sense pointed out . There's an explanation which you're afraid of, but deep down it's the answer you want isn't it? For your own selfish reasons you're hoping for something absolutely ridiculous and incredible. Its all so dramatic and angst-ridden. Why can't you just be as content as you pretend to be to Clark?

 Oh man, the answer to that question could take up about fifty sessions with a shrink.

 But yes, he had been, in the back of his mind, reaching for something…And after days of re-thinking over all the time he'd known the Kents and their son, and of all the strange things Smallville had thrown at him since he'd returned here, Lex believed stronger than ever before that Clark's secret, and his own destiny (not to mention some deep and long-repressed mental scars) were linked; linked by this place, this quaint little town…and the one thing that made it completely unique from anywhere else on this planet.

  Sitting up in his seat he sighed and held the object in his hand up to the noon-day light.

The meteor rock shone bright, true, and an unearthly green.

_TBC_

_R/R folks!_


	27. Echoes of childhood

_"But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near."___

_- Andrew Marvell_

   Lex recalled how strangely uncomfortable he'd been asking, or rather demanding, this piece of meteor from Dr. Hamilton that morning. But then, whenever he entered what could only loosely be deemed a laboratory, he couldn't help but feel unnerved. He was funding this research, controlling it with his money, and Steven Hamilton should have been just another employee; but this wasn't work he could distance himself from. This was personal – and watching this man (unkempt and irritated by his employer's unscheduled visit) as he walked around benches filled with experiments, Lex felt almost repulsed by the evidence of obsession he saw around him. This disgraced scientist thought about nothing but meteors every day, experimented with them, took measurements, scans, photographs, EM readings, and a hundred other horribly detached and scientific things, as if, while able to grasp the miraculous and strange nature of the things, he still managed to apply his knowledge and logic to his burning questions, and treat them as if the rocks were any other of Earth's mysteries that could be researched and investigated until one day, he would find some key piece of evidence or hit on just the right theory, and the mystery would evaporate.

  The strong and determined part of Lex that had approached the good doctor in the first place, and kept an eye on his progress from afar, had been fuelled by his own suspicions and confusion, and come visiting today. But the second he walked in through the door, he remembered why he hated coming here. He was not surrounded, unlike the man rifling around for his latest notes, by experiments, and objects of scientific interest. No – he was surrounded by remnants (in many different forms but all with the same unearthly green colouring) of the screaming fireballs that had burnt their way though the blue sky and into his nightmares on that fateful day in1989. All around him, seemingly harmless rocks were calmly being monitored and subjected to different procedures and analysis. Hamilton worked among this, relatively calmly, every day. But all Lex could think about was how these rocks had got here – how they had smashed into this town and buried themselves under its fields, all in the space of a few terrible minutes.

   Maybe this polished specimen he held now, which Dr Hamilton had given him with an uncaring and impatient look, had even been part of that roaring mass of fire that had appeared over Reilly Field, out the corner of his eyes, as a child. Maybe this harmless piece of rock had once been part of something which had instantaneously flattened the crops in its wake and shaken his whole body before the sheer brute force of the impact and that awful wave of heat had knocked him off his feet and into a pit of unconsciousness.

   Lex dropped the rock onto the glass surface of his desk with a painfully loud clang of noise, that thankfully wasn't accompanied by the crash of glass breaking.

   Shaken, he looked away from it for a second and took a deep breath before angrily grabbing it and striding over to lock it in a nearby cupboard.

  He deposited the key in his pants pocket and seemed to look around his study, unsure of himself. The silence of the house, and the awful weight of his own apprehensions eventually got the better of him. Pausing only to divert all incoming calls to his cell-phone, he left his study. 

 Pulling on his coat in the hall, he spoke cordially to his housekeeper, who'd duly appeared.

 "Hannah, I think after last week's fiasco at the plant, a little surprise inspection is called for."

  "If you say so sir." Came the reply, with that slight reprimanding tone Lex would only permit in her, and which, in all honestly, he often welcomed, as if in the faintest possible way he could feel that this particular employee as some sort of family figure – an aunt perhaps – who was indulging her favourite nephew.

 And yes, he realised how utterly pitiful that sounded. Which is why, on more than one evening on his return home from some business matter or other, he'd decided to answer her obligatory "I hope all went well today?" with a mere "yes, thankyou" before retreating away to his study and helping himself to a drink. What could vaguely be deemed his 'household' did _not_ truly care about the details of his life. They were a handful of people who looked after his house, grounds, and meals. They were providing a service, not a substitute for friends or family. Which Amy Palmer seemed to have forgotten, of course…but then that was another story.

 And so, in a tone of charming carefree banter as he checked for his wallet and car-keys, Lex replied with a smile;

 " I do. Efficiency means profit , and profit means wages and jobs Hannah. Its my job to remind them of that."

 The middle-aged woman smiled back and nodded.

 "Of course sir. When should I expect you back?"

 "A few hours, no later. "

 He caught her glance at the clock, then just as he was turning to leave, it came;

 "And if Mr Kent should arrive before you?"

 He paused. He knew he shouldn't have. He knew, shocked or not, his response should have been immediate – a slightly puzzled expression and a dismissive "I'm sorry? Did he call and say he was coming by?". Cue an embarrassed look from her, and a quick end to any assumptions created the past week that it was taken for granted that Clark Kent spent every free waking minute here. He could have even have laughed and muttered cruelly something about having an evening free of annoying awestruck teenagers for once.

 But he didn't. He hesitated. And he knew his unease was visible in that hesitation, even as his back was to her.

 He half-turned and though for a second she tried to keep her expression neutral, it soon shifted into an honest and open look that said it all:

 _Yes, I know. But you pay me to respect your privacy and I will. I'm not like those Palmers._

 A beat as the thoughts whirled in his mind. All the things he could say. All the things he should say. Then, quietly and calmly;

 "It's unlikely I'll be that late, but if so, just show him into the study."

 And with a nod of compliance and gratitude from her, he turned and walked out to his car. Now he'd have a few hours of nervous explanations from Gabe Sullivan and company, in which he'd have to decide, on both moral an pragmatic grounds, whether it would be a bad idea to fire her on his return.

Oh come on. You didn't think that that was a genuine sugar-coated moment of vulnerability and trust there did you?

 For while her look had said she respected his privacy, Lex knew that to suspect as much as she seemed to, Hannah had had to have seen or have overheard something. Since he and Clark had been incredibly discreet, even when in the mansion, that meant she'd been a little over-curious.

  Hannah had just crossed the same line as Amy, only in a different way. And there was another reason, other than the glaring piteous  nature of it all,  that Lex had not encouraged the blurring of employment and friendship with his housekeeper: it was the same, clichéd one that had ruined every other kind of relationship in his life – he just couldn't' bring himself to trust people.

 As he drove far too fast along the roads of Smallville toward the Plant, Lex was torn between this part of his old self, and the faint new hope in humanity that Clark Kent had instilled in him from the second he met him.

  But then of course, his trust in Clark wasn't as completely and utterly concrete as it had been, was it?

 Lex drove on, annoyed that what was supposed to be a chance for him to clear his mind of all this, had just become another few hours of hidden worrying.

_TBC_

**Please** review!


	28. Day by day

_"Truly, to tell lies is not honorable;  
but when the truth entails tremendous ruin,  
To speak dishonorably is pardonable."_

_-Sophocles, Creusa_

   Lex's estimates on the timing of the afternoon were quite good. He would indeed have made it back to the manor a good while before Clark called in, a little while after the end of school. What he didn't bank on however, was Clark's cutting class.

 "Why the shock?" Clark had asked light-heartedly, seeing Chloe's expression. "_You_ can't tell me you've never cut class before. In fact, don't even try and get at me for skipping Trig because I **know** you did the same a few months back! "

  They'd been standing at Clark's locker towards the end of lunch as he hurriedly sorted out his books. He'd figured out that even with his super-speed (which, admittedly, he couldn't use a hell of a lot in daylight, and certainly not around town at this hour) he would struggle to fit in all his plans for tonight; to see Lex for any reasonable amount of time, meet Chloe at The Talon for last-minute party planning with Lana, fix the fence in the north field his Dad had been nagging him about, and finish a 1500 word assignment for tomorrow.  Remembering though that his parents were doing some shopping in Metropolis today, he realised that he could cut both his afternoon classes, and complete both his chores and his homework (the latter even faster than usual, without his mother to tell him off for rushing it. And when Clark rushed his work, he _really_ rushed.). Then all he had to do was spend twenty minutes max at The Talon (after which he planned to eat out with Chloe by the way, mom, so don't expect him back for dinner), and the rest of his evening could be spent with Lex.

 First though, he had deal with Chloe's disapproval.

"Yes, I've cut class" she was saying, "but for one, that was urgent Torch business, and two, _my_ work hasn't been slipping this year."

 Clark started to argue, but knew it to be true. Chloe was one of the world's great multi-taskers, and thrived on having so full a life that she constantly had to make sure her schoolwork, social life, and managing of The Torch didn't clash. She'd said recently, that what with the kidnappings and falling from high windows here in Smallville, her life was even more hectic than it had been growing up in Metropolis.

 But Clark…well, he really could do a lot of things ten times faster than those around him. But a lot of the time that just meant his parents gave him extra work to do around the farm. As for his work, as already said, he really couldn't do all of it at super-speed, and he did honestly do a lot of work for the Torch too - certainly he'd been writing more for it since his new-found love of his English classes. But the key point, the one which he truly, desperately wanted to get across to Chloe and to wipe that half-angry, half-concerned look off her face was this; how could he possibly be expected to keep his interest in schoolwork alive when he'd just found out he was an alien? When he'd found himself gaining new abilities, just one of which, if found out, would set him up as a freak for life.  And yes, Chloe and Lana and Pete had all of them got mixed up in all the little 'adventures' of the past year. But for every minute they'd been witness to something from the Wall of Weird, Clark had spent an hour actually _fighting _it. All the times he'd had to make an excuse and rush off somewhere, they'd all just ordered take-out and carried on researching, or gone home and had some dinner; but Clark had been off saving lives, stopping bullets, and even robbing apartments.

 So excuse him, if he was a little too tired and confused to get every assignment in on time, or pass every test.

   Of course though, he couldn't say any of that, and he sure as hell couldn't add "oh, and I'm also now spending every spare waking minute either with my secret boyfriend, or worrying about the fact that I _have_ a secret boyfriend."

 Instead he just gave her a vague tired look. Strangely enough though, she understood it perfectly, albeit with some bitterness; _I don't really know anything about you anymore. Fine. Do what you like._

 Thankfully the bell rang before she could voice her thoughts, and with a hasty "See you at the Talon" Clark was gone.

- - -

  Even before school was officially out for the day, Clark had finished what he needed to do, and was driving to Lex's. It was strange, he thought, before he got to the mansion each evening, kissed Lex and had him ask , in all eagerness, to tell him everything about his day , Clark didn't feel like he was at home.

 Perhaps there was a pang of regret with that thought, but it was a small one. He loved his parents truly and dearly, but, painful and perhaps ungrateful as it was for him to admit it, he found he'd lost an ounce of respect for them…or to be honest, for his father. It wasn't all gone not by a long shot – but having accepted that his feelings for Lex weren't something to be ashamed of, the fact that his parents wouldn't accept anything of the kind made them appear different now to Clark.

  He'd spoken about it with Lex in the past few days. At first he'd been reluctant to, ever aware of how unappreciative he would seem to someone who'd lost his mother, and who'd never been shown real affection by his father. But Lex had dismissed any of that.

 "You don't ever have to hide anything from me, Clark, whatever the reasons, and no matter how good you think your intentions are." Thankfully Lex had been looking away as he'd said those words, or he would have seen Clark's most

 Recent inner turmoil in his face; whether or not hell could, or should, tell Lex who..no, _what_ he really was. 'What' because, every time Clark had ever run through such a confession in his head with anyone, let alone Lex, he always ended up pleading "But I'm still _me_. I'm still the person you've always known", before making up some utterly lame analogy along the lines of "you should still care for me if you found out I was, say, Jewish….so I'm a different race, why should that matter?" _well, you idiot_, he'd answered  himself, _because you're not explaining that you can't celebrate Christmas with him, you're explaining that you can't be hurt by bullets, fire, knives or a fast-moving Porsche. _

  So, while he had confessed about his newfound unease with his parents, Clark had allowed yet another opportunity for the _real_ honesty, to pass by.

  Lex had in fact been always very interested to hear about his family relationships –even more of late, for some reason - which made leaving out the all-important Family Secret even more irritating and difficult. Clark had tried as best he could though;

 "Being adopted and everything, my parents have always been a lot more protective of me than say, Chloe or Pete's. Because I have and always will be, their only chance at a child. And  if you knew how much interest they take in my love life…I swear, Lex, they'd like nothing better for me to have a sweet high school romance, followed by marriage and a nice quiet life below the radar…I mean, you know, to stay away from the big city and corporate sharks that could do me wrong."

 They'd both grinned at that.

 "Ah…" Lex had began dryly, "and, not being Lana Lang or even Chloe Sullivan, and certainly having nothing but 'disrespect and contempt' for all things not of Metropolis, I'm doomed to be the corruptor of their miracle child, and the end to all their plans for happiness?"

"Most definitely."

 Lex had paused for a second as a thought occurred to him. When he spoke again it was soft and serious.

 "Y'know Clark…maybe there's a chance they _could_ accept you for what you are…if they could really be convinced it was truly you, and not some 'corruption' of you by me, or a city 'full of confusing ideas'…"

 It had taken Clark a moment or two to understand.

 "No." He'd said, so full of conviction Lex had been stunned, and more than a little intrigued. "There's no way I'm abandoning you in search of some other closeted Smallville kid like me, just to make it easier to convince _them_. This isn't something I'm doing out of curiosity Lex, its about _you, _ and how much I love you!"

 And Lex had kissed him long and deep before drawing back and sighing.

 "Once." He said. "I just needed to hear it once."

 Now that was just one of the many wonderful moments that Clark waited for all day. Time talking and being with Lex was his first priority and it only looked like getting better; Lex had hinted at getting away to his apartment in Metropolis soon, and had yesterday asked him whether or not he'd ever thought about travelling in the summer break, but had said no more about it at the time. That's when it had really hit the both of them – this, this incredible, exciting, and utterly _comfortable_ week could be just one of many. They could have a future.

 No wonder then, that Clark had a wide smile on his face at the thought of surprising Lex with his early arrival. 

 But that was a smile which vanished immediately as a black limousine shot past him on the road. He got a glimpse of personalised plates.

LUTHR2.

Lionel's car had just come from the Manor.

_TBC._

Family Secret even more irritating and difficult. Clark had tried as best he could though;

 "You see, my parents have already had to deal with me not being like everyone else – being an orphan I mean. They accepted that, especially in the eys of others, I could never _quite_ be the normal son…and on more than one occasion y'know it made others, and my parents, uncomfortable – like, say, when people say things like 'my daughter's got her father's eyes', or 'wow, looks like that talent for football runs in the family'. Because then there's this uncomfortable silence as my parents can't respond, and the other person realises what they said and makes a big thing about apologising profusely.

 Now, imagine if, after having to deal with all that and other things, my parents realise they've  


	29. Welcome home

_"Although the names change_

_Inside we're all the same_

_Why can't we tear down these walls-_

_To show the scars we're covering?"_

_- Creed, 'Inside Us All'._

Clark's heart was racing as he burst through the front door and look around the hall of the mansion wildly.

 "Lex?" he called loudly, as he headed towards the open door of the study. 

"He's not here", came a quiet voice behind him.

He turned to see Hannah coming from the dining room. 

 "Mr Luthor is out on business, though he said you might drop by."

 As she spoke politely, with a raised eyebrow at the front door standing open and his own panicked appearance, Clark suddenly felt the sinking feeling of impending embarrassment.

 "Oh I… just. I mean, I thought I saw his father just leaving here in a hurry, and I thought, maybe…"

Her eyes shifted uneasily as his words drifted off. Clark figured she was uncomfortable discussing her employer's family problems.

 He cleared his throat nervously.

 "So…did Lex leave with him?"

 Hannah was walking over to gently close the door as she answered over her shoulder;

 " No, I'm afraid he'd already left when his father arrived. I believe the elder Mr Luthor didn't want to wait for his return."

She turned back to him, with a small smile.

 "However, _you_ are more than welcome to make yourself comfortable in the study. He should be back soon"

 Clark gritted his teeth in embarrassment at making such a fuss, and giving a nod of gratitude backed away into the study, as she turned and disappeared off into the depths of the house.

  Clark wandered half-heartedly around the room where Lex spent so many hours of his day. The desk where he commanded his own little part of Lionel Luthor's empire. The artefacts and weighty volumes in cases and on shelves on every wall. From various sessions of small-talk over the year, not to mention a few more telling statements, Lex had let him know that half of these things meant very little to him – they'd merely come with the house, and had very little to do with him. But some…some had echoes of his childhood, before his mother's death. Some came with good memories.

 Trailing a finger along a glass case Clark smiled in contentment. He'd been let into Lex's life. This room was but a small symbol of that, but he couldn't wait for more in the future; he couldn't wait to drive with him into Metropolis, go to a restaurant or see a movie, to order from one of his beloved take-outs, or to visit all the places he spent time growing up.

  He wandered slowly over to the desk, his smile saddening slightly as he thought of all the time Lex spent alone in here. Not to mention how pressured and significant all his work was. Hell, a good proportion of the kids Clark knew had parents who worked for the Plant – their jobs depended on Lex passing this 'test' his father had set him, of turning the fortunes of this little part of LuthorCorp around. He tried to imagine having such responsibility over people's lives himself in five years. Strangely he thought that maybe, just maybe, he could manage it…if had had someone he loved by his side.

  As he wandered slowly round the desk his smile faded completely. He stood uncertainly, feeling in the pit of his stomach something all too familiar, and yet totally out of place here. Swallowing hard he backed away slowly towards the back wall only to wince an awful buzzing pain seeped into his mind and gut. One hand to his temples and the other to his stomach he looked around wildly, confused and nauseous. Quickly he back up to the middle of the room and thankfully the sickness subsided. His breathing however remained heavy as, using his X-ray vision he looked back at that corner of the room.

 Sure enough, there it was. A meteor. Lex had put a meteor rock in his office.

- - -

Lex was already placing his car-keys down on his desk before he noticed Clark out the corner of his eye. His tired face relaxed into a smile, as he turned to see him on the other side of the room. 

 "I gotta tell you Clark, I could _really _get used to having you here when I come home each day."

That only seemed to get a quick smile of gratitude from the figure hovering uncertainly in the room filled with warm summer light.

 "Hey-" Lex  called, making his way across to him, and placing a concerned hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong?"

 Clark seemed to be about to say something else, but then dismissed it, settling instead for a very nice 'welcome home' kiss indeed. After, Lex raised his eyebrows questioningly at him.

"I was just worried that's all" Clark offered as a reply,  looking at him with concern from under dark locks, "I passed your father's car on the way here, heading back to Metropolis."

 He related his earlier conversation with Hannah, as they sat down close on the couch.

 Lex seemed to wander off in thought.

"What's going on Lex?"

The automatic response of old would of course been something dismissive and yet reassuring at the same time, but they were way past that now. He would willingly have told the whole story were it not for his reluctance to mention Ella Rosenberg. Instead he told as much of the truth as he could, not bothering to hide the slight frown of worry on his face.

"I refused to do some of his dirty work for him recently. I was expecting a bit of payback in one form or another, but this –coming out here himself -and only to turn right around again…I don't know, something's not quite right."

He shrugged it away.

"But then what is in my family? Its probably nothing."

There was a slight tension in the air though, as they both felt the oppressing weight of Lionel Luthor's presence, hovering in the background – a threat constantly lurking. 

"Lex…if it turns out to be 'something' though, you'll let me know, right?"

That got a wry grin.

"Sure…wouldn't want to spare you from all the drama of the Luthor Empire." Absent-mindedly he took Clark's hand in his own and entwined their fingers, as he spoke with a brighter tone; "But tell me…how goes things in the world of Clark?"

 Both relaxing, Clark talked lightly of his day, including his father's slight rant this morning about spending so little time with his family or helping out on the farm. 

"And then, well, there's Pete's party's tomorrow. I have to be at the Talon later tonight to just check some things last minute with Lana and Chloe."

"Ah…how _are_ things going with the intrepid reporter?"

 Clark sighed, rolling his eyes in a wonderfully juvenile way.

 "Well, she doesn't seem to have told anyone about her little 'theory' about my supposed night of passion with that girl, Ella."

Lex should be commended for not so much as blinking at that reference.

"And youstill haven't corrected her?"

"Hey, I felt awful at first, but she seems to have gotten over it. And as cold and calculating as this might sound-"

"-Clark the one thing you could _never_ be is cold or calculating."

 "-but I might need an excuse like a girl who no-one knows, if ever I'm caught out with all this running around and lying about where I am or where I'm going..."

 Lex asked quietly, 

"Is that getting to be a problem? Lying and making up stories, I mean?"

The boy beside him shrugged.

"Hey, its okay, I'm pretty much used to it."

A beat before it came – that quick, uncertain sideways glance, as though he'd said too much.

Lex sat back, and when he spoke again it was in that same quiet tone.

"You aren't just talking about this past week are you?

He watched as Clark flashed an uncertain smile and was about to say something to change the topic and wave it all away. But before he could speak, Lex waved a hand to stop him. This was it. End of the line.

 "Clark – please. I _know_ there's something you're hiding, and sometimes...I think I might know what it is…but I need you to tell me. Other than the fact that this secret seems to hang above your head like a dark cloud most of the time, I admit I'm –selfish I guess; I need to be able to trust you. And to do that… I need you to trust me."

 Clark saw the sincerity in his eyes, and suddenly realised that Lex really did know that something was wrong. It was the lingering, suspicious look he'd got whenever he'd slipped up, or nearly been caught, as he'd shown just a moment ago. It was as if he could read the guilt or fear in his eyes…

 And the meteor…he had a meteor rock in this room. Did he know its effect on him, it link? What had made him bring something like that here all of a sudden?

 Clark ran a hand nervously through his hair, and met his eyes with such gravity as he'd managed to keep at bay this week, so happy had he been with Lex.

" God this is….this is _really _ difficult."

 "I know, but if you just get it over wi-"

"Lex stop!" He was yelling over the top of Lex's pleas now, standing and moving away, averting his face. This had got to a point where it couldn't be ignored. "You don't…You don't know what you're asking of me! Not really…" He sighed in frustration, and as sensed Lex standing too and approaching him, he backed away further, holding up his hand for him to stop as Lex had done himself a short while ago.

 "Please just…give me a second."

 Hearing Lex's heavy sigh as he sat back down, he closed his eyes. This was it. His opportunity to confess all, or part of it, or _something._ To do just what Lex wanted – to trust him, so that he in turn could be trusted. To be honest…to truly have no boundaries between them. 

  He thought about the meteor. Thought about Lex's words; _'I think I might know what it is'_. No, there was no way he could know the whole truth, or he certainly wouldn't have waited this long to ask him about it. But …had his suspicions about the car accident returned? And had he linked them to the meteor rocks? 

 All this was so hard to think about as Lex just sat watching him standing there, head bowed, and his body tense.

Clark turned to him suddenly and looked him in the eye with a terrible, searching stare, as if trying to read his very intentions.

 But Lex didn't look away. He just sat there, with a completely vulnerable, scared expression, that was suffused with love and support. 

 Time seemed to slow down for Clark as he suddenly saw who was before him. This was _him_ – the Lex that he'd always known was under that controlled, sometimes distant, sometimes suave, sometimes slightly amoral, always closed off, exterior. This was the Lex that he had got fleeting glimpses of more and more frequently as their friendship progressed: the Lex who dared to confide to him his memories of his mother, and the death of his baby brother Julian; the Lex whom he'd rescued from 'Zero', and whose terrified and shocked face he'd looked down into as he'd hung from a broken platform in the hidden depths of the Plant. This was the completely true Lex who he'd brought back to life by the riverside, who'd looked up at him with something like the expression he had now; a mixture of fear and an overpowering sudden instinct for trust and love. 

  Could this Lex ever betray him, for money or power? Could this Lex ever treat him like a science project, and put him away in a lab?

 Swallowing deep, Clark spoke hesitantly.

 "I need to ask you something. But you have to promise to be completely honest with me. Otherwise this conversation ends now."

 Lex paused for a second – a pause that confirmed what Clark already suspected; this was a person with many skeletons in his closet. Vowing complete honesty wasn't something to do lightly.

 But a second was all he needed. When he spoke it was with all sincerity, and with a firm unblinking gaze.

 "I promise."

Clark's voice became stronger, his face unreadable.

 "Why are you _really_ studying the meteors?"

TBC 

_* please take, like, 30 seconds to review! *_


	30. Lex's truth

_A man's past is not simply a dead history…it is a_

_ still-quivering part of himself, bringing shudders_

_ and bitter flavours and the tinglings of merited shame."_

_-George Elliot._

"What?"

 "You heard me."

  It was a bluff. Clark had no idea if and how he was studying the meteors. But Lex had seen the truth in Chloe's 'wall of weird' more than once…and if there was one thing Clark knew about the young man looking up at him uncertainly, it was that he wouldn't just stand by while something that strange was going on. He enjoyed a good challenge, a good mystery… and knowing what Lex had seen, and what had suddenly appeared in that locked cabinet across the room, Clark was willing to take the risk of giving Lex a hint of a truth that he may or may not already know….

 And it seemed impossible, but for a second Lex's worried gaze darted over to that cabinet and back to Clark, and there wasn't just guilt or surprise there – there was suspicion. An unspoken suspicion that was nevertheless clear on Lex's face, and so automatic, so sure, that Clark couldn't believe Lex could ever make such an irrational, illogical, and _correct _ leap - the question came with narrowed eyes, and a slight fear:

_Do you really know what's in there?_

Whatever Lex could or could not read in his eyes, he did not voice the thought. Instead, something he saw in those eyes must have moved him to turn back to the question put to him.

"We all know the meteors have done something to this town Clark…"

It was a cautious answer. The tone and the careful wording rang true of the Lex Luthor of old. Only the eyes kept some spark of hope alive in the boy listening to him, that there was still a chance for truth…and love.

 It took everything in him to keep his own voice firm now, and not sound desperate, and as vulnerable as he felt.

 " So what – is it just your land and property you're concerned about? Contamination?"

 There was no immediate response save for a shifting of the eyes.

 "How 'bout the power of them Lex? Did you get curious about that? Did you need to know if it could be manipulated?"

 The eyes shot back up, and yes...it was there stronger now. Fear and confusion. Wondering why Clark was suddenly daring to say the things he thought they'd put behind them a long time ago.  Assessments of his character that were both harsh and frighteningly accurate…or at least, they could have been once…

 He spoke quietly – he'd never had to face this side of himself with Clark. He was the one person in whose presence he could vaguely feel good about himself ; the one person with whom he could be who he always wanted to be. So now…he was going to be honest. He was going to trust himself to the person he loved, even now when he seemed so, _so_ different.

 "I _have_ been studying the meteor rocks, yes…And at first there might have been an element of…of what you said. That, and curiosity…".

"But then?"

Lex flashed a brief, softened look for a moment, at such a reminder of how well they knew each other.

"But then it all became serious. Definitely, after seeing Chloe's Wall of Weird, it was like this constant, menacing worry at the back of my mind that there was something more to Smallville, to this whole place –  and a sudden fear that what very little I knew was just the tip of the iceberg."

 Clark watched him carefully, his eyes hard, defensive.

 "You're telling me that you honestly took that much notice of one of my friend's quirky hobbies?"  

That got a tired, sad chuckle, as Lex buried his head in his hands for a second before standing and pacing slowly.

 "Oh god Clark, you just don't see do you?" He sighed. "Not that there's any reason why you should I guess… I don't bring it up a lot in conversation. After all, most people have it in their minds each time they look at me…"

 It took Clark a moment or two to understand. When he did, his heart wrenched, recalling in a horrid rush the second main reason, other than appearing a freak to the man he loved, why he should never tell Lex the truth: 

 His arrival here had made Lex a freak himself.

 Lex ran a hand over his bald head, as he stared down at the floor.

 "These meteors changed my life, Clark. For better or worse...I don't know. Maybe I'll never be able to decide for sure…But I do know that I've never been looked at the same since.  These...rocks from out of space…they just happened to strike this place at that particular time. I can't help but feel those few, unbelievably terrifying moments, didn't shape the entire of my life to come – that they weren't part of my destiny somehow…"

He looked up slowly out of his inward reverie.

"And then there was you."

 Clark couldn't say a word as Lex came to stand before him, his eyes trailing over his face, his hand briefly combing black locks away from his face.

 "Clark Kent…Who'd have thought it was you all along. You see, I thought…I still think… you're somehow linked to it all…to whatever secret this town is hiding, to those meteors and what they can do,  to my screwed-up life and what's to come of it."

 Lex swallowed hard as he looked into Clark's scared eyes…this was it. Looking into those eyes, he'd see the truth as he spoke.

 " I don't …I don't know if its like what's happened to all those others who I know you've discovered lately – whether its something that happened to you because of exposure to the rocks, or what….But, Clark…I should have killed you that day. I should have gone to hell having killed you. But instead, there you were, saving my life. Not a scratch on you. And not a single thing asked in return..." 

 His voice was shaky and full of the burden of many hours and long nights spent struggling with terrible suspicions; thoughts that went round and round, and tore his heart at every turn.

 "And then you're… you've been there protecting me and those around you as if it were somehow your duty, your responsibility…as if you understand that -that world I can't grasp,  better than any of us."

 He leaned in closer, his voice a confessional whisper.

"And you're _hiding_ things Clark. .."

He watched as the eyes before him for a second in the pain of being found out…in disbelieving all this was known…that there was only the truth or loss to come from this…

"…I study the meteors because I want to understand _why_. I want to understand what the hell happened here thirteen years ago, so that I can stop being that scared kid who saw the sky fall down around him…the kid who got turned into a freak. The kid who _no-one trusts._"

Clark broke down, lowering his face completely, leaning his forehead against Lex's, as the older boy, full of compassion and love clasped his fingers together behind Clark's neck.

 They stood there together, the tension unbearable, and the tears welling in their eyes threatening to fall at any second.

   When Clark spoke it was with such a strained tormented voice as neither Lex, or any other soul on this earth had heard before. No-one had even dreamt such pent-up anguish could exist inside the heart of mild-mannered, smiling, carefree Clark Kent.  It was the voice of his legacy – the question that had haunted him since his father had told him the truth; when he'd first realised that his arrival here, his good home, his wonderful parents, all came at the price of bringing with him those meteors…and causing the death and pain of dozens of people. Causing Lex to turn into a freak, just like him.

 "_I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…God, Lex, how can you ever forgive me_?"

** _TBC_**

**_[Apologies – couldn't write in week.]_**

****

**_Review! Review! Review!_**__


	31. Clark's demons

_"It is better to be hated for what you are,_

_ than to be loved for what you are not"._

_-Andre Gide_

Lex looked at Clark incredulously.

 "Forgive you? There's nothing to forgive, we've both been hiding things-"

"No, no, you don't understand!" Clark interrupted loudly, pulling Lex's hands from his neck, and clenching them desperately, pleading with his eyes. "I'm not talking about the lies, I'm talking about _me_, what I _did!"_

 "Clark I don't underst-"

"I love you."

Lex's frown deepened.

 "I love you too." He said softly, watching as Clark gave a barely perceptible nod of acceptance in return.

 "I know. And that's why I have to be honest with you…about what I've done to you…"

"You've _saved_ me, in so many ways, you haven't done anything wrong-"

"Not now, but then – in '89 - I hurt you."

There was a beat, as Lex's face filled with extreme concern. He reached out and put a supportive hand on Clark's shoulder.

"Clark, what are you talking about?"

Those blue eyes looking back at him had the weight of the world behind them. Looking into them would almost have scared him if the face they were in wasn't filled with such loving sorrow.

"All the fear you've felt since you were nine years old...the isolation you've suffered…I'm telling you it was all because of me."

"Clark- c'mon, you didn't cause meteors to fall out of the sky! You weren't even there for goodness-"

" No, _listen to me."_ His tone was intense now. "I _was_ there. That's the whole point. It was my …arrival. I came - and brought with me fire, and fear, and death. And so many repercussions for so many people. I live with that every single day. Every time I see Lana without her parents. Every time I pass by Principal Kwan's memorial. Every time I see Chloe's damn 'wall of weird'….and every time I see you, and how much anger you have inside of you." 

 Lex was unknowingly shaking his head, rejecting all these nonsensical things he refused to try and understand, knowing only that with so much guilt in Clark's voice none of it could be true… None of it. But Clark carried on regardless.

" I did this to you."

 "No! Clark just – just stop!" he pulled himself away, but the words kept coming – that truth he had asked for but now wished would just stop, all of it. 

"I can't! You know so much already, and I'm so, so tired of keeping the whole truth from you…"

"_What_ whole truth Clark?" he yelled. " That you're different somehow?"

"Yes." No hesitation.

 "That you can't be hurt?"

 "Yes." quieter now.

"That when I hit you that day…you didn't have a scratch on you?"

"Yes."

Lex swallowed deep.

"That…that you ripped the roof off that car to get me out?"

"Yes."

There was a pause. Such a terrible weighty pause it felt like the world had stopped and shrank down – till the only thing in it were two tortured faces, their heavy breathing and pounding hearts…and a distance between them that suddenly seemed miles apart. 

 Eventually Lex made a faint gesture towards the cabinet by his desk. It seemed to take him a second longer to find his voice.

"Can you see what's in there?"

Clark stood tense and so, so vulnerable. Finally he nodded.

"Yes."

He watched Lex fall apart. Oh he tried to keep his composure, he tried to look like he wasn't freaking out, but there are so many feelings you can't hide from the one you love. It was an awful mixture of having his life torn out from under him, and the profound - and strangely almost triumphant- relief at having all his suspicions, and all his doubts come to an end.

 They stayed there like that for a few minutes, one watching, waiting, fearing and hoping while the other tried to sort out the thoughts and feelings in his head – and occasionally glanced up at him as if to make sure this was really happening, and he was still sane. 

 When Lex spoke again it was with a voice more full of exhaustion than of hostility.

 "So…it was the meteors right? You somehow got exposed to them, like the others?"

He was listening intently for the confirmation that never came. 

 Instead he heard only silence, and looking up saw only a terrible wretched, and almost pitying look.

 "Goddamit Clark, what's going on? Was it the meteors or not?"

 "I told you already." came the reply. " I'm not like the others…what happened to them was my fault. They got exposed to fragments of the meteors that I brought with me."

 He could practically hear Lex repeating those words in his head; could see him trying to grasp at anything that he could find comfort in, anything he could understand within his own realm of plausibility. He could _feel_ the inner conflict at what his mind and heart could comprehend.

 The words came with lowered eyes, and so softly…just the first feint echoes of comprehension

 " …when you …arrived."

 Clark's voice was even quieter still – Lex, their future, his very life, and this moment, all made of glass...ready to shatter.

"In a ship…I was just a child. My parents…they found me. They said I…that I looked normal. Like any other kid."

Lex finally looked up with such wide scared eyes as Clark had never seen on him before

 "But you're not are you? You're not like other people..."

 Clark's reply would ring forever in his ears.

 "Lex, I'm like no one on this planet."

TBC 

_[apologies – I really didn't mean to leave this for a week. More v.soon]_

_R/R!_


	32. Deliberations

_"Nothing seemed true; I felt surrounded by cardboard scenery_

_which could quickly be removed…."_

_- Sartre_

~ ~ ~

"You want to talk about it?"

 It took a while to register that the question was directed at him. It took even longer to realise the voice was Lana's.

She'd just come up to the coffee bar of the Talon, a tray full of empty cups in her arms. 

 "Lana, hey…I didn't see you there." _God, even **I** think I sound stressed_, Clark thought.

 Sure enough, the look of concern on her face deepened.

"Well, I'm not surprised, you looked a world away there, Clark."

She leaned on the bar, taking in his somewhat haggard appearance, and how he was slumped inconspicuously over his drink, eyes cast down. For a second she fought back the impulse to put an arm around him and ask him what the hell had happened to him lately. She visibly stepped back a second. Clark was a friend…but she had to stop thinking like they was _more_ there. She had Whitney. And then there was Chloe…She frowned, glancing at the clock.

"I thought you and Chloe weren't coming by till later?"

He seemed to tense up somewhat, and barely met her eye as he replied;

 "Oh, yeah, I know….I'm sorry, something's come up.  I won't be able to make it back here later."

"So do you want to do this now, without Chloe?" She really shouldn't be so happy at that prospect.

Clark shook his head, almost irritated.

 "No, no, if you guys could sort it out later that'd be great,  its just…I needed a little time to myself right now."

 She bit her lip slightly.

 "Oh, okay…"

 He sighed heavily and gave her a genuine apologetic look.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like –"

 "No, don't worry about it." she smiled, all apparent good-humour. "Its not your fault the best coffee-shop in town has to come with a concerned friend asking questions…"

She made as if to move off, but the sight of there tugged at something in her heart. _Dammit_. She turned back.

"I'm sorry, Clark its just…its not like you to look like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders-"

How he could have laughed in different circumstances at that.

"- Is everything okay? Are you sure you don't feel like talking about it?"

 The brief look he gave her was strange and almost unreadable….like he wanted to say something but had been long resigned to the fact that he couldn't…or something. That boy was such a mystery sometimes…

"I'm fine, its just…I'm waiting for something."

 She shook her head, not understanding.

" For what? What could make you so worried?"

 Clark's darkened eyes looked up at the clock.

"An answer." He muttered.

~ ~ ~ 

 Yes, he was waiting for an answer; to find out if his whole life was about to be destroyed. Not that he could imagine Lex turning against him so much as to reveal his secret…but right now he couldn't' be sure of anything. He'd just turned Lex's life upside down – all bets were off.

 After he'd finally spoken the truth…and repeated it, and rephrased it as Lex had kept pulling back from believing, asking him again and again incredulously if this was all for real, if this was a joke, if he realised what he was saying; and if he'd lost his mind.

 Clark had never in his wildest dreams though imagined anyone he told could accept the truth straight away. This wasn't the movies. People had very real ideas of where reality ended and science-fiction and/or crazy delusions began. So he'd stood firm – he'd let Lex see the truth in his face, and hear it in his voice.  And then of course, he'd had to give him proof.

 Lex had been walking away from him, towards his desk as if searching for something to lean on. 

 "This is too surreal Clark, you can't….I mean, c'mon this is Smallville not Roswell for Christ's sake…"

 Clark had sighed and gritted his jaw as the denials continued, until he saw there was only one thing left to do.

 He stopped time. Well, from his perspective at least. He walked slowly and heavily across the room. Lex had his back to him, but as Clark walked around him, his face coming into view,  he felt his gut wrench at the expression on his face; of desperately trying not to panic. 

 He'd stood right in front of him, sighed, and 'stepped back' into normal moving time.

 Of course, from Lex's point of view all he saw was a vague blur before Clark appeared out of nowhere – moved halfway across the room in less than the blink of an eye.

After the initial shock that took Lex's breath away, there had been the moment where it had all sunk in. Finally,thankfully,  after a painful long struggle between denial and acceptance, the latter had won. 

"I can't believe this is happening…"

That softly-spoken statement of Lex's was what was ringing in Clark's head now as he sat waiting. Because for the first time in a long while he couldn't read the tone of Lex's voice…No matter how many times he re-played those words, and the words to follow, he couldn't be sure of what was being said …but he felt with a dull kind of dread that it was fear that Lex was feeling – fear and rejection. He'd started to say something, some sentiment or apology  - he couldn't remenber precisely now, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was Lex had eventually just turned away, and said softly;

 " I'm sorry,  but I think I need some time here."

 God, he'd never really had the right to hope for anything better than that…unfortunately such calm reasoning couldn't stop him feeling like he'd been hit by a truck . Looking back now he can't imagine how he could possibly have stopped himself from pleading with him right then and there – from trying to dissuade him from anything he might be thinking with tears and kisses and declarations of love and trust. Hell, it might have worked. But one of the points they had both been clear on from the minute they arranged the 'conditions' of this whole thing, was that this wasn't a perfect little romance. He may be a teenager but this wasn't a teenage affair; this was something that could hurt a lot of people, including them, if it wasn't kept in secret ; it was something that they had had to struggle to achieve and would have to struggle even harder to keep ; and  the revelations of today had just upped the stakes even more….No, this wasn't kids stuff. This was as real as it got. That meant a silent promise to leave off the emotional blackmail.

  So he'd just nodded, respecting his wishes, and tried not to sound offended, or just plain terrified. He tried…

 "Okay I can understand that…I mean,  I can hardly believe this is happening myself, and-"

 "- we're being honest here, right?"

"…yeah." He barely got the word out. God, if only Lex would've turned around…

 "Well, honestly, right now -  I need you not to be here."

 How _had_ he possible brought himself to respond to that? Maybe it was because at the time it had all seemed so unreal. Only now, sitting here alone, was it finally registering. 

"Sure, sure.." he'd poured out, too quiet, too nervous, but at least he kept the tears at bay. "I mean, take a couple of days, I'll give you some space –"

"Give me an hour clark."

"What?"

"One hour", Lex had said again, slowly, carefully. Then a slight tilt of the head towards him. No eye contact, but it was something. " I'll ..I'll have some sort of answer for you."

They both knew what the question was;

Could this – on top of the secrecy, age difference, and family prejudices- be too much for a fledgling relationship to survive, as wonderful and beautiful as it was? Clark sat alone amidst happier, less troubled, kids in the Talon, and waited to find out. 

_TBC_


	33. The Decision

_#   Could it tear us apart?  
It'll soon be forever  
It's gonna tear us apart   
Keep us together_

_You're the one i love  
You're the one i love #_

_-Coldplay___

How could things have come so far, and yet be exactly the same? How could Clark all of a sudden feel, as he approached the still and darkened mansion that he was but retracing nervous steps from so many times before all this – times when he was so uncertain of himself, of Lex, of what was going on between them, and of what the future would bring… It was such a terrible thing to feel  - it was almost as if all the good times had suddenly been made insignificant, annulled by one conversation. 

  Worse still was the guilt he felt at his fleeting bouts of suspicion; the visions of entering the manor only to find himself face to face with scientists from some shady branch of LuthorCorp ready to whisk him away…They were shameful thoughts – Lex was not his father ; but Clark was thinking like his. Jonathon was the one who could never entirely be swayed by Lex's displays of generosity – he was the one who was always ready to sink back into his old prejudices and paint any Luthor as a monster. Just the other day he'd caught his father muttering about how he'd heard about the problems at the Plant the week before ; " Its Chloe's dad I feel sorry for" he'd been saying to Martha, "No doubt the poor guy's doing all of Lex's work, but I bet you anything he's the one that'll pay for that kid's mistakes too. Who puts a 21-year-old in charge of a business anyway? And _that_ one? Its all war-games and personal profit for him, no matter how 'mature and responsible' he tries to appear to be." Yes, things at the Kent household had been getting more and more tense lately – financial difficulties put his father in a mood that he knew wasn't help by his own continual absence, and slack attitude towards farmwork and household chores…

 Clark sighed. The sudden arrival of typical adolescent-parent relations at the Kent farm was the least of his worries right now. As wonderfully melodramatic as he wished the sentiment was, his very happiness really _did_ depend on the answer he was about to receive. 

 The truth of it was, even if Lex somehow, possibly, was willing to try and accept what he was, there were still so many hurdles to follow Clark's mind really couldn't comprehend. The likelihood would be that such a deception on Clark's part – not to mention the completely freaked-out nature of the whole thing - would mean their relationship could never be the same again…But they'd come so _far_, they had reached a point of – well, not perfection, because that had never been possible with these suspicions and secrets hanging around them, but of being _comfortable_, of being happy and content and of it all _working_ without their feeling like there was any work to be done at all  - they had just been who they were with each other, and found that these more honest and true personalities were even more compatible than the ones they had adopted and hid behind cautiously before – the ones their friendship had grown from all that time ago.

 If he lost that ….if he lost Lex _this_ way…he would forever be hiding. He would forever be alone, untrusting, and bearing his powers like a curse, unable to talk to anyone about how the responsibility and fear that came with such a burden, would many-a-night throw him into a reverie of introspection and almost hopeless depression. He wanted to share that with Lex more than anything – he wanted to be able to keep the happy and optimistic attitude that he held around others, _all _the time.

 His dad always said that fear was something to face head on though. No use fearing the unknown…

 And so he walked the steps up to the front door, and tentatively let himself in. He was going to make this as normal as possible – Lex's home had felt like his home for months...now was not the time to be ringing the bell, and behaving like a stranger.

 It was dim inside – only the odd wall-light was on. He'd already started making his way to the study before he finally made out Lex's form, sitting a few steps up on the staircase.

 "Hey." He said, unable to help the wave of relief at just being in his presence.

 "Hey yourself", Lex called back gently.

  Clark's nervousness returned, as he sunk his hand deep in his jacket pockets, and shifted his weight from one foot to the other and back again.

 "What're you doing out here?" he called back, with equal softness. It was strange but the warm shadows created a fragile mood, as if the house itself was sleeping, and they shouldn't disturb it. Or maybe it was just another moment like before – another moment of glass, ready to shatter if dealt with too harshly or eagerly.

 He caught a resigned little smile cross Lex's face.

"Just waiting for you to get back", he said. "I don't suppose you went home?"

 Clark couldn't help but give a soft smile.

 "You know me too well."

 Lex raised an eyebrow and said quickly,

 "Well I think we know that's not entirely true anymore…"

The tension sank through the air sharp and sudden. _Oh God_, Clark thought, _Please no…_

 "Sorry, that – I didn't mean it to come out like that." Lex offered after what seemed like an eternity.

 Amidst it all, and perhaps partly due to some bitterness, Clark couldn't help but scoff lightly;

 "Wow, Lex, I think that was one of those classic non-apologies you told me about." 

 Lex's eyes flashed up in surprise, and met ones already filling with guilt. He smiled and gave a small nod of resignation. _Touche_, it said softly, and that was that.

 "Sit with me Clark." He said, sounding exhausted but strangely confident as he nodded to the space on the step beside him.

  There was a pause as Clark looked at that spot full of such doubt. They both knew what he was fearing – that in a few seconds this conversation could all be over, one way or another…But if he refused to sit and talk, if he pleaded some more, and tried to apologise or explain both the secret and why and how he kept it from the person he loved for so long –

 - but no. This was how it was going to be. Quiet. Simple. And, knowing Lex, involving well-thought out and carefully planned words, spoken calmly and decisively. 

  He walked over slowly and sank down onto the step beside him, wide enough so that they still had a fair distance apart. They sat in silence for a second, neither one desperately eager to start this. But then Lex, his forearms resting on his knees, and for once, stopping his hands from wringing together and betraying his nerves, began to speak. All the time they just faced forward, staring into the dark hall, filled with soft shadows and gently warm light.

 "While you were gone, I was thinking about people" Lex said. "People…they aren't just two-dimensional TV characters. They can't be just easily categorised into, say, Pete the dependable best friend, Chloe the quirky one, and Lana as prom-queen-in-the-making. Not forgetting you as the good-looking , decent and honest  country-boy that  every girl in a tri-state area wants to take home to meet the folks."

 "  - not to mention that cynical world-weary rich boy." Clark offered lightly, not thinking. He turned to Lex hurriedly, trying to read his face, to see if there was any sign there of regret – any sign that that rich boy actually _didn't_ want him anymore. But all that was met with was a grin.

"Yeah, well, him too." Lex's amusement melted away quickly though as he carried on, with all seriousness. "What I'm saying is…life's complicated. I of all people should know that. God, Fate or whatever…they think it's too simple just to give each person one problem to deal with in life."

 "I'm not going to disagree with that", Clark muttered, getting a brief look of pity from the boy beside him, before he continued.

 "Clark…I can't deny that what you told me shook me up...A _lot_. It's – well to say that it's hard to come to terms with all that, is the understatement of my life. When you left earlier, for a long time none of it seemed, well, _real_ at all. Like a dream, a ridiculous dream I could tell you about later and we could laugh about together.

 But then, when I saw you walk in just now...when I'm with you, I have to face up to it all. I can't pretend this isn't the serious thing that it is." 

 Clarks' face fell.

" - but I can handle that Clark. I can live with this, we can get through this – all of it – together…I'm not saying it'll be easy, but if you help me understand it, and accept it …we can get through it. Because this…you and me…is the only happiness I have in my life. I'm not going to give it up out of some cowardly, naïve belief that life _isn't_ complicated, and that it _should_ just be one problem at a time, that it _should _ all be fair.  

 So the odds are against us just a bit more now. Well you know what? That night...when I walked out on you at the party? That was the last time I'll ever run away from a challenge again. You and me…its crazy, but I guess it's destiny...it has to be."

 Clark was staring back at him, speechless with absolute ecstatic disbelief. 

 Lex grinned and shrugged casually.

 "Besides. I'm dating an alien. Have you any idea how cool that is?"

Shaking his head incredulous, Clark spoke through his laughter,

"Shut up and kiss me."

Lex was all but too happy to oblige. ****

**_TBC._****__**

****

**_Go on, keep those reviews coming in the final stretch..(tho' be warned – still some twists to come)_**

****

****


	34. Perspectives

_"Come hither, _

_and I shall light a candle of understanding in thine heart,_

_ which shall not be put out."_

_-2 Esdras, 14:25_

"Tell me everything." Lex said a little while later. "Tell me everything you know about where you're from, what you can do, how you managed to _hide_ it from everyone…"

 He frowned as Clark quickly looked away. 

"What is it?" he asked concerned.

But he soon saw what Clark was hiding was a tearful smile and a look of relief.

 "It's just…you have _no_ idea how much I've wanted to hear that-to have someone offer to listen…"

 Lex watched him for a long pause, comparing the face of happiness before him to the one he'd seen many times before – secretive, hesitant, regretful …the way his eyes had so often shifted as if he was under a great weight that no-one could no about. .

 "No" Lex said quietly, " I think I've got an idea…"

~ ~ ~

"You're over-reacting." Martha Kent was calling behind her to her husband. "He's just being a typical teenager."

 She shut the oven door and set the timer before turning around to see Jonathon with a face of thunder.

 "He's _not_ a typical teenager Martha and you know it." he said a little too loudly.

 She threw up her hands in protest.

"Hey, don't take your bad mood out on me." 

She went and joined him at the table, sitting down and giving him a sympathetic look.

 "It should probably be you telling me this y'know." She said lightly.

 "Telling you what?"

 "That he's not a child anymore."

Jonathon gave her a less than convincing glare.

 "I know that."

"No, I don't think you do." His wife said, watching lovingly as she saw the truth plain on his face. "You want him to depend on us, and be as open and honest with us as he always has been…because we have been _so _ lucky to have a son like that – one who's full of decency, and truth and respect. Whether that's because he's so special…being our miracle child…" she couldn't resist a sad smile of remembrance of those dark years of doctors and tests and hopelessness before being told she could never be a mother. "…or being _what_ he is…I don't know. But honey, I know this; he may have super powers, he may be totally unique on this earth in that respect….but we raised him to be just like all the other kids around him. And if that means as a teenager he starts to have a life we don't know about…then its something we're just going to have to live with."

  Even she couldn't keep the sadness out of her voice.

 Jonathon reached out across the table and placed his hand over his.

 "You're a wonderful mother Martha. That's just one of the things I love you for. But Clark's at risk of being found out any time he uses his powers; as a family we rely on each other to protect his secret….and I can't help worrying when he's being so distant as he is."

 "I know…but ask yourself this; is this all honestly about keeping Clark's secret…or is it about you being hurt that he doesn't spend so much time with you any more?"

 Seeing Jonathon's eyes slowly fall, she squeezed his hand reassuringly before leaving him to think.

 She hadn't gone more than a few seconds before his voice stopped her.

" I still don't think you should have let him stay away tonight. He's always out lately. And besides, it's a school night."

 Martha sighed, recalling Clark's phone call half an hour ago that had sparked this whole conversation.

 "He's just at Chloe's. He's safe, he's a phone call away…Besides-" she said, only half-believing,  but wishing to tease, " its about time those two started to spend time together."

 She laughed at the look of shock on Jonathon's face.

~ ~ ~ 

 And so, with both his parents and  -via Lana- Chloe, given vague explanations for his absence, Clark spend his first full night at Lex's. It was, however, a totally innocent one. 

 They stayed up all night sunk into the cushions on top of Lex's bed with a pizza between them, and talked. Clark told Lex about how he'd been different all his life, stronger and faster than others – and how he too, had once suspected it was some sort of transformation form the meteor shower, from the way that he always felt dizzy and weak whenever he was around them. He told him about the day when his parents had explained carefully that he'd been adopted, and the day that his father had told him where he was from, and shown him the ship. He told him about recently he'd had another power develop, and displayed his x-ray vision to Lex's absolute amazement as he'd described the contents of half a dozen closets and drawers in the room.

 Lex had eventually stopped laughing long enough to explain his amusement,

 "I always wondered what you were doing when he seemed to narrow your eyes at things like that – X-ray vision crossed my mind once or twice being the comic-lover I am, but I just figured you had the whole deep and pensive look going for you. That or a real need for an optometrist."

 Clark had laughed and thrown a pillow at him.

 Then they'd had the long and laborious process of  going over everything that had happened to them since that first fateful day at the bridge. It was not merely Clark filling in the blanks in Lex's suspicions, explaining where he'd gone whenever he'd rushed off, what he'd known about strange events but hadn't confessed, and all the actions he'd taken to resolve the mysteries that had plagued Smallville recently ; Lex too, had confessions of his own. He tried to honestly track both the growth and waning of his suspicions to Clark….but there were some things he couldn't manage to say for a long time. It wasn't until the early hours of morning, when Clark had just finished wondering out loud whether he could manage to keep the secret of his powers from Chloe and Pete for much longer, when he'd quietly and with lowered eyes said;

 "I lied about the Nicodemus. You were right to suspect me…I never meant for any of it to happen, but it _was_ my fault. It was part of research that I was funding.  I…I know you're dad nearly died…and I don't know how I could dare tom but I'm going to ask you to forgive me."

 After a pause the reply had come, heavy and tired.

" I can forgive you for doing that research behind my back Lex…I kept secrets from you, and I can't blame you for your curiosity. And…I have to forgive you for lying to me, because of all the times I've lied to you, and because I don't believe you did anything to prevent my dad from getting worse. Far from it, in fact.."

 Lex had looked up with relief.

 "…But the _way_ you.." Clark had looked away uncomfortably. "The way you lied to me Lex…it was.."

"- disturbingly convincing?" Lex had finished with reluctance, taking pity on Clark's inability to say such things. He'd swallowed hard, and looked down at his hands. "I can't help it Clark…I wish I could , but the fact is somewhere along the twisted way that is my life, I became far too good at deceiving and manipulating people. Most of the time I don't even think of it as a bad thing to do…and I'll admit that scares me a little…" his voice trailed off, before he forced himself to look up.

 "But I did feel bad that day for doing that to you Clark- so naturally, and without hesitation save to think up the most convincing response.  And I…I really hope I never do that again."

 Clark caught the fleeting fear is Lex's eyes, and saw once more the insecurity there.

 "Lex,", he said quietly, "Why do you always think you're going to turn into your father?"

 Very few people other than trained professionals ever get to make a sudden observation about someone's character that results in the same unprepared shock and vulnerability as appeared on Lex's face at that moment.  After a long pause he'd eventually looked away with a brief humourless laugh.

 "Because every now and then, he actually acts like he's proud of me…"

Clark had frowned, watching as Lex's expression darkened and his thoughts drifted elsewhere..

TBC 

R/R


	35. PART 6: The new life

[Author's note: I was basically gonna get the **whole** thing completed before posting up again, hence delays, but Just_call_me_cutie, in return for giving the first review of the year, gets her wish of an update to keep her going :) . More  to follow. ]

_#now when I rise I shine_

_I've got you on my mind_

_and the question isn't if_

_the question is merely when #_

_-Eels._

Clark found himself stirred out of a light sleep by an annoying incessant beeping. That was the first strange thing – the second was that he had the most godawful crick in the neck.

Some realisation of where he was dawned as the bed shifted beneath him, and a familiar voice grumbled a few expletives, as Lex reached out to wreak bloody murder on his alarm-clock.

Sitting up himself, Clark sleepily rubbed his eyes and looked from Lex; childishly turning over and pulling a pillow over his head to block out the light that was till on from the night before – and what had been torn from its socket and flung down onto the floor.

"Y'know, something as expensive looking as that probably has a 'sleep' button Lex."

A muffled response came from under the pillow; "In all the time you've known me you should have figured out that I am **not** what is so perkily called a 'morning person'."

Clark yawned and stretched.

"Actually I _had_ figured that out. I just love to taunt you."

Lex emerged blinking into the light in order to fix him with a mocking glare that turned into a smirk.

"Well gee, Clark, not to ruin your moment of glory or anything, but you should also know that we self-mellowed adults like to set our alarms a little later than your average student."

He watched amused as the smug face of Clark Kent fell in wonderfully genuine horror, as he checked his watch.

"Oh my god, I'm late for school!"

"Hey you can always use your – "

A brief whirl of action ensued before Clark was standing there again, a little less dishevelled having washed and apparently borrowed one of Lex's less-expensive looking shirts.

" – superspeed?" Clark finished helpfully.

Lex shook his head.

"I'm telling you right now I'll never get used to that."

That was met with a wide Kent grin, and a hasty,

"I _really_ have to go- if my parents hear that I was late we're in trouble."

Just as he was heading to the door though Lex called out ,

"What? No good-bye kiss?"

Clark turned back, and paused for a second with a guilty look before obliging.

" _I'll_ never get used to _that_", he said quietly afterwards.

Lex gave him a compassionate smile.

"Yeah, well, I bet when we first met you didn't see yourself spending the night here in the future."

He couldn't believe it but Clark was blushing bright red – no, wait, he _could_ believe it.

He rolled his eyes.

"You know what I mean."

He did; even in the early days, weeks and months of their friendship he'd been amazed at how easily Lex had taken him into his life, so different from his own. Every time Clark had turned up on his doorstep – this small town kid, still in high school, and a world apart – he'd never been made to feel uncomfortable, or unwanted. If Lex had wanted their contact to end with an offered gift in appreciation for saving his life and all, then that would have been it. Nothing else was expected of in terms of friendship. That was what had surprised and intrigued Clark from the start. Here was this rich, powerful and dynamic person, and he'd wanted to spend time with Clark. Sure, maybe in the beginning it wasn't quite the hours spent talking and spending time with each other that it had been the last couple of months, but there had always been a strange air of acceptance from Lex, as if he'd decided from the start to take an interest in Clark's life. But to be _completely_ taken into Lex's world– to be privy to his secrets; to be spoilt with the occasional gift his wealth and influence could afford, to attend one of Lex's parties and meet his friends; to meet those people important in his life, from his past enemies, to Victoria; and now, to spend endless private hours talking in confidence with Lex in his room...this  was something that was both unthinkable and yet inevitable from the beginning.

"I'll try and come by after the party tonight, okay?" Clark said quietly.

Lex nodded but there was a brief flicker of something in his expression.

"You know I wish you could be there with me."

"Yeah, well I don't think your friends would appreciate it even if I could."

Clark started to protest – to say that his friends, who at best had only ever been impressed by brief displays of charm or wealth, hadn't actually cringed every time he mentioned Lex's name. But they both knew the truth, especially after Chloe's little speech that morning.

"I'm sorry Lex." He said quietly.

But Lex's expression stayed firm and confident.

"C'mon Clark, do you really think I care what people think of me?"

It was a rhetorical question but still, left unanswered it seemed to hang in the air too long and, with a saddened look in Clark's eyes, they let the implication remain unchallenged and yet unconfirmed.

Clark merely stepped closer and gave him a determined, and lingering kiss.

"I'll see you later." He said, before leaving the room and hurrying quickly along the darkened halls of the manor to find, somewhere in its depths, his book-bag that he'd left downstairs the night before.

Lex felt a wave of self-pity, standing alone, exhausted and still so confused about all that was said last night. And now Clark was running off to school, his friends, to a party….and all he'd have to think about all day was how incredibly complicated his life had become.

And he was worried too; worried that it was those increasingly frequent pitying and loving looks from Clark that were making him even more and more sensitive to the hardships in his life. It was easier to hide from your fear, anger, and vulnerability when there wasn't anyone around who wanted to hear about it, and who's presence just made you want to confess everything and curl up in their arms.

He hadn't had anyone make him feel like that for a long, long time…and it was getting more and more difficult to keep his previously all too familiar façade of confidence and clear-mindedness alive.

~ ~ ~ ~

Clark made it to school just as the bell rang for lesson changes. Hurrying through the halls to his locker he almost didn't hear his name called .He turned.

"Oh, hey Lana, I'm sorry but I can't stop-"

but he did, as he caught the concerned look on her face.

"What is it?" he asked lowering his voice as he approached her, standing by her open locker. "What's happened?"

She shook her head, but was watching him strangely.

"Nothing's happened, I'm okay, it's just…" she paused, " I'm not sure if you are."

Credit should be given to her for catching his brief shifting to a defensive stance.

"I don't know what you-"

"I called around you house last night" she interrupted, speaking quietly and seriously, "and your Mom told me you were at Chloe's."

For a strange moment Clark felt a sudden urge to dissuade her from getting the wrong impression about him and Chloe – just as he would have a year ago in full-on crush mode. Old habits die hard. Momentarily distracted by this little minute of introspection he found himself spinning lies automatically.

"Oh, yeah, well I caught up with her later after all, and we were just going over some last –minute ideas, it got late, and-"

"That's not true Clark, any of it.." Lana still kept her voice low, and while it was full of concern, there wasn't any really bitterness there. "You weren't at Chloe's, because _I_ know she was pouring her heart out to me two hours after the Talon closed."

"What?"

Lana was watching him so intently, he felt like the truth must be written across his forehead.

"I got a pretty good idea of what's been going on with you two lately, and what she told me really got me worried about you Clark, because _I've_ noticed something's been off with you for a while too. I came round last night to give you some advice, which believe me, I feel all the more justified giving you this morning than I did then."

She stepped closer, as he averted his eyes, just to avoid that gaze of pure and honest care and worry for him.

"Whatever it is you're going through, keeping it a secret from your friends' isn't healthy Clark. And if you've gotten involved with something that…" she seemed to struggle for words for a second, before sighing and settling for; " Look, if it's that someone's asking you to lie for them, then you should really think about whether your relationship, however exciting it might be, is really worth it."

"Lana, I'm not in a rela-"

"_Or_, and I think this is the more likely situation, if you're lying and hiding to protect Chloe – then Clark, I can tell you that while you may have good intentions, you're only causing her more pain."

She made as if to move away, but then, turning back and biting her lip she decided there was one last thing that needed to be said, no matter whether it broke certain long-established barriers between them or not.

"If _you_ were in Chloe's position, and loved someone who couldn't love you back-" Clark's eyes shot up, and painful understanding flashed between them as Lana forced herself to carry on, "– wouldn't the only way you could move on be to see that person happy with someone else, no matter how hard it may seem at first?"

They stood oblivious as the other students thronged around them in the busy hallway, laughing and happy and grumbling after pop quizzes went disastrously wrong. There were the glistening of tears in both their eyes that betrayed the hurt of a year of unspoken wishes and agreements.

Eventually Clark met her gaze with his own, dark and both terribly vulnerable and weighted with responsibility at the same time.

"You and Whitney were lucky though; " He said oh so quietly. " you weren't laden with as many secrets as we are."

With that Clark looked away hastily and walked off, leaving Lana staring after him, to wonder for very long time just how she could have been blind to such painful depths of Clark Kent.

_TBC_


	36. Avoiding the inevitable

_"Friendship is constant in all other things_

_ Save in the office and affairs of love."_

_-Shakespeare_

 The day seemed both endless and yet empty for Clark. He spent a lunch hanging out with the very happy Pete and a few of his other friends, who thankfully were more enthusiastic conversationalists than Clark, and kept the birthday-boy happy with talk of the gifts he'd received from his parents (including a very nice sum towards a car), and which girl each of them were going to have their eye on at the party that night.

  He couldn't bring himself to speak to Chloe. He felt full of self-loathing and yet could just not see any way that she would be able to accept the truth if he told her. Not to mention the fact that he felt he had no right to say anything without discussing it with Lex – after all, if any of this got out he would be the first to suffer for it. Most likely at the receiving end of Jonathon Kent's right hook.

 Any conversation would feel fake and taste bitter in his mouth; he hated himself for considering going and 'confessing' that he was in a relationship with Ella Rosenberg after all…for the more he thought about it, the more it made sense as a temporary solution to all the suspicions and as some sort of remedy to the tattered remnants of their friendship…Ella could be an answer to almost every question – the difficulty in finding time to see each other would explain his always being away, and for being tired and run down whenever he _was_ around. The stress of keeping the relationship secret due to the age gap would explain his bad moods and stress. It would all be so perfect, because it was all so very nearly true.

 The only problem was of course, there would be no proof; he'd only be forced to give more specific lies that could be more easily disproved than whatever general suspicions Chloe seemed to have at the moment.

   For then was Chloe herself…how could telling her a story like that give her any more comfort than she had now? He couldn't show her how happy he was, she couldn't be forced to see him with someone else until she was forced to admit that things were better off like this…

      Round and round and round the problems spun in Clark's mind. A storm was brewing and what was worse was that he'd seen it coming all along…and he'd let it. He'd been too busy enjoying himself this week to really stop and think about how he was going to keep all his secrets in check. 

    He could try and limit the amount he used his superpowers to when they were needed in an emergency. But he couldn't stop himself from spending time with Lex. This was all going wrong before it had even properly started…

~ ~ ~

Lex was being plagued by the same worries, as he'd gone about his business that day.  After spending a few hours at the LuthorCorp Plant, he was just walking back to his car, accompanied by Mr. Sullivan when he'd tried to casually ask after his daughter. The genuineness of his concern though had somehow shone through and the poor man had look surprised and unbearably grateful for the unusual attention.

 "My daughter? Well she's fine thankyou for asking Mr Luthor!" When Lex continued to give him his full attention instead of nodding vaguely and swanning off, he continued, helpless to prevent himself from telling the world about his daughter, with all the pride and care of a father that Lex had never witnessed in his own. "She's a real good kid – she's still got that spark of Metropolis in her – I just know she's going to really get somewhere with her journalism..."

 He watched Lex smile wryly,

 "Yes, she's certainly got all the making of the intrepid reporter."

 Sullivan laughed embarrassed and proud at the same time,

"Oh, of course, I keep forgetting you've met."

 "Yes, well interviews apart we share a mutual friend…" Lex didn't know why he'd mentioned that to someone who was basically just an employee to him – he could even see it in his face for a second, that sudden recollection of just how young Lex Luthor really was…a shift in the way this particular employee perceived him, as he saw before him his boss - he who had power over the very future of his family – as someone who spent his time with his teenage daughter's friends.

 Lex had made his exit very swiftly after that, making sure his final words were weighty ones about the running of the plant. It would do no good to have his top employee harbouring fresh doubts about his ability to run this business, after all his hard work of the past year.

 He did find himself feeling genuinely sorry for Chloe; he saw drive and intelligence in her that he could respect, while at the same time she was yet another innocent, good-natured and charming part of Clark's life. He would have wished for such a genuine friend as her in his teenage years, but all his friends had ended up as jaded as him, if not worse. And of course, he could never blame her for falling in love with Clark Kent. When he saw the two of them together, with her eyes following her friend everywhere, and him taking her so much for granted, mostly oblivious of her beauty and her devotion to him. First there was Lana, and now there was him – and while, from what he could gather, there had been some thawing of hostilities between Chloe and Miss Lang, he knew that her opinion of _him_ had far from improved the past months. Yeah, the poor girl really did not deserve what life had been throwing at her lately. But while she may deserve Clark far more than him, Lex wasn't about to give him up. Clark was his, and he was going to keep him now no matter what. And that meant that Chloe Sullivan, with her damned curiosity spurred on by her jealousy was going to be a problem.

Later that evening Lex would give anything for Clark's besotted best friend to be his one and only problem again.

~ ~ ~

"I love this guy!"

 Clark tried not to splutter out his coke. _Oh man,_ he thought, _One day Pete's **really** going to regret shouting that out to the entire room._

 But shouting Pete was, and after another two minutes of declaration of love, respect and "you da man!"s  he finally settled down enough to ask where the hell Clark managed to get tickets for The Metropolis Shark's hugely important and supposedly sold-out game next month. 

 "I have my sources." Clark said, grinning.

The party was in full swing around them, and was so far a raging success. And, obviously, Pete was highly appreciative of Clark's gift. But now a sad smile was on his face,

 "Yeah, well, if you happen to know the _owner_ of the Sharks I guess you should take advantage of it."

 Clark's own grin fell. It was always there…always this sad, pitying disapproval of his and Lex's friendship. If it wasn't Pete's party and he wasn't so tired, he probably wouldn't have been able too keep the bitterness out of his voice as he did now;

" Pete? For one thing, technically it's Lex's dad who owns the team. And second.." He smiled, " …I got those tickets by standing for two hours in the pouring rain after school one night."

After a second or two of staring down at the tickets in his hand embarrassed, Pete was grinning again.

 "I'm sorry man, I totally deserved that. Thankyou – these are great."

 He sat down next to Clark at the coffee bar and leaned back happily.

 "So – you got three tickets huh? Any suggestions for who I should take with me?" He was teasing, and Clark knew it, but still he hesitated before answering. It had bee the three of them for so many years now; Pete, Chloe and him. They'd done some serious growing up together, but lately, he'd just felt like he was growing apart. And it wasn't just this thing with Lex; it was strange but at least when he himself didn't know the reason for his great strength and speed, it didn't feel like he was keeping so much from them. But since he'd knew the truth – well, at least as much of it as his parents did – he'd felt the weight of his decision _not_ to share this all-important revelation with his best friends. He knew he couldn't' tell them, he _knew _it….they'd never look at him the same again – after all, he'd be the source of everything that had ever appeared on the Wall of Weird. How could he ever just be 'Clark' again? Nope, he'd be Clark, their favourite extraterrestrial.  But that didn't stop him from wondering if he deserved their friendship after deceiving them so much…

 A gentle punch on the arm from Pete brought him happily back to the carefree atmosphere of the celebrations.

 "C'mon Clark, I'm just kidding. It'll be good; you me and Chloe in the big city! Can't you just see her now, showing us all her old haunts?"

 They both allowed their gazes to wander over to the happy blonde laughing with a couple of girlfriends on the other side of the room.

"Yeah, I can see it…" Clark said quietly. 

Pete glanced across at him before turning back to watch the oblivious Chloe, all bright-eyed and happy, the life of the party, looking beautiful in her own unique way. He sighed,

"Well, there's just one problem." 

Clark looked back at him quickly but he didn't meet his eye – just kept staring out casually across the room as he spoke,

" See, despite their best efforts to hide it, it's pretty obvious that something's gone down between my two best friends. And from where I'm sitting it looks like you were the one to cause it."

 "Pete, I-"

" Hey, listen Clark – you're my best friend. And it's my birthday. I honestly don't want to get into an argument tonight okay? All I want is to say this.." he spoke as quietly as he could amidst the music. " I ..I know that people grow up. Hey, tonight should prove that. And I know that sometimes that can cause problems – Problem one for example, being that some people might feel there's something else out there better than smalltown Smallville..they might  go looking for new experiences...and new friends. But that's okay, because I think I can realise now it's kinda naive –and selfish- of me to expect otherwise. I just want the people I care about to be happy."

 As the laughter and conversations went on all around them, Clark sat humbled and full of hope at the same time. They couldn't look at each other, neither wanting the moment to tip on its balance; for it half felt like the beginning of a new era in their friendship and half like all they had built together was caving in.

Pete was the one to shift in his seat after a moment and speak again.

"… And that, Clark, brings us problem number two."

He made the faintest of nods out towards Chloe.

" Because you see, what with all this growing up, there might be this girl who finds herself falling for a friend who- " he turned to Clark for a moment, with a sort of sad resignation in his voice, "-for some strange, utterly unbelievable reason of his own -doesn't feel the same towards her; doesn't want the commitment, or whatever…"

 " I can't make you see sense Clark, and  I can't tell you how much I would give to have her look at me the way she looks at you. But somehow you've finally managed to not only break her heart, but loose her friendship. And I care about both of you too much to allow things to stay like this. Go. Fix things. Somehow, you have to at least try…because if you don't… then, Clark, then we'll have a problem between _us_."

With that, he stood up and walked away quietly, head down as he left his stunned and heavy-hearted friend behind.

~~~

**_TBC_**


	37. What you have to do

_"__Some people come into our lives and quickly go._

_Others stay awhile, make footprints on our hearts_

_and we are never, ever the same."_

_-Anon.___

   Chloe loved him. But if there was one thing Clark Kent was good at it was denial – so it was only now that he'd heard Pete confirm it with so much sadness and envy in his voice that he could admit to himself that he'd suspected that Chloe was jealous of his attention to Lana for a while now….Every time he'd seen her looking at him with such love in her eyes though he'd ran away from that sinking feeling of fear and regret – fear of losing a friend that he _really_ needed in his life right now, and the most profound guilt and regret that he couldn't be what she wanted him to be. He'd buried all that only to delay what Pete was asking him to do – to give her an answer and, whatever it was, to surely lose her friendship forever.

  But that _Pete _still felt so strongly was something he'd completely forgotten in those months since he'd heard his envious Nicodemus-influenced confession… Sure, at the time and a little after he'd thought that it was something to think about, but he hadn't seen a sign of it since – he'd just assumed the things he'd said that night were part of some subconscious attraction. But that Pete was still consciously angsting after her in that way was almost mortifying; was he truly that blind to his friends that he couldn't see all these loving passions beneath the everyday banter; even in the all dangerous situations they'd been in the last year? They spent so much time together with all these things going unsaid and undefined…

  But, sitting among all these other friends and students he casually knew, Clark realised the truth; it had always been the three of them. Sure, they all knew other people, and all had other friends they talked too but something had kept the three of them, two guys and a girl, _best_ friends, through everything; and while it might be thought that that made them so fortunate, the truth was that a friendship like theirs was one of the worst things to have at this time in their life. It would work against them as, even if they did dare to look elsewhere for love, it would be the hardest thing in the world not to compare everyone new with what you already had. He could understand it perfectly – he'd found what he had with Lex after securing a friendship first, so how could he expect Pete or Chloe not to find more happiness in those they knew, rather than go through the frightening and far too risky business of trying to create a relationship from scratch with any random kid they felt a faint attraction to?

 They knew each other – not completely by any means, as all this just proved, but surely they knew they knew the essence of each other – they could see the goodness, and for the most part they could love the weaknesses as just apart of the overall package that made up the person that they loved. 

Chloe loved  him. With her hurt, an unspoken question had been asked, and now he'd finally have to give her an answer.

He got up from his seat and felt that sinking feeling all over again. 

"Can we talk?"

 Chloe's friends watched curiously as she stopped mid sentence at those quiet words from her friend. They probably would have given each other a few suggestive winks at the sudden tension between the most famous supposedly –platonic boy-girl friendship at Smallville high – but there was a level of seriousness here that they could sense and not define. They gently and inconspicuously made their excuses and moved off to leave the two alone.

 Chloe bit her lip, and ashamed at her sudden urge to cry just at the sight of him looking at her like that, she looked away shaking her head.

 "Clark please can't we just let all this go and-"

He took her hand gently, and as her gaze trailed up to his face she saw a resignation that hadn't been there all week – this wasn't another hurried attempt to make excuses. But it was his voice that made her resolve melt.

"Don't you think there're things that need to be said?"

Somehow she managed to blink back the tears welling up as she eventually nodded, unable to answer as she allowed him to lead her outside.

~ ~ ~

"Are you cold?" he asked nervously, taking in her bare white shoulders as she stood in the cool evening air in a thin dress. 

But she shook her head as he made to take off his jacket.

"I'm okay Clark." She said smiling.

After a beat she looked up at him more firmly.

"I'm okay." She repeated quietly.

Faces lit by the glow of The Talon sign from above, they looked into each other's eyes as if it were the first moment of honesty between them.

"I'm not." Clark said. "I'm not okay – I'm scared that I'm losing my very best friend."

"You're not, you couldn't-" she was protesting before she knew what she was saying. Shaking her head she reached out and took his hands, squeezing them tight, and wishing so so much that he would just take her in his arms..

"You couldn't ever lose me Clark."

His heart tore at the sight of this girl that he never realised was so fragile, with tearful eyes trying to smile and put up a brave front.

 He lifted her hands up and kissed them gently.

 "I'm so lucky to have you." He said quietly. 

 He watched as she kept that loving smile on her face while a tear fell down her cheek, sparkling in the reflected lights.

"You just don't want me…like that, do you?" she whispered back.

The look on her face told her what she had always feared even before he spoke the words.

"I'm so sorry Chloe…You have to know its not you, it's me-"

She had to laugh at that in all her pain.

"Please Clark , spare me the clichés.."

"No, listen to me."

She had to force her eyes back to meet his. Those eyes that had never paid her as much attention as they were now.

"You're beautiful Chloe. Half the time I bet you don't even know how much. And you're smart, and funny, and so honest and good that I really don't deserve you as much as you may have thought-"

She laughed desperately again, the tears flowing freely now.

"But there's a 'but' coming, right?"

Clark closed his eyes, not believing this could all be so hard. 

"I'm in love with someone else." He said, barely audible.

It seemed like an eternity before he had the courage to look at her again, and when he did he saw on her face the pain of someone who had their very worst fears confirmed.

"You really love her?" she asked.

He paused for a second before answering.

"I wouldn't have hurt you like this if I hadn't found the person who made me feel…like I'd found something I'd been looking for my whole life. Someone…who's not perfect, but together I think we could _work. _Do you understand?"

 Chloe squeezed his hands again.

"I think I have an idea." She said, her heart torn.

 She reached up to put her cool hands on his cheek, taking in this sad and beautiful face. She pulled his head down gently to kiss his forehead lightly.

"I hope you can hold onto that feeling Clark. And if not…"

The offer, so desperate and so vulnerable was left unsaid, too painful for her to put words to, or for him to hear. She had to hold herself together, and he had to believe that they could get past this. She couldn't say what every bone in her body wanted her to say.

I'll wait… 

 She let him go, and wiping her eyes, she laughed again.

"Now c'mon, there's one hell of a party going on in there!"

A silence descended as slowly she turned and walked back in. Pausing a moment to cast a glance up at the stars, her best friend followed at a distance. 

_TBC._


	38. Love lost and found

"Just when I seemed about to learn!  
Where is the thread now? Off again.  
The old trick! Only I discern –

Infinite passion, and the pain  
Of finite hearts that yearn."

_-Robert Browning_

Just as he made his way back into the throng of partying kids though, he felt a hand pull on his arm.

"Lana..." He smiled weakly

She returned the smile happily but motioned over to Chloe, who was heading quietly to get herself a drink.

"I get the feeling that something was just worked out there between you two…"Watching his face she added, "But did she want to hear what you had to say?"

"No." He said heavily, but then sighing he turned towards her fully with a subtle tone of appreciation and understanding "but it had to be said. It was for the best."

They keep their gaze for a second before Lana nodded, accepting the forgiveness Clark had just given her for not choosing him over Whitney. It was a pity that every single thing about him at this moment, from his towering form to his sad eyes looking down at her, made her regret that decision with a aching guilty pang in her heart.

 What was it about this boy?

Swallowing hard, she turned to face back out at the party, and Clark followed suit. The Talon had been transformed anyway from a coffee-house into a place for a party, with music blaring on the other side of the room and teens dancing, and everyone holding the obligatory paper cups of what Lana hoped, if she was to keep her licence, was still just soda. A banner crying "Happy 16th Pete!" hung from the ceiling, hand-made by Clark, Chloe and Lana at different times over the past couple of weeks. Streamers hung, party food was scattered, everyone was dressed up and taking the time to dance and laugh. A table was piled high with different gifts. The lights had been turned even lower while Clark and Chloe had stepped out, and scattered colourful disco lights made faces hard to recognise.

 It was a wonderful, small-town celebration for a friend by friends. They all had the maturity of being in their middle teens, and there was the teasing, flirting atmosphere without the all out wild and risky partying that they would discover in years to come.

 This was home. And it was wonderful.

Lana was obviously thinking along the same lines, for after a minute or two of watching their surroundings she spoke half to herself…

"There's a very important lesson I learnt from my parents' death. I tend to forget it myself from time to time…but nights like this remind me of it…We should really just savour the good moments in life. Too much time is wasted with unanswered questions, secrets, worries… Life's too precious, and too short, to waste on uncertainties. The minute you find what you love, just accept it, and be happy."

She looked up towards him with a smile.

"Do you think that's naïve of me?"

Clark smiled as if he'd just got some private joke. Laughing lightly he shook his head.

"No, Lana, I think that's the smartest thing I've heard anyone say in a long time."

She smiled back widely, amused, before something caught her eye, and she gently turned Clark round to follow her gaze.

Though kids were continuously walking across and blocking their view, they could make out Pete walking slowly up to Chloe on the other side of the room. They watched as the two friends looked at each other, and how, without saying a word, Pete gently took the drink from Chloe's drink and put it on the side, before taking her hand and leading her out onto the dance floor.

 After a moment of staring into Pete's compassionate eyes with a look of hopeless gratitude and embarrassment at her pathetic emotional state, Chloe gave in and leant her head on his offered shoulder. They danced close as she closed her eyes and thanked God she had such good friends. Pete held her happily and sighed deeply, his breath ruffling her hair.

"You're gonna be alright Chlo'." He said quietly.

After a beat, her somewhat thick voice came back.

"What would I do without you huh?"

He smiled sadly, unseen by her, and held her tighter reassuringly.

"Trust me, that'll never be a possibility."

 After a while he suddenly noticed Clark watching him from across the room.

His friend smiled, nodded, and quietly turned to leave. 

Lana didn't quite catch the subtleties of these events, but somehow, watching two best friends together out there, seeing her Talon so successful and full of good feeling, she felt that everyone was somehow content at last.

All except Clark that is. But he'd assured her, before he left, that his happiness lay elsewhere.

"Well, go find it Clark Kent – man of mystery…" she'd said, watching with those deep dark eyes. "The night's still young."

He'd smiled that secret smile.

And watching him go she felt that sorrowful jealousy again, for whoever got to make him happy tonight.

~ ~ ~

 Jonathan tapped his fingers absent-mindedly on the steering wheel as he made his way through town. He'd just come from the farm of a friend who might have been able to make him a good deal on some farm equipment. Unfortunately, even a friend's generous price wasn't low enough for them right now. He sighed. 

  They'd had money troubles before of course, before they'd had Clark and even when he was younger there'd been a few very tight months at some point. But these days it all seemed never-ending. They could just never make it so they were _quite_ secure enough…especially when surprises seemed increasingly round the corner these days. He gritted his jaw as he thought in anger about that contamination to their land and livestock….with that in its history, how could they ever expect to sell the farm if their money troubles called for it?

 He shook his head to chase those thoughts away, and as he drove slowly down into the centre of town he looked around at this place that he'd call home till his dying day.  Sure, having to sell up was a farmer's worst nightmare, but there was something worse for a father:  leaving a legacy of debt to his only son. 

   Oh he knew that more and more kids around here were flying the nest the second they graduated, and he would never want Clark to feel like he was forced into a life he didn't want. Just look at that poor kid Whitney, thinking he'd be tied down to his old man's store for the rest of his days. No, Clark was a special kid, and he needed to see the world just as he and Martha had in their youth.  But in his heart of hearts Jonathan couldn't help but want Clark to come back here, just as he himself did after college, and some day take over the farm just as he had from his father before him. And why shouldn't he? Sure, Clark was gifted and special, but the boy loved this life out in the country. Trying to see Clark living in some apartment in the city, Jonathan almost laughed aloud. His son was faster, and stronger than anyone lese on this planet. What good would those skills be to him in a mundane 9 to 5 office job? What was he going to do, become a really fast typist?

  No, someone like Clark belonged out here, connected to the real world, and the place that fate had sent him to. He was their miracle child. His mother was devoted to him, and he..well, he had the son he'd only ever dreamed of. 

 But of course, things had been trying the last year…and they only seemed to be getting worse. Was this behaviour lately some sort of delayed anger at their keeping the truth from him for all those years? Or was he, as Martha said, just growing up? That was unfortunately an explanation that didn't give him too much comfort. After all, when he was a kid these had been the years that things had really started to get strained between him and _his _father.

 Jonathan Kent was a good, proud man, but when it came to that boy he felt more and more helpless to understand what was going on in his head…Take this week for instance: they'd barely sat down to two meals together, and there'd certainly been no father-son heart-to-hearts. He used to be able to talk to his son about any of his problems, hell, even about girls. And now…?

  And now Clark appeared in his view for a fleeting instance. He was sure it had been his son turning down that road out of town. Jonathan slowed down, but he'd already missed the turning. The streets were pretty much empty, and stopping the truck and easing it into reverse, he moved slowly back, curious. Ready to wind down the window and call out to his son, he watched as before his eyes Clark shot off in a blur of speed along the road into darkness, without so much as checking to see if anyone was watching.

 Unable to stop himself swearing, Jonathan quickly glanced around, but no one else on the main street could have seen it. Backing the truck up a bit more to make room for the turn, he swung the wheel and took the left turning to follow._ Where the hell was Clark rushing off to…alone ,and at this time of night?_

 As he drove along, familiar enogh with the hazards of roads round here to at least keep within the speed limit, he knew that there was no way he'd catch sight of Clark now unless he slowed down.  His mind raced though, wondering what danger his son might be out to stop now. Shouldn't he be at Pete's birthday party tonight? But he was damn sure that even if his eyes had deceived him at that first glance, there sure couldn't be another tall dark-haired boy in Smallville who could move like that, and now vanish without a trace…

 He tried to think of what was out in this direction, as he quickly left the town behind and came out into open fields. There was the Jacobs Farm, and if he turned off a few miles off there was the old Whiting place…but he knew in his gut that if there was trouble out this way tonight it wasn't going to be at either of those places. No, it would be at the other local residence around here. Lex Luthor's mansion.

 Goddamit, what trouble was his son going to have to bail that arrogant kid out of now?

 He pulled up after what seemed an achingly long time, to the grand whimsy of the Luthor's that was this awful-looking 'ancestral home'. He hated coming here – the entire place was a testimony of the stupid things people do with too much time and other people's money on their hands. He got out of the truck, and started up the steps to the front door, speeding up further when he saw it lying slightly ajar.

 He pushed it open, tentatively at first, all too aware that he hadn't _actually_ seen Clark come here, and not seeing any visible sign of explosions, kidnappers, frozen boys, or anyone paranoid and psychotic on supposedly long-extinct plants. 

 "Hello?" he called out into the empty hall, veiled in shadow.

  Almost at the same time though he heard a noise, a brief small cry of pain, followed by a voice muttering something in low tones. He rushed towards the door of the study, again not fully shut, and went in, calling for his son in concern.

   What he saw made him stop in his tracks. Clark was helping a young man painfully to his feet, supporting him with what Jonathon knew to be his superhuman strength, but matched with great gentleness. What he couldn't believe was that the weak, dazed looking boy he held, with a face bloodied and swollen was actually Lex Luthor.

 His eyes took in Lex's injuries, how he clutched his arm around his ribs in pain; the disarrayed desk and broken computer monitor lying smashed on the floor; his son's eyes looking back at him in shock…eyes that were red from crying.

 "My God Clark" he said. "What happened here?"

_TBC._


	39. Sins of the father 1

_"Children might or might not be a blessing,_

_but to create them and then fail them was surely damnation."_

_-__Lois McMaster Bujold, 'Barrayar'_

Earlier… 

   Lex had come home from the Plant feeling unsure of himself, and not best pleased that all he had to look forward to was an evening alone. It was a pitiful thought, but at least when Clark and he were just friends -or at least, not admitting they were anything else-  he could get away with casually dropping by to see him, wherever he was just for a few minutes. For, as surprising as it seemed now, he really did used to be content with those few minutes. Why? Because some part of him loved to just give this innocent friend some advice or say something to remind him that he alone was a part of his schoolboy's life that was more elusive, and mysterious than anything else he had going. Oh yes, he knew he was very manipulative in all those months…whether he was being so consciously or not. He just loved to turn up at the Beanery or at Clark's house, seeming all worldly-wise, not to mention looking fabulous, and just for a moment stake his claim on this boy_. He's part of my life too_, he felt like saying to those around them, or even silently mock them for not being able to see what he could see in this boy. _I'm not going anywhere…no matter what you all _want he'd thought triumphantly on more than one bitter occasion, especially when he knew there were those present who weren't too pleased about the intrusion…usually Jonathan Kent.  

Then of course, he'd had to do that spot of soul-searching and had realised this sense of Clark being _his_ was far stronger and significant than he'd let himself believe. Since he'd realised it was more than clinging on to his one and only friend, he'd become far less confident of meeting Clark around other people for fear of not being able to draw himself away…

   That didn't stop him from wishing like hell that he could still drop in on Clark's life, intimidate a few of his friends with his presence and make everyone wonder if there wasn't just a little bit more to the mysterious Clark Kent. Knowing what he knew now he thought there was nothing more pitiable about Clark's life than the fact that he had to hide most of what he was. Everyone strived to be something special, and here was a guy who genuinely _was,_ but couldn't tell the world. 

  For the sake of this poor kid who was forced to look for obscurity, Lex wished more than anything like turning the car around, and strolling casually into the Talon on some pretext like congratulating Lana on the Talon doing so well hosting occasions like this. Yeah that would work… Then , as Lana somewhat timidly  tried to put forward another little money-makings scheme of hers, knowing full well that the entire business rested on his approval, he'd dismiss her casually and ask where he could find Clark. He'd love to see the look on her face…yes, Clark Kent, the boy you loved to string along but never gave a real chance, is best friends with the most influential man in town. Is everyone watching the tow of us talk? Is everyone wondering what's so special about him? You missed your chance Lana, and now he's _mine_. _I_ get to see the real him, now that he's no longer playing the poor lovelorn guy-next-door routine for you. Maybe I'll just kiss him right there to show you what you're missing…

  Lex couldn't help laughing at himself as he drove along. Maybe it was just sleep deprivation, but it seemed like this whole relationship was making him revert back to a daydreaming teenager again. Unfortunately it looked like even in his daydreams he was a  proud, gloating son-of-a-bitch…

 But no, of course he couldn't do any of that. There'd be no victorious coming out party that night. But that didn't stop him from wishing like hell that he could be at the Talon– or anywhere – tonight where he and Clark could be together and just relax.

Instead he actually had nothing else to do tonight but eat alone and then work. He was twenty-one years old for goodness' sake…this was a sad and empty life.

  When he walked through the front door though, briefcase in hand, and ready to hang up his jacket, he noticed straightaway how dark it was in the house. The mansion, unlit was a cold and foreboding place. He wasn't superstitious as a rule but it was something about knowing how ancient the stones of the manor were that made him feel vulnerable and insignificant.

 "Hello?" he called out into the gloom.

"Hannah?"

There was no reply. The faint orange glow of one lamp on a side-table drew him in, and he walked over without even attempting to turn on the main lights. The lamp shone down on a folded piece of white paper – his own personal stationary – which simply had written "Mr. Luthor" on the top side.

 He knew that writing.

He unfolded the note and read the few brief lines in a simple curving hand.

   _"Your father left so abruptly that day because of me.  When I opened the door I was expecting your friend, and he made me tell him why. I tried to lie for you, but in the end he made me tell him all that I knew. I'm so sorry. I have betrayed your trust and as such, please accept my resignation.  I hope one day you can forgive me."_

Hannah. His father had a way of blackmailing his damn housekeeper into revealing his secret. Lionel had always been in every tiny part of his life except this, this wonderful new happiness that he'd struggled for, and now…

 The light went out as the lamp smashed against the opposite wall, Lex flinging it with all his might and cursing his father's name as he did so.

~ ~ ~

He made sure that when Lionel arrived he was sitting casually at his desk, working on his computer. There was no chair seated opposite him.  It was the most basic of confrontational business psychology, but seated behind his own desk in his own study he could try and pretend that his father was on _his_ territory in here; or, at the very least, that they would be speaking man to man, and not father to child.

 He knew that his father was coming of course. After reading Hannah's note, and a few minutes of cursing and nearly punching a whole in the wall, he'd sank down to the floor and sat there for about ten minutes staring into nothing, silent through sheer seething anger as well as abject terror at everything crashing down around him. He'd felt that same disembodied panic as he had the night of the party, but this time there were no beautiful and cold faces around him to escape from, only an empty house. That was what made it worse of course – the fact that his father could force his life to come to a halt without even having to be there…it was his very absence, the threat of things to come that gave him so much power: because you knew that there was no way in hell that he wasn't using this time just to plan something…

  It would have been infinitesimally more comforting if he'd come home that day Lionel had dropped by so suddenly, only to find him waiting for him, half-heartedly examining his works of art with a critical eye, while asking him why his housekeeper seemed to think there was something going on between him and Clark Kent. Yes, that would have been far more comforting because that would have shown him testing for a reaction; it would have meant he'd found the whole thing amusing, but still perhaps curious enough to check, _just in case_ it wasn't some idiotic misunderstanding by an old woman. Lex could have handled that situation. He could have dismissed any lingering suspicions with a bored and impatient attitude and muttered something about the senility of his staff.

 But Lionel had left straight away. He'd gone straight back to Metropolis, and pretty fast if Clark's testimony was anything to go by. Not a word since. That scared Lex more than anything. 

 He was sitting now, expecting his father because he knew that if Lionel was planning anything whatsoever, he'd need no more than 24 hours to arrange it. This he knew from experience – that was all the time he had to prepare for this transfer to Smallville after all. Oh yes, he knew his father all right…

  And that is why he managed to sit, unflinching, as his father walked in slowly a little while later, stood in front of him, and announced,

 "How's Europe sound to you Lex?"

 His son had casually carried on browsing away on his computer.

"Familiar." He'd replied. "Isn't that where you threatened to banish me to after that little incident in '98?"

"It's a pity I didn't " Lionel came back steadily. "Maybe then you would have learnt a little obedience."

Lex did nothing but raise an eyebrow. Lionel smiled back at his son's affected nonchalance, and in one firm swing, sent the computer monitor crashing down to the floor.

Lex jumped up  in shock.

"Jesus, dad!" He cried before he could help himself. Filled with self-loathing at allowing himself to react that way he quickly regained his composure and shook his head as he walked around the desk surveying the damage as he went.

"I have to say destruction of property...that's a little impulsive for you isn't it?"

His father's eyes were steady and boring into him only a few inches away now.

" 'Impulsive' seems to be the only thing you understand Lex." He replied. _God I hate how he says my name, _ was all Lex could think _Like everytime he says it he's reminding me that I belong to him…that he gave me that name._

 All he did though was glare back into those eyes, as his father's voice came clear and decisive, his expression one of barely concealed victory.

" This was your chance Lex, to prove yourself, to prove that you could be responsible and fall in line with this company. Maybe, in years to come you might have another chance, but I'm not convinced you're ready. Yes, I think Europe might suit you for a while. I admit it's a slightly more colourful exile than Smallville , Kansas, but there at least you can indulge all your juvenile fancies to your heart's content without the burden of all this responsibility."

 He shook his head slightly, looking in more contempt than pity at the child before him trying to look so defiant.

"I've strived all my life to shape you into a man worthy to be called my son  - worthy of my legacy, my name, and my reputation-"

"Your _legacy_, what am I ,just an investment to you?"

"Oh don't be so naïve Lex, _every_ child is an investment to their parents!" Lionel snapped back. "And you were to be my greatest one; for when my time comes –and be assured it will be in the far, far distant future –I want, as every man does,  to be able to look at all areas of my influence and say 'these are my greatest achievements". And Lex, my boy, whatever you may think of me I have always strived to make sure that you would be one of them. But here you are…risking everything to behave like a foolish child, and causing me no amount of shame and embarrassment into the bargain; not only for your behaviour which I stress here and now will _not_ be tolerated , but for your defiance of my wishes-"

"Don't tell me this is about RoseTech-"

"-I told you not to cross Jonathon Kent!" Lionel's yell resounded around the study. There was rage in his eyes now. "And instead what did you do?  Set out to corrupt his only son in the most insulting way possible!"

"You've never loved anything in your life have you Dad?"

Lionel laughed bitterly, "Oh for God's sake Lex don't dare to claim your latest perverted activities amount to _love_…"

"I meant you and _me_ Dad!" Lex cried out. Lionel's smile faded. "You've never once felt anything but disappointment in me have you? Admit it, you've never loved your only son! You wanted to love _Julian_, and yourself, but _not_ me, and _not_ Mom!" He heard the cracking sound of the slap before he felt it across his face. 

Leaning over him Lionel's voice was dangerously low, his hands unshaking.

"For once in your life son, stop proving yourself a fool by talking of things of which you know _nothing_."

  A long pause came, and he expected his words to sink in. He expected him to loose his courage, as always for this son, so so angry with him and yet all the time both reminding him of himself, and his wife. He hated Lex's defiance as he'd hated hers, but loved his charisma as he loved his own…The boy just needed to stop acting like a petulant arrogant child. So of course, there they were, those hot angry eyes glaring back at him, mouth set firm, and cheek burning red, though at least he had the self respect not to clutch at it in pain, or break into tears. Good. Now he could have yet another short period of obedience.

 But as he opened his mouth to continue berating his son, the pattern of many, many years was broken by Lex standing tall and saying firmly.

 "Mom was ashamed of you."

Even he had never seen so much malevolence in one gaze as his father gave him now.

"What did you say?" His voice was nothing but a whispered rasp.

Lex swallowed hard. 

"You heard. I might be the disappointing freak of a son to you, but she was _never_ ashamed of _me_ Dad. It was you who were the disgrace to her in the end."

"You don't know anything you little-"

"I know what she told me! I know that when she was dying she wept with shame and begged me again and again to forgive you for not being the father you should be! A father who slept around-"

It was a real hit this time. Straight across the mouth in a sudden rush of rage at this pure incessant insolence.

Standing tall again, Lex lifted a hand up to his broken lip and looked down at the blood. His eyes flashed up defiantly and triumphantly.

"You know she saw this coming."

"I'm warning you, stop right now!

"In the end she didn't love you – she finally saw what you were."

Another strike to the other side of his face stunned him longer, but struggling back up Lex cried on relentless, basking in his triumph at breaking his father's composure – of finally hitting him where it hurt, and without resorting to fists himself. 

" You were a cheating-"

Strike to the ribs an a scream of "Quiet!". Oh yes, let him yell.

" Lying-"

Another wild one as he fell to the floor gripping his sides.

"Cold-hearted son-of –a-bitch-"

He was gasping the words out now but god did it feel good to see the rage in his eyes, to know each punch was a victory over his father's self-control and a triumph for every thing he was saying…

"You will be quiet!" Lionel roared.

Crouching on the floor bloodied and a pain soaring down his sides forcing him to breathe shakily, Lex looked up at him with a face full of smug patronising disdain.

"She begged the forgiveness of her child for having stayed with a man totally unworthy of being a father."

"Quiet!" Lionel yelled, as grabbing him by his shirt he pulled his son towards him and gave another firm right hook across the face.

This time there was no reply, only dazed looking eyes staring back up at him. Slowly they seemed to focus on his face again. They were full of helpless accusation.

 Those eyes had looked up at him from a crib. They had looked up at him from a hospital bed. The past couple of years they had been looking at him with growing open contempt. 

He looked down at his own bloodied hands, and down at this…child. He'd done this to him. He'd crossed the line he had never even contemplated crossing. What had Lex made him do? He was a proud, authoritative, and demanding father, but he was not _this._ He could not be this monster his son thought he was…He could not be incapable of love…

  He'd seen those eyes in someone else's face too though; looking up at him from a mass of machines and tubes. Surely no real man should have his wife and son look at him like that.

 "Get packing." He said quietly, not really sure if he was speaking. "Be gone by the end of the week."

Slowly he turned and made his way out the room with uncertain steps, each one resounding in Lex's head as he lay on the floor, too tired an aching to move, tears in his eyes as he wordlessly prayed for his mother.

The distant sound of his father's car driving off was all he heard before silence descended on the empty house. 

 His triumph was empty and bitter in his mouth and he was broken and alone…

"Clark…" he whispered.

_TBC._


	40. Alone no more

_"Nothing seemed true;_

_ I felt surrounded by cardboard scenery _

_which could quickly be removed…."_

_-Sartre_

Clark had run the whole way to the manor at super-speed, feeling reckless and elated. Rationally, he knew everything wasn't perfect but tonight it felt like none of that mattered. All that did was that there was a weekend ahead of him, and before long there would be the summer, and among it all there would undoubtedly be new complications and new 'adventures' along the typical Smallville lines, but through it all, as a wonderful constant would be Lex. Lex, who now knew everything about him and in return had allowed himself to believe that he could be loved selflessly in return. There would be so many happy times…Starting with tonight. Tonight he was in the mood for anything…

  His heart sunk the second he let himself in through the front door. It was too dark in here, even for the manor. But the door had been open -Lex must be here…

 For a strange second he recalled the time they'd been skulking around the house after the apparent 'ghost' had made its presence felt. Back to reality though, while still trying to keep a calm expression, he couldn't help but feel something was off…But he thought he saw a dim glow of light coming from under the door in the study. He made his way over, his smile coming back uncertainly, his footsteps sounding too loud in the empty house.

"Lex?" he called, pushing the door open. 

His eyes went wide at what he saw.

"Clark, I'm okay, don't-" But he was at Lex's side in a heartbeat, falling to his knees beside where he was sitting up, propped against the one of the legs of his desk. 

"Oh my god your face…" Clark whispered, gently reaching out to force Lex to look at him. One eye was swelling up, one side of his face was red, his cheekbone already bruising, and his bottom lip cut open. 

Lex winced as his hand brushed his cheek.

"Not the most comforting reaction Clark." He tried to keep his tone light, but it hurt to move his jaw too much, and his words came out slowly and painfully. 

"Who did this?" 

Lex tried to laugh but that too, hurt like hell.

"Someone whose self-control I overestimated."

"Lex…" Clark's voice was soft and so full of concern. There were tears of disbelief in his eyes.He never thought he could be so scared for anything or anybody in his life. He could tell he was trying to be brave, keep it light, but there was something in his eyes, that eventually gave in.

"I'm really glad you're here…" Lex said thickly, unable to believe how safe he felt in this boy's presence. 

"Don't ever leave me okay?" he said suddenly.

Clark sat, moved and amazed at the courage he'd needed to say that.

"I'm right here Lex." He said quietly. "I'm right here…"

~ ~ ~

"I'm going to kill him."

The worst thing was that Lex could really see something there in his eyes. Clark had said nothing while he'd told the story quickly and half-disbelievingly. He hadn't expected such an intense reaction as this.  He spoke steadily to the pacing boy before him.

"Clark-"

"He's your _father_, he can't _do_ this to you!"

"Well he just did!" He cringed at the pain in his jaw at yelling, and sighed, serious and quiet. "He's never done it before and he'll never do it again. Trust me on this….its alright. He hit me with his fists, I hit him with a few home truths. Both were a long time coming, but despite appearances, _he_ didn't win today."

They sat in silence for a second, Clark's head bowed as he ran his fingers through his hair. For the tenth time he said "We need to get you to a doctor."

"I'll survive, really…" Lex muttered. "Its painful but it's just bruising."

"Lex-"

"I really _don't _like hospitals Clark." That, at least, should be something the alien before him could understand.

"Then can't I at least call-"

"_No_ Clark, we agreed that _his_ service would never be required again." He tried to smile. "Seriously, I'm fine... Now please just…just help me stand up so I can go upstairs and clean myself up…"

Clark looked down with him eyes filled with aching pity, love and frustration.

"You're so much stronger than I am" he said to Lex quietly. As much as he put on this act of bravado, there really _was_ some innate strength in him that tried to battle through life. He didn't know where he himself would be if he hadn't been taken into a loving home. And he couldn't imagine things ever being so bad with his dad that things would come to _this._ Without your parents you were…lost. 

But Lex just gave a small dismissive grin.

"Yeah, well, that's a shame since I could really do with the man of steel here lending me a hand."

Too saddened to be really amused, Clark took his outstretched hand, and supporting him, all the time wondering what the chances were that he might have concussion or something, he started to help him get up.

 As Lex stood, the movement made him give a short cry out as pain shot across his ribs.

"Jesus that guy works out" Lex muttered.

"Take it slow okay?" Clark said. "You sure you don't feel dizzy?"

But before he could nag Lex any more, a movement at the door made his eyes go wide in surprise at his father standing there and looking back breathlessly.****

"My God Clark" he said. "What happened here?"

_TBC._


	41. Sins of the father 2

_"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. _

_Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up."__   
__-James Baldwin_

  As an automatic reaction Clark released his hold on Lex's arm, but thankfully Lex was standing on his own two feet now, albeit cautiously. His head was spinning like anything though…

 "Dad." Clark said, short and cautious.

Jonathan looked from his son to Lex who looked like he was attempting to decide whether to bother trying to hide his face or not. In the end he seemed to stand resignedly, and stared back at him with uncertainty. Now _that_ was an expression he'd never seen on that kid's face…

 He turned his gaze back to his son.

"Are _you_ alright?"

 Clark gritted his jaw.  
"I'm fine."

"Well will someone tell me what's happened here?"

"I surprised an intruder, that's all Mr. Kent." Offered Lex calmly, thinking fast. Hey, this was unfortunately what he was best at in the world. "Clark just found me here a minute ago."

There was a beat before he added, without the least detectable trace of sarcasm,  "Don't worry, I'll be alright."

"I can't persuade him to see a doctor." Clark added, still concerned. He was just looking for a little extra support but he saw something in his father's face…Jonathan was looking at Lex as if he expected nothing else but stubborn stupidity from him. Indeed, the first thought that came to mind was how degrading it was for his son to be falling for such attention-seeking arrogance. 

 "Well, I guess that's your call Lex." He said, before looking meaningfully at Clark as he asked, "Son, do you think we should check around and make sure this intruder isn't still about?"

 His artificial tone didn't make sense to Clark until he suddenly asked himself why his father was here, or better still, how come he'd turned up not ten minutes after he had, rushing in as if to the rescue…Dammit, he should have been more careful using his superspeed…

He sighed. It was wrong to feel annoyed at his dad trying to help in what he must have thought was an emergency, but increasingly lately he'd found that anything dangerous or 'supernatural' that he had to deal with, was better left up to him anyway…One day his parents would have to recognise that he could handle those situations far better than them…

But for now, it was time for another charade. Clark adopted a similar meaningful glance and just hoped Lex wouldn't betray the fact that he knew exactly what they were trying to say.

"Actually dad I think whoever it was is long gone, and more a matter for the _police_."

Jonathan stared back confused. What had brought his son out here then in such a hurry? And why did he look like he'd been crying…

"Clark can I have a word?" he asked, motioning out to the hallway. To his annoyance he saw his son look to Lex for approval.

"Go on" Lex said. "I should probably check around in here to see if anything's missing."

While Jonathan stood trying to hide his impatience, Clark , turning his back on him mouthed "I'll be right back" to Lex.

 Out in the hallway, his father leaned in close, speaking in hushed tones,

"You think that story about the intruder's true, son?"

It was totally irrational giving the circumstances but Clark was still irritated by his father's continual cynical attitude to everything Lex said.

"_Yes, _dad, I do."

"Well how did you know about it anyway? You haven't developed ESP have you now?" Jonathan asked, only half-joking.

Clark barely batted an eye as he calmly lied to his father's face.

"Apparently some strange guy was in the Talon earlier asking whereabouts the Manor was…Lana… thought it was kinda suspicious, so she mentioned it to me at the party, and…I came to check it out." 

For a second he didn't think his dad would buy it. But then a warm smile came over his face, and he patted his son's shoulder.

"You did the right thing, son" He said.

It took everything Clark had to try and force a smile then.

"So I guess we should call the police-"

"-no!" Clark said quickly. "I mean, Lex should probably do it when he's checked to see if anything's missing…"

 "Yeah, well, let's hope the guy didn't leave empty-handed.." Jonathan muttered as he turned back towards the study.

 The words sank like lead in Clark's heart.

"What?" he asked, a hand on his father's arm, stopping him.

His dad nearly rolled his eyes.

"Well, no offence son, but your 'friend' got his money by taking it from those farmers LuthorCorp manipulated…perhaps it'd do him good to be on the receiving end for once, that's all."

  He turned to go again, but Clark tightened his grip on his arm.

"I can't believe you'd say something like that…"

"Clark c'mon-"Jonathan frowned in disbelief at his son's grip.

 "What about the beating Dad, do you think he had that coming too?" Clark asked, his voice increasingly hostile.

 "Clark, keep your voice down…"

But Lex appeared a second later in the doorway.

"Is… everything alright?" he asked, and Clark saw how much it hurt him to speak.

"Everything's fine" Jon said firmly, not taking his gaze from his son. He'd never seen Clark look at him like that in his life. After what seemed like an age, hid hold on his arm was released, and Clark looked away.

 A little disconcerted Jonathan half-turned to Lex.

"Anything missing?"

 "No it doesn't look like it. I might not bother the authorities after all.."

Now Jonathan turned fully and looked in amazement.

"You're not going to call anyone?" he asked loudly. "No offence Lex, but have you looked in a mirror?"

"Whoever it was is long gone, and to be honest I didn't get a very good look at him. There's no point in wasting police time if they have nothing to go on."

 The atmosphere felt increasingly confrontational as the older man stood hands on hips staring at this smooth-talking kid with his face all messed up.

"Oh, I suppose you never considered that this guy might hurt someone else some day? You don't think your neighbours should be told there's a violent thief in the area?"

 "Mr. Kent-"

"Unless…" Jonathan looked from his son to Lex in disbelief, shaking his head. " There was no intruder was there? This was sort of retribution or...no, God, I really don't _want_ to know who you pissed off or what kind of trouble you've gotten into Lex, but whatever it is I will _not_ have you getting my son involved in it!"

"Dad, please-"

"No son!" he yelled, putting up a hand to silence him while staring at Lex in contempt. "It's no secret that I always thought your family was no good for this town, but something is _seriously_ wrong if thugs are breaking into your home to beat you up for Christ's sake. But you know what? I bet the reason you don't want the police involved is because you probably deserved it."

"Dad that's enough!" Clark appeared suddenly between the two of them, glaring at his father.

"No, tell me son, was that whole thing about a suspicious guy in town true?" He truly wasn't expecting the flash of guilt in his son's eyes. "I don't believe this." He said after a moment. " _You_ were lying for him? He has you lying to your own father?"

 He stepped back to see around Clark to Lex, and pointed a finger accusingly. "I always thought you'd be a bad influence on him, and I see I've finally been proved right. No grand gestures are gonna turn my head now Lex!"

 "You're wrong about him Dad, you're so wrong-"

"He's making you lie Clark! It's probably him who's alienating you from your family lately! You're a smart kid, why don't you ask yourself why people always seem to be wanting to kill him lately…I always knew it; he's just like his father."

 Silence descended on the hall, lit only by the light coming through the doorway to the study. As Lex leant back on the doorframe, he cast shadows onto Jonathan's face. To Clark he suddenly seemed older. The anger on his face didn't suit him.

 With one last look of disgust at Lex, Jon took a step back towards the front door.

"C'mon son. Leave him to clear up his own mess."

He'd taken several steps before he realised his son wasn't following. He turned to see him standing still, fists clenched by his side, staring back at him.

"Son?" Jon called in warning tones.

"No, dad." Clark said firmly.

Jonathan gritted his jaw.

"I'm not asking, I'm telling you…get in the car now."

"Clark, go…" Lex said softly reaching out a hand to Clark's arm.

"No" he snapped back, pushing his hand away. "I need to say this."

 Jonathan watched as Lex's eyes flickered between them. His son's were still glaring at him though, with a look more dark and yet more frightened than his father had ever seen. Clark drew himself up to his full height.

" Lex isn't the one alienating me from my family dad. You are." He spread his hands wide, helpless. "I'm tired dad- I'm tired of your stubborn-mindedness. You taught me so much: not to judge others; to do what I think is right; to defend those who need defending. But I'm so tired of wondering why you can't do the same - why you can't see past your own prejudice…." He turned to look at Lex. "…for somebody I care about."

That look lingered for far too long. That look, that terrible gaze in slow motion made Jonathan Kent's world fall apart. 

 When his son turned back to him, it as if he were a different person, unknown to him and unrecognisable as the son he'd raised.

 "Go home dad. I have to take care of my friend."

 "Clark.." he choked out, "This, this  is ridiculous, I-"

"Go."

 He'd seen his the strength and determination in his son over the years, but never had it been directed at him so forcefully as it was in Clark's stare now. He'd come into his own…and as a stubborn but stunned father Jonathan could not say another word more.

 He turned and left slowly, but the door shook as he slammed it on his way out.

_TBC._


	42. The beginning

_"If a man should importune me to give a reason why I loved him,_

_ I find it could no otherwise be expressed, than by making answer:_

_ because it was he, because it was I…"_

_-__Michel de Montaigne_

Stretched out on his side on top of Lex's bed, Clark leaning with his head on one arm, gently dabbed the cut on Lex's swollen lip with a cold flannel with his free hand.

The wounded part lay next to him staring up at the ceiling, his mind oblivious to what had taken place here with a certain young girl a week back…

"You know you're quite gentle for the strongest kid on the planet." He said lazily.

"Hey, quit talking, I'm trying to fix you up here."

Lex smirked. "Now that's an impossibility. Some people are irreversibly screwed up y'know."

 Clark grinned.

"I really do."

"Guess we're two of a kind huh?"

He glanced across to see the look on Clark's face.

"This wasn't your fault."

"How can you say that? If it wasn't for me-"

"-if it wasn't for you I'd have nothing of value in my life. I'd have nothing to make me want to be a better person. He didn't do this to me because of you. He did it because he's trying to hide from the fact that he is a lonely, empty and cruel old man who can't go back and have second chance to do things right. I won't make the same mistakes..."

They lay in silence for a second before Clark announced quietly,

"There, all done."

Lex reached up and tentatively touched his face. He swore.

"Oh this is not attractive…"

Clark laughed and sat up to put the flannel and water on the bed-side table.

 Leaning back against the headboard he stared off thoughtfully. It was warm and cosy in here, and whatever was happening in the rest of the world it couldn't reach out here to the manor. This was his sanctuary now…

"You think he knows don't you?" Lex's voice came from beside him. "About us I mean ; how you feel about me…You think he saw …"

 Clark sighed.

"No. He doesn't know. He couldn't…he couldn't even conceive of it...not really. He's…not that kind of guy."

"You really don't think he could understand?"

They shared a look.

"Right." Lex muttered. Tonight they'd seen Jonathan Kent when he thought Lex had just made Clark lie. If he thought he'd taken his son over to the other side, well…they'd have a contender for Lionel's handiwork. Then Smallville would shine its spotlight on both their lives and discover they were Kansas's answer to Roswell, New Mexico.

  Clark forced a smile and rolled his eyes. " Don't worry. I'll just moon over Lana for a while…get a date for the prom -he'll forget anything he's thinking right now. Anything he thinks he saw. He'll make himself forget."

  There was a long pause before Lex spoke.

"And of course…since I won't be here….it'll make things easier. Right?"

Clark closed his eyes, as he felt the bed shift beneath him and Lex pulled himself up to sit next to him.

"I don't _want_ you to-"

"-I know" replied Lex, with a sad smile, He reached out a hand and, his fingertips under Clark's chin, he pulled his face round to look at him. Tearful blue eyes opened before him.

"We have to fix things with our fathers, before we can fix each other." He said wryly.

Clark shook his head.

"I only need a little while, a couple of weeks, or-"

"Or however long it takes for you to get things civil with your dad, and for me to get some distance from mine." Lex said. "Its okay Clark. Wild horses couldn't stop me from coming back."

"Besides." He added, " I've been meaning to go to Europe some time…perhaps pick up a new car."

Clark grinned

"Just don't run me over in this one will you?"

Lex raised an eyebrow, "Oh, I don't know…I quite liked you coming to my rescue and all that." 

He leaned in closer and trailed his fingers along Clark's cheek. "You're a regular super-hero Clark Kent."

"And what are you, my loyal sidekick?"

Lex laughed.

"After the hell we've put each other through this year I'd say more like your arch-nemesis."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

With his broken lip the kiss was sore and painful, but oh so so sweet.

~Finis~

_Maybe, some day, I'll get round to the sequel…till then, thanks for reading folks, and for all your wonderful reviews and archive offers….not to mention patience with the appalling delays in posting._

_Love y'all to bits! JT xxx._

_Ps. Make sure to review now!_


End file.
